How On Earth Do You Love Someone Who Mooches Off You?

Do you feel like your partner only loves you because you're the one with all the money? 

Well, if you're thinking that, you're probably right.

You're already sensing the vibes. They aren't affectionate to you. They don't pull their weight in other areas to compensate for their financial shortfalls. 

They expect you to pay for everything, without question. 

And you wonder, if you walked away right now, what would happen? Would they feel heartbroken or more worried about the fact they have no money?

You don't have to be Jay-Z rich to have someone mooching off you, by the way. This isn't a "rich" person's problem. It's all about the imbalance of earnings, and them staying with you only because you have the money. And they don't.

Sounding familiar? For your sake, I hope not. But let's be real here. Mooches are everywhere.

So what do you do now you suspect your partner is a mooch? Well, let's figure that out together.

Defining the mooch

The mooch in the relationship isn't always easy to spot and is often confused by an imbalance of earnings. There is breading winning and then there is mooching.

Though I don't love using the phrase "breadwinner", I can't deny that it's still very relevant in today's romantic dynamics. 

It's where one person earns significantly more money than their partner. And as a consequence, usually pays for most things in the relationship. 

If you have a house and kids, the breadwinner's salary covers the mortgage, school fees and groceries, for example.

Some relationships will always have a breadwinner. It's the nature of our careers and what professions pay. When a teacher marries a lawyer, the pay will always remain unbalanced, for example.

Mooching is where one partner uses the breadwinner to their advantage.

 They actively stay in the relationship because they:

• Don't need to work
• Don't need to pay for anything
• Can have what they want because their partner will pay for it
• Don't make any plans to have their own money
• Don't hide the fact they have a "sugar" partner, someone who pays for their lifestyle without question
• Don't show any appreciation for the fact their partner pays for everything or even offsets it by taking care of non-money related aspects of the relationship

Evaluate: Is your partner making attempt to work?

There are some partners who mooch off their significant other, but it doesn't last long. It's a hard time in their life as they pursue new employment. 

It's when the partner is trying to find work, or starting a business. It's not mooching when they are working overtime to make money in their own way. 

It's effort after all, and they are showing you they want to change their life.

But if your spending partner isn't even interested in work, knowing you will always keep working and paying for everything, there is your first red flag. 

A big one, by the way. 

Sure, there are always exceptions to the rule. 

Injury, illness and family circumstances come to mind. 

Without those, you know it's the case when your partner is sitting at home, doing nothing, happy you're still literally bringing home the bacon.

Is your partner making excessive purchases without your consultation?

And with your credit card or access to your bank account, does your partner spend money as they've earned it? 

I'm not necessarily talking about spending for your relationship. Doing grocery shopping isn't spending without consulting. 

Though they probably didn't technically ask you whether they could buy the expensive toilet paper this time. 

Yet, that's when we're splitting hairs.

It's more about when they decide to buy a new car and assume you will be fine with it. Or they spend as much money as you earn in a month on something they wanted.

This reckless spending demonstrates a lack of understanding of the value of money. 

They spend it without realising how hard it was to earn and how much effort and time it took for you to do it. They also spend it without understanding the repercussions of being without that money.

Don't get confused with people who are inherently bad with money and a mooch. The mooch spends your money, thinking there will always be more coming. 

People who are bad with money can still work and contribute their share.

Is your partner calling you a "sugar"?

Are you their sugar momma? Sugar daddy? Or some other pet name? 

Sugaring is a term used to describe a transactional relationship. 

It used to be that it was an older, rich person with a younger suitor. The younger person was only with them for the money and the fact they paid for everything. The older person likes it because they have a young, hot partner. 

Everyone wins.

Now, we use this phrase in a loose sense. Some people use it to describe any relationship where it's transactional, no matter the age gap.

Have you ever heard your partner describe you like this?

It might not be to your face, by the way. 

You might have to ask family or friends whether they've been so cavalier with your relationship and financial dynamic. 

Despite the idea that sugaring is a form of mooching, it does differ. Everyone involved in sugaring is more than aware of the circumstances. 

Mooches are pretty good at hiding this.

Is your partner lazy?

Let's face it; if your partner is mooching off you, they are more than likely lazy people, too. 

Now I'm not saying all lazy people are mooches, by the way. But in this scenario, when spotting a mooch from far away, the laziness is a giveaway you can't ignore.

The laziness is usually centred around their relationship with you and how you live your life together. It could be any (or all) of the following:

• Don't look after your shared home or make any effort to clean up after themselves
• Don't look after their property - Such as cleaning the car, for example
• Don't offer to help anyone else - It's not like they are volunteering at a soup kitchen every day
• Don't maintain themselves - They let their hygiene and health deteriorate
• Don't offer to help with anything - The smallest of tasks, such as cooking and cleaning
• Don't offer to contribute in a more meaningful way - They can't earn, but what else can they do?

Everyone has a little laziness in them. 

We can't mistake a short period, or one event, as being lazy all the time. You could say this is chronic laziness. 

And if you were a parent to them, you would admonish their behaviour more often than praise them.

Is your partner trying in other ways?

Your partner might not work, rely on you for income, and need you for everything fiscal, but it doesn't mean they don't try. 

And it doesn't mean they don't bring something to the relationship that you can't or won't provide. 

These could be:

• Looking after the children full time
• Looking after sick or needy family members - Especially your family members, not theirs.
• Being the primary carer for someone else in their life - Friends or volunteering.
• Being the project manager for your investments - Looking after properties or managing shares, for example.
• Being the project manager for your home - Finding a place for you to live, coordinating moves, coordinating renovations etc.
• Being the one who keeps other relationships alive - They are the point person between you and your extended family, friends or your entire social life.

You will notice a commonality in this list; they are all forms of love language. 

They are ways we show someone we care, and things we do for someone because how much we love them.

This list is important when evaluating a mooch. Money isn't the only factor on the table. They might be taking you for everything emotional, where they expect you to exercise all the love language, too.

If you value equality with the earnings, break-up

Everything on these lists will add up to you. 

You've either got a mooch of a partner, a situation that might borderline mooch, or a breadwinning situation you needn't worry about.

And in truth, it doesn't really matter what situation you have. This isn't about labels. This isn't about deciding what someone is to you or not. It's about how happy you are with this situation. 

Or not. 

You need to decide whether you can keep loving someone who is mooching off you.

In the end, if equality in your earnings is a deal breaker for you, move on. Deal breakers are about finding your happiness, after all.

But this comes with a warning.

You will likely never get to the point of complete equilibrium. There will never be a time where both of you earn exactly the same amount, dollar for dollar. 

You might come close, within a range, but never the exact same.

Relationships aren't about perfection. If you keep your decision centred around your happiness, then you can't go wrong.