How I Spent Friday Night

This night will go down in the history of my life as being the absolute and total worst night of my entire career as a human being. In the first place, I don't even like parties, right?

Anyway, it’s oh about twelve o'clock Friday night, which is like my night to go out and partake of the nocturnal delights of wine, women, and song and all that. Now, don't get me wrong. I usually don't drink any more than one glass of merlot wherever I go and if I drink more than three on any given night, I vomit all over the place and feel absolutely terrible for the next five or six days. Seriously.

Anyway, there I was having downed my fifth glass of merlot and was starting on my sixth when Lisa, Lisa Garrett, the girl I was “supposed” to be with at the time starts telling me that she's gonna find another ride home. I couldn’t believe it! I had taken this girl to dinner, a movie, and to this damn party of which I did not wish to go to in the first place.

See, it all started when I asked her out the day before yesterday. She jumped at the chance, of course. I guess it isn't often one gets asked out by someone with twice their IQ, you know?

We went to this documentary film on laser technology. A guy that was sitting next to her during the film kept telling her about this party that he was going to after the film and asked her if she'd like to go with him. That was when I really told this guy off. I said real loudly, "The lady is spoken for." Ha! Boy did that catch him off guard. I'll bet he was embarrassed. All he could do was laugh it off as if it hadn't happened. Lisa laughed, too. I guess she was laughing at the stupidity of the situation: some guy trying to pick her up in a movie theater while she’s with another guy! It is pretty funny when you think about it.

By then the movie was over so we got up and went out to my car. Then Lisa said she had left something back in the theater and went running back inside. She came out about ten minutes later and when I asked her if she had found what she was looking for she looked puzzled and then smiled and nodded her head. What a spacey girl!

I was driving my Jetta, gonna take her back to my place, when I asked her if she had enjoyed the movie. She said something about it not having much of a plot. I laughed. She had a pretty good sense of humor for an airhead. I started to explain to her about how laser technology is becoming one of the most important fields in science today. She started putting on lipstick and pretended to ignore what I was saying, but I could tell that she was interested. Women are always fascinated by men who can talk about scientific developments of the future. I can talk about that kind of thing for hours. See, I always help Lisa in our college trig and physics classes because she sits next to me and she would probably fail if I didn't help her. She's not extremely bright and she practically falls apart when there's a test. That’s when I have to hold her real tight and comfort her and tell her everything’s gonna be all right. She wants to be a legal secretary and she needs those two classes to pass and graduate. Next week is finals week and I’m looking forward to it.

Anyway, it was her idea to come to this stupid party after the movie. I didn’t want to go, but Lisa can be pretty persuasive sometimes, so I gave in and said yeah, it might be fun.

As soon as we got there we saw that jerk that was in the movie theater. He walked right up to Lisa, put his arm around her waist, and says like real mock-charming, "Glad you could make it, babe." What a creep! I gave him a real penetratingly dirty look, went to where the booze was being served and asked for a glass of merlot. That’s when I started drinking and I haven’t stopped yet.

Lisa came over and asked me what was wrong. I yelled "nothing!" and told her to leave me alone. She walked away and I got another drink and sat down at a table. They had some Science Digest magazines mixed in with the People’s and Times, so I read for a while. I looked up once and saw Lisa dancing with that jerk. That’s when I got up and got my third glass of merlot. I was thinking that if it weren't for me, Lisa would never have done so well on all those trig and physics tests and here she was -- laughing and dancing and having a great time with some jerk she met in a goddamn movie theater. What did he ever do for her? If I don't help her study for these finals, she still has a chance of failing. I guess maybe that doesn't matter to her any more or else she would be with me and not that idiot.

So anyway, I was thinking of all this when she walks up to me and asks me if I was feeling better. I laughed and asked her what she cared. She looked kind of hurt and walked away. Hurt! She doesn't know the meaning of the word. That's when I had my fourth merlot. I started feeling real strange after that and when I looked over at Lisa next, she was kissing that guy! I suddenly had to vomit but when I got to the bathroom and tried, I couldn't. Damned vino!

But I didn’t care. I went right over and ordered another one. I looked around for Lisa but I didn't see her anywhere. She was probably in the bathroom. I saw this girl I knew and asked her to dance. She told me that she had a boyfriend and walked away. Christ, what a liar! I happen to know that girl does not have a boyfriend.

I asked Joe Torelli if he’d seen Lisa. I was ready to go. He asked me if I was driving and I screamed, “Of course!” He shook his head and said Lisa was outside with some dude smoking a joint. That's when I started my fifth merlot. I didn't care where she was or who she was with, anyway. She's just a dumb chick who would have failed a long time ago if it wasn't for me. Ingrate!

Then she comes in all giddy and glassy-eyed and tells me she's got-another ride home because she could tell I was drunk and she didn’t feel safe driving with me. I said I could drive just fine and got up and ordered another drink. On the way back, I knocked over a chair by accident and spilled some wine on Lisa, who got all self-righteous and said, "See?" Then she said goodnight and walked away. That guy was waiting for her at the door, smiling. I laughed so loud that my stomach started to hurt so much that I started to cry.

That bitch! I guess she's not gonna graduate this year after all.