How Friendship Turned to Stalking

It started out innocently enough. I met him at orientation for the college program I had decided to take, when I decided to go back to school full-time. At 45. He seemed nice enough. A little quirky, sometimes a bit shy seeming, but nice enough. I didn't think too much of him beyond that. During orientation I hung out with him and with a girl who was also starting the program with us. The three of us became friends fairly quickly.

When school started, because we were the only section starting with a January intake, the three of us were obviously in the same class. We met other classmates, and soon there was a group of us hanging out between classes. We all added each other on social media.

But he was still a little quirky. And a little too attentive. And in my personal space. Like, a lot. But he was on the Autism spectrum. So I brushed it off as part of his diagnosis. Autistic people sometimes have problems with personal space boundaries. I'd just step away slightly to get him out of my personal space. But we all still hung out.

As the semester wore on, he started to wear on me. He was EVERYWHERE. If I wanted to go to the culinary school's restaurant with other friends, he followed along. I could never get a break from him during school hours.

He started talking to me about his previous relationship. At this point, he was already aware that I am married. With teenage children. But this didn't seem to deter him from filling me in on all the intimate details of his supposed failed relationship. How she broke up with him and moved back to Montreal. How his friends were pressuring him to find another girl and to have sex. I would tell him I was uncomfortable discussing his previous relationship and his sex life with him. That would not deter him. Another male friend would often step in and reiterate that I had said I was uncomfortable with the subject. Usually that would shut him up.

Then I would find him waiting for me outside the washroom if I stopped in between classes. I never found him waiting at my locker and I absolutely refused to hide from him. It's my college, too. I'm not going to let some kid intimidate me. But I was feeling cramped and claustrophobic. I couldn't go anywhere without him following me around. I finally had had enough and told him he needed to back off and give me some space. That if he valued our friendship—emphasis on friendship—he'd just leave me alone. It had gotten to the point where my friends were literally surrounding me to keep him away from me.

That lasted maybe a day or two before he was EVERYWHERE again. I had to get the school involved and discuss the issue with my student advisor. Initially, my advisor and another member of the staff asked if I was worried about my safety. I said no. I wasn't. Really. I just needed him to understand that he needed to back off and just give me some space. Let me choose who I hang out with. In the back of my head all I could think was, 'I'm 45 years old. Why am I dealing with this now?'

He seemed to have gotten the message, though the glares I got in class were off-putting. I would catch him looking in my direction with a furrowed brow. He looked angry. I shrugged it off. It was nearly end of term, and the summer would hopefully mellow everyone out. I knew at the very least, I wouldn't be seeing him at all over the summer. I had a job I would be going to, we don't live in the same area and though the rest of the group had said we'd all said we'd get together over the summer, it never really came to fruition. Sure, I saw a few of my friends off and on over the summer. But for all intents and purposes, we didn't get together.

Course selection was done at the end of July, and we found out we were being separated into two blocks. It seemed weird, since our block was already pretty small, but nevertheless, we were split into two blocks. Most of the class was in a WhatsApp chat group, and so discussions went back and forth about who was taking which block. My closest friends were taking Block 1, as was I. A couple of my good and close friends chose Block 2. A couple because it worked better for their work schedules, one because she was trying to avoid a specific professor and one because he'd promised one of our friends that he'd register for the same block. It is what it is, and we try to meet up between classes on Fridays when we have overlapping breaks.

He had also registered in Block 1.

Then the text messages started.

I got a long diatribe about his former girlfriend—the same one he'd been obsessing over during the winter term. And how he didn't 'want to lose' me.

I told him he was being creepy.

He doubled down with the text messages and emphasized that he didn't want to lose me.

I emailed my student advisor with screenshots of the text messages. I told him that I couldn't go through another semester of what I'd gone through already. My advisor agreed. He was moved into Block 2. I thought, 'Great. That's done. I can get on with my life, my studies. He's not going to be a problem.'

Then another classmate texted me. He wanted to 'try to resolve the problem' between my stalker and I. I told him to stay out of it. He stepped back.

Until school started. Then he would come up to me and tell me that my stalker was upset. That he wanted to talk to me. That he was depressed and wanted to kill himself.

One of my classmates has her elective with him. She told me that he's been going around his block telling people from our class last term that the reason he's in Block 2 is because I said he annoys me. All the people he's been talking to know exactly what happened last term. They aren't falling for this, but I got wind of this and knew, this hasn't ended.

Then, I passed him in the hall. The look on his face, well, you know the saying 'if looks could kill?' If they could, my family would be sitting shiva for me. The menacing looks I would catch the odd time I encountered him in the library or in the hallway or in the stairwells. I knew it was time to go back to the advisor. So I did. And he said he'd have to remain unbiased. As I related what was happening, my advisor admitted he could no longer remain unbiased. What he was hearing was concerning and he would talk to my stalker and probably the chair of the department.

Today, I met with the chair of the department. He basically told me because my stalker is on the spectrum, they basically tried to reiterate that he is to leave me alone. He asked "for how long?" While the administration seems to realize that he does not understand that he needs to stop this behaviour, they also seem to be condoning it by saying that he is on the spectrum.

My advisor wasn't at the college today when I met with the chair. Before I take any further action, I am going to meet with my advisor again. I don't think the chair of the department realizes just how much this has escalated. I don't know if he understands where this started and where it's gotten to. I don't know if my advisor got to speak to him about it, or if he only gave him the notes. I'm going to give my advisor the benefit of the doubt and talk to him before I consider my next moves.

Because I no longer feel safe when I know he's around. I don't know for sure that he won't get violent. I don't know if he understands the boundaries.