Hidden Behind My Smile... (Pt. 1)

We all want a happy ending, no matter what happens in our lives. I get annoyed whenever people say, “Bad experiences are what made you who you are today.” If I had a choice I would choose only happiness. The day I met Christof in 2013, who knew my life would change forever? When I was little, I thought love would be like a fairytale tale in a book or a Disney princess. Well, of course, because I grew up with overprotective parents.

I started dating in my early 20s. I took to online dating because I was shy and inexperienced. I enjoyed dating at first because I got to meet different guys and explore sexuality. It became old after the same old movie and dinner cliche. I felt no connection to anyone really until Christof came along.

I felt sparks fly when we went on our first date. Yes, it was a movie and dinner date, haha. The difference was I felt a chemistry with him. When he grabbed and kissed my hand an electric wave went down my spine. It was like the typical love at first sight corniness. I thought he was different because he didn’t kiss me on my lips but, my forehead. I thought to myself, “What a gentleman.”

I was literally distracted from everything else by this man. I was losing sleep and not spending time with family or friends. I was not taking college seriously anymore. I was only thinking of Christof.

Whenever we went on a date, I would always get back to the dorms late. I did not mind because I was in love. I did not care because I was happy I got to spend time with him, even though he would always show up late to pick me up.

He would get jealous of my male friends I had that were strictly friends. He was growing impatient because I didn’t want to rush into sex. I did not know why I was always feeling depressed and lost in the world. I was simply blinded by love. I was losing myself completely within him. Why was I so stupid to stay with him.

Then one night I was seriously scared for my life when I went to his place. All kinds of thoughts were running through my head. Is this the day I get taken advantage of, die, or get thrown in the ocean? Women always think of the craziest scenarios.

We were watching television at his place. He asked me if I wanted to drink but, I declined politely. I knew drinking alone with a man could lead to things. He kept drinking glasses of wine continuously. This was the first time I even saw him drink alcohol. I didn’t know what to expect.

Well, one thing led to another. He started kissing and touching me aggressively and I did not mind until he started trying to take off my jeans. I used to wear skin-tight jeans. I was pushing him away telling him, “NO!” He pulled off my shirt and ripped one of the hooks where the belt goes through. I fell off the bed when that happened. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. He was laughing hysterically and went to the bathroom asking if I wanted to shower with him. I was on my period. That wasn’t why I didn’t want to have sex though. I wasn’t in the mood because of his bad vibe. Who laughs when someone cries?

He drove me to my mother’s place and neither of us said a word to each other. I thought to myself, I’m never going to see him again. I slammed his car door and he sped off in anger. I ran in the house in tears. I told my mom what happened and she told me to be careful next time.

I was at college the next day, feeling free, because I wasn’t with him. I decided to focus on my studies and stop talking to Christof. That’s when I got a phone call and saw Christof’s name pop up on my phone screen.

TO BE CONTINUED...