How Much Titty Is Too Much Titty at A Wedding

“Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman’s breasts. Thirty pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman’s breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.”

― John Green, Paper Towns

I am at yet another destination wedding. Formal, again. The bride and groom at this wedding are marrying for love. Everyone who knows them can see the surrounding glow. Everyone wants a piece of that. It reminds them of their life when things were less complicated.

Men and women look their best. Titties are being thrown about everywhere, as this is a huge wedding with over two hundred people. One hundred of them are young and looking for whatever might appear in their view. Opportunities for love abound. Some are on the prowl for a chance encounter.

The women at the wedding have obviously put in a lot of effort. These people look good, especially the women. I imagine I have a “tittyometer”. A tittyometer is an imaginary instrument that rates any nearby women’s breasts and outputs a measure of attractiveness. The score is one to ten with ten being perfect. Now that I thought of the titty tool, I score the surrounding breasts silently.

Every type of neckline is here, with enhancement. One girl in a stunning blue paisley formal has a scoop neck. Those breasts are in a pointy wrap bra. I suspect she was worried about back fat. There is no back fat visible, but her breasts are gathered into points that look really sharp. If anyone hugs her, they risk injury. Those are at least an eight for style.

Another woman has these enormous breasts which wiggle and wobble wildly in a backless dress when she walks. I’m guessing no bra. The dress is a beautiful, tailored, mauve-colored thing that highlights her pale white back very well. The dress has such a low-cut back you can see the top of the crack of her ass. It is beautiful. She has them coming and going. The breasts are so full I can barely keep my eyes off them. And I like men. Those girls are ten out of ten.

Although I have come with my husband, I am wearing a sparkly magenta dress with a dipping sweetheart neckline. I brought a special bodysuit to make those breasts pop and my hourglass figure more hourglassy. I would give myself a nine out of ten.

An older woman has come alone. She is wearing an off-the-shoulder maroon dress with a sparkly hem. The dress keeps slipping off her shoulder, exposing the very top of the pink curve of her nipple. The hint of nipple keeps everyone looking to see if we will get to see more — eleven out of ten. I can hear the cougar growl.

There is a slender young woman who has small breasts. No matter. Her attire is a thin white see-through top with a demi bra bodysuit under it that matches her skin. Score! It looks as if she is naked under the flimsy fabric. Ten out of ten.

I sit with my spouse and watch the breasts wandering by. One of my other friends comments that I appear to be enjoying myself. I’m grinning, thinking about all the breasts. I adore watching women strut their stuff, and there is much stuff here tonight.

Women and their breasts are an unending subject. My imaginary tittyometer relished its night with the wedding party and guests—nothing but joy. It turns out that a wedding can absorb a lot of titties. Yea.

Originally published in Medium.com https://tonicrowewriter.medium.com/how-much-titty-is-too-much-titty-at-a-wedding-4f16e434ec68 /02/13/2022