How To Avoid Separation In Marriage - My Husband Keeps Asking For Separation

Recently, I heard from a wife who was asking for help in getting her husband to understand that their marriage was worth saving. The husband had recently confided to the wife that he felt that a separation might be an option because he just couldn't see any changes or improvements on the horizon. Of course, this is precisely what the wife did not want. She felt that the separation would eventually lead to a divorce and that, sometime soon, she would no longer have an opportunity to turn the marriage around.

But, she didn't know how to convince her husband that they should work together to save the marriage while they still had the chance. The husband was pretty much tuning her out and avoiding her. He seemed as if he were content to just let the marriage fizzle out and come to a natural end. The wife wanted a very specific plan as to how to change the undesirable direction she saw this heading in. How to avoid separation in marriage: my husband keeps asking for separation.

I did feel that it was possible for the wife to change the husband's mind. It would likely require her to change course and to make some changes in her own behaviors and actions. However, she was very willing to do this. I'll share some of the tips that I gave her in the following article.

Why Husbands Sometimes Give Up On Your Marriage: Most of the visitors to my blog are women. Occasionally though, I do hear from men who are asking me how to gently tell their wives that they want out. Some of them are looking for ways to convince their wives to give up on the marriage. These men are generally pretty forthcoming about their thought process. And, many will tell me that they've given up on the marriage because they have just come to a point where it feels stale and suffocating and they don't believe that this will ever change.

Of course, your job, (if you want to change his mind,) is to show him that his belief that nothing will change just isn't true. You also must show him that the marriage can change and can return to something that is fun, fulfilling, and flexible. This might sound easier than it actually is because you really do have to be 100% convincing with this. Most husbands are going to be suspicious when you suddenly make drastic changes. So, you have to limit yourself to things that you can pull off in a very genuine way.

Changing Things So That He Eventually Wants To Work With You To Save The Marriage: Here's something else to consider. It's so important that you don't draw on negative emotions or elicit negative responses. When you're fearful that you're going to lose something that is very dear to you, it's easy to stoop to desperate responses like engaging, threatening, pleading or arguing. These behaviors may release some tension at the time, but they will usually cause your husband to retreat even more. People will usually want to move away from things that cause them pain, guilt, or confusion and they will want to move toward things that validate them or make them feel better about themselves or their situations.

As hard as it may be to put this into practice, focusing on the positive and what is going right will usually work better than focusing on the negative and what is going wrong. I realize that this can be a challenge, but you have to focus on the end results sometimes rather than the process.

Another important thing which I must mention is that you must present this as a pleasurable process. Men will usually shut down the second you imply that you want them to "work" with you on emotional issues. This just doesn't sound appealing to a male at all. It can help to spin it to mention things that appeal more to him. One suggestion would be to tell him that you miss the physical intimacy that you used to share and you want to not only bring it back but to make it better than it ever was. There's a very delicate balance between getting him interested and coming on too strong and appearing too accommodating and desperate.

Presenting The Woman Who Will Make Him Want To Fight For His Marriage: I think that it might be accurate to say that you don't feel like your very best right now. You're likely frustrated, afraid, and tired. But, right now, the best thing that you can do is to remember the woman who attracted and bonded with your husband. She likely had some attributes and behaviors that your husband isn't seeing all that much of right now. Often, I tell women this, they will respond with something like "so I have to pretend to be someone else when I feel awful?" That's not entirely accurate. You're still going to be yourself. You're just going to make sure that he sees the best version of yourself.

I'll mention one final point. I feel that it's advisable to resist the urge to demand that you "work" on and dissect the marriage too soon. You are typically going to be so much better off if you first restore the intimacy and bond so that both people are equally invested and willing to make some lasting changes. But while he still isn't sure, it's usually best to delay this for a while.