How do you Know if You’re Dating a Narcissist?

It’s not like I was a naïve teenager. I was in my late forties, and having lived and worked abroad for many years, considered myself worldly-wise. I still can’t believe how I got things so wrong.

Some glaring pointers that I missed

Rule № 1

Listen to your family and closest friends. I ignored mine at my peril. I met a guy on a dating site in the early 2000's and was completely taken in by him. My family and friends thought he was odd. They voiced their opinions about him in no uncertain terms. I chose to ignore them. I thought I knew best.

Rule № 2

Go with your gut feelings. I did think there was something a little strange about this guy; he wouldn’t tell me where he worked or what he did. Alarm bells should have been clanging in my head but I ignored the gentle tinkling that I heard.

Rule № 3

Do some research. A few discreet questions asked of friends and I would soon have found out that this guy was to be avoided at all costs. I didn’t do my research.

Rule № 4

Don’t believe every word your new partner tells you. Foolishly, I was gullible and believed every single thing that he told me which turned out to be a pack of lies and a web of deceit. He lured me in and I was well and truly stuck with him.

Rule № 5

If he sounds too good to be true then he probably is. New relationships can be exciting, fun and exhilarating. But when a guy bombards you with gifts, takes you to classy restaurants, and promises you the earth on dates one, two and three, be wary. Very wary.

Rule № 6

Don’t be too honest in the beginning. Hold things back. I will explain more later.

If things aren’t what they seem, then they’re probably not

But how can you tell? We all think we’re smart and can tell a scammer when we see one. What happened to me was worse than a scam; it was an elaborate, long-term plan to take over my finances and to completely control me and my life. I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

If I can save one person from falling for the same type of man that I did, I would be happy. If I can alert many more people to how these narcissistic individuals operate, that would make me ecstatic.

First off, never trust a new partner implicitly from the get-go. Take your time; learn as much about them as you can and here is what I discovered that can help you in your relationships.

I wrote about love-bombing and gaslighting and all the other despicable techniques that narcissists use to control their victims. I was completely unaware of what was happening. I thought I was one-half of a loving relationship. How wrong I was.

How do you know you’re dating a narcissist?

Remember Rule № 6? Don’t be too honest in the beginning. Hold some things back. Let me explain. A narcissist gleans information about you. Anything and everything that he/she can then they will use it against you when the time is right. My ex-partner asked me questions over and over all the time. I thought he was ‘getting to know me’ but in fact, he was building up a dossier of things that he could use later on in our relationship to hurt and control me.

Does he/she have a circle of friends? My ex had none. Well, one, to be precise. Another guy who, if I’m honest, was just as odd. There was nothing straightforward or ordinary about his relationship with his colleagues, either.

Another alarm bell should have sounded loud and clear but didn’t and that was that his family NEVER visited him at his home.

Other signs were that he never wanted to go out with other friends, it was always just the two of us. Over time, he very cleverly manipulated the situation so that my family and friends were ostracized. He always had a reason why we couldn’t go and visit them or they us.

After the event and with hindsight

Even now, years after the experience, which lasted for a decade, I cannot believe that this person lied to me in such depth for such a long time. Not one thing about our relationship was genuine. Every single moment was false. That was one of the most difficult things to accept. The most difficult thing was starting over from scratch. With nothing. No self-esteem. No home. No money. No nothing. He took everything from me. He left me penniless and soulless.

And the worst thing? He enjoyed it. He loved controlling me, watching me writhe and squirm. He was pure evil. I wish I had never had the misfortune to have met him and let him use me the way that he did. I felt completely worthless. He ruined me in every way that one person can ruin another human being.

Fear was another factor. I spent years after I left him living in fear of him. I was frightened that he would turn up on my doorstep and make my life hell or that he would try to infiltrate my new life in some warped way just to keep up his mission of destroying me and my life.

A happy ending

More than five years on, with the help of family, professionals and the love of a good, honest man, I have been able to rebuild my life. I will never be in the same place financially but mentally and emotionally, I am strong and happy. I have learned to control the anger and to channel it in other ways.

Keep your finances to yourself until you are completely comfortable that the new person in your life deserves to be a party to it. There is nothing wrong with keeping some things to yourself and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts and financial dealings, then don’t. I shared mine early on to my detriment.

It has taken a long, long time to come to terms with what happened to me. If you are reading this and suspect that the new person in your life may not be quite what they seem, beware. Tread very carefully. Do not be drawn into their web of deceit. Take time to get to know them. If they are genuine and have true feelings for you, they will show it in their own way. A look, a touch, a smile means more than any fancy gift.

Actions speak louder than words. If somebody genuinely cares for you, they will show it in the most ordinary of ways. They will ask how you are or inquire about your day, and they will listen and want to be a part of your life on every level.

What if I am dating a narcissist?

If you suspect that you are dating a narcissist, get out now. While you can. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get. Believe me. I should know. I lived with one for ten years and every single day of that relationship was completely hollow and false. Do you want that? Nobody wants that. We all deserve to be loved. Genuinely loved. For no other reason than that person loves us for who we are. Not for what they can get out of us, financially or otherwise.

Dating is a minefield. Hopefully, you will meet a genuine partner and spend many happy years together. Just don’t step on a bomb like I did.

This story was first published on Medium.

You can find out more about me and the work that I do on my website.