Heart-broken

Today has been very hurtful, heavy, upsetting, and it's left me heart broken. I can't say that this will probably be the last time I'm in a relationship ever, especially a three year long relationship. My heart hurts more than it can count, and I hate counting. Seeing my son happy and smiling is the greatest gift but knowing that his grandfather is refusing to have me at any family gatherings is such heart break because he is not at fault. My mind is full of questions because everything was fine one day then this stuff happens, which makes me think what the hell did I do? I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel because if we talk my tears will fall. I can't imagine that I live in a world that rejects my son because of me. Who does that? Why are people so cruel? It makes me think that I should have had my son somewhere else and then they wouldn't have to be bother by me. Funny how I'm writing this and I'm crying my eyes out because it hurts that someone would do this kind of thing. I don't like when no treats anyone the same and it's not fair for someone to stay around or let their child see how people can treat family. There's time when I want my mom in these moments but that relationship has been ruin because I decide to choose the love of my life. When my mom choose to not help me when I was being hurt along with my daughters it hurt even more, like how can a mother let their child get hurt.

I can't imagine those couples who have stayed together for the long years like sixty years or seventy years of marriage. I did see myself marrying my best friend but now my heart has never been shattered that I don't want marriage anymore. It's not okay for someone to go through this crap if I've been trying my hardest. At times I think or I picture me not having my son around because it's too hurtful but these days during this pandemic he's been the most amazing thing that happen in my life besides my girls. I do miss my girls especially my oldest, even though she would be jealous of her little brother I couldn't say that she would love to play with him. I just think that with the holidays being this close. I can't believe that my heart feels so heavy and yet I have to be strong for my little man because no one else will. My dad always says that no matter how bad things get, good things will always follow and it will be amazing.

I know couples have their fights but is it even worth it trying to fight and stay even make amends with family members? Will it be worth it in the long run? Can people survive this? What happens when everything goes away? Will there be peace?

I'm hoping to get some advice and some help or someone to talk to about. I don't know what else I could do, just keep doing what I normally do or I could pack up our clothes and go stay with a friend. My dad says running is never the answer which I know it isn't but hey I have to do what I need to do to keep my son safe, and love.

So after having a heart felt conversation, what also bothers me is that in a hispanic culture family we tend to get loud and express how we feel. Well I guess it rubbed off with my SO because he now doesn't stay silent and his family can't understand that being that way but my thing is that don't judge because we express ourselves. In my eyes I know that his mother can be understanding, but as his father he doesn't want his son to have a voice. Anyway I will have another article about how things in a culture shouldn't change but also no one should ever stay silent and let someone control them.