How Do You Avoid 'Being Needy' In A Relationship?

It's quite simple: You find someone who matches your needs!

There really is no such thing as being ‘needy’. We all have needs as human beings, some more pronounced than others. We are not clones or robots, so we won’t all match in exact needs! People who are labelled as ‘needy’ are in the wrong relationships, being matched with someone who doesn’t share their particular needs.

I went to a seminar once, mainly to see how other people talk about relationships. However, I wanted to scream out half-way into the event when one of the presenters (who obviously knew very little about the subject!) started telling everyone how we shouldn't be too 'needy', especially women. "It isn't attractive and men hate that", she helpfully informed us! What nonsense, I thought to myself, and walked out later when it was clear that the presentation was long on speculation and subjectivity, but pretty short on real knowledge.

The starting point for humanity is that we all have needs when it comes to others. That is why Nature ensured that we have to relate to each other, in both physical and emotional ways, to complement one another. We cannot exist by ourselves, otherwise we would simply go mad through isolation, loneliness and a feeling of having no value. Hence we always have a need for interacting with other people in some way, no matter the extent we feel is appropriate for us.

If we are 'needy', it is because our needs have been interpreted by other people as more extensive than their own and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when we are mismatched with someone whose needs are far less and who then find our expectations and behaviour overwhelming. But when we find someone who is equally 'needy', wanting everything we've got to give, and to reciprocate in turn, it is a match made in heaven!

For example, I LOVE hugging, and one of the first things I asked my last date was whether he was a hugger, too. Yes, he said, very much. We haven’t stopped hugging, daily, for the past eight years. Absolute bliss. It would have been very frustrating for me being with a guy who was more detached, or for him having someone who just wanted to hug, when he didn’t!

Relationships depend on one key thing to be successful: MUTUAL ALIGNMENT. Most relationships present no problems at all if we could only find the person that matches up, or aligns, with us in four key areas:

1. VALUES
2. EXPECTATIONS
3. CAPACITY TO LOVE
4. ASPIRATIONS

Where we seem to be highly mismatched most of the time is in Item 3: Capacity to Love. People who have had little affection from parents and others tend to find it hard to reciprocate when they meet very loving people. Not having been affirmed themselves, they are often mean with outward praise, displays of affection and unable to let the other person feel really valued and desired. For those reasons, they would not share expectations or aspirations, hence the ensuing disappointment that is bound to arise in the relationship once the honeymoon period is over.

Second, people who have been abused in their life tend to be high on the 'needy' scale, wanting carers rather than lovers. If they find a caring type who wants to look after them, bingo! No problems in that. Finally, people who fear the development of their relationships, who are seeking perfection in them and wish to control them to avoid being hurt would also be 'needy' in assurance and guarantees. They would be constantly on alert for the possible failure they expect. Their 'need' is difficult to meet because it requires guarantees that are often impossible to give. However, matched up with a similar fearful person, that relationship could work as they would feed off each other's fears, while that kind of need would irritate someone who was less fearful, like me, and wanted things to unfold instead of making assumptions.

The most successful relationships thrive on sincerity and expressiveness, i.e. being ourselves. By being who you are and showing your particular need you will attract the right kind of people to you, the ones who want exactly that kind of feedback, but you will also repel those who don't like it. If you hide your true self at the beginning of a friendship, in order to appear different from how you are, or to please someone else's expectations, you are likely to attract the wrong type who is expecting the false you. Further down the line when the pretence is over, there would be rude surprises in store for you both. They might suddenly discover how 'needy' you are and detach!

ALWAYS BE YOURSELF! Those who want what you’ve got will welcome it, while those who don't will pass you by and save you the stress. If you are still looking for a date, just be honest when you meet someone you like about what you hope for, and you won’t end up with a ‘needy’ label from an insecure person seeking to bolster their ego, and feelings of superiority, at your expense.

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