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Goodbye kiss

The reality of abandonment

By Natasha CollazoPublished 6 months ago Updated 6 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - November 2023
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Goodbye kiss
Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova on Unsplash

When I was pondering what to title the subtitle to this journal entry, article, blog post-whatever you want to call this piece, I originally labeled this “The trauma of abandonment” but then I realized why is everything the ‘trauma of’ because yes, even though the result to things is traumatic, what happens to us is still the reality of it. Reality is what causes the trauma, so I changed the subtitle to “The reality of abandonment” which indeed is traumatic. For example, the similarities to being in a horrific car accident, you can’t control that it happened to you, it’s not your fault that the cars collided in inspectable timing, but it’s the aftermath that you have to live with. The sad result and reality of what happened.

*

The Trauma

I keep having these dreams of abandonment. The ultimate fear. The trauma that holds me back from trusting any living soul. Not because they want to abandon me, it’s because they don’t know it yet, but they will. I don’t even blame them and I definitely don’t blame myself. It feels more like a curse if anything, which it is. The curse of humanity. But in the dream, after being told by the person who broke me not once, but twice, that he would return again, and stated those empty words, “Let’s try again” and that he still loved me. I carelessly grabbed his face, and kissed him with passion, because it was nice to hear. That promise, the antidote and solution to all my fears but as I allowed myself to play make-believe when we kissed, I knew it was a goodbye kiss, so I kissed him with tongue and fire. And within that sweet hour, of touching hands and intertwining our fingers between each others, he left and said he’d be back, but when he never returned, somehow, it still held the same power to bring me to my knees, and the little girl inside of me cried out for my mother, who too, was nowhere to be found. I don’t even know why I had.

*

The Reality

I wish I could say that I woke up and did a few stretches, then sipped on my homemade latte by the garden beds, while finishing the novel for Vocals book club.

But, that’s not reality. I went into the kitchen and turned on the faucet to no running water. That’s reality. I don’t pay the water bill, so that then led to a lengthy phone call with my landlord.

After playing with a few pipes, the water was up and running. I then boiled some water, and finally made that homemade latte with creamy steamed foam on top. As for my plans to finish reading ‘Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow’ in my garden for Vocals discussion on Friday, I was still compelled by the residual trigger symptoms of the dream. I had to do something about this before withholding whatever greatness the day held before me.

I picked up a pen and my black leather journal that gives off the aesthetic of “You’re a writer,” and began to create this journal entry. And it felt…. Good.

Even though reality is uncontrollable, and the result of it exposes your absolute vulnerability, you can still take action to putting the trauma back in its place, so I created “Goodbye Kiss.” Just create.

Whether it’s a painting, a poem, a motivational article, as long as it’s being released.

I didn’t plan to write a Vocal piece today, but after journaling, I was inspired by taking this negative aspect of life and sharing it so that maybe someone, anyone could relate. Because trust me, I could have very well laid in bed, put the covers over my head, and curse everyone in my life that’s abandoned me. I could say “ I hate all men” and both of my non-existent parents. But what if I chose to do the opposite, chose to release it because let’s face it, we still have to live with either outcome and I’ve done both.

So if today I chose to blog it, or whatever, this awful dream, maybe someone doing the exact alternative listed above, reading this, is getting them out of bed today, then consider it a win, for the both of us.

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About the Creator

Natasha Collazo

**Studying Modern Journalism @ NYU **

Project: The diary of an emo Latina

I get inspired at the mid of night

Stock market by day, howler by night

✍🏽

Inquiries: [email protected]

Instagram: @sunnycollazo

Do all things in love

Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

Top insights

  1. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

  2. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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Comments (16)

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  • Irum Sohale4 months ago

    Your raw honesty and ability to turn personal struggles into art is truly inspiring. 'Goodbye Kiss' is a testament to resilience. Keep sharing your journey – it resonates with so many. 💖 #VocalMedia #WritingJourney

  • Fly Alone4 months ago

    True feelings. Best wishes ❣️

  • What a piece & what a day! Cathartic to get it out of your system. "I went into the kitchen and turned on the faucet to no running water. That’s reality. I don’t pay the water bill, so that then led to a lengthy phone call with my landlord." Clearly it spoke to others... well deserved Top Story!

  • Novel Allen4 months ago

    Getting to know you. I guess we have all met the monsters and now it is time to move on to better things. The pain of loss is so deep, heart truly cracks and breaks they say. But gladly healing comes after. Hoping you are in a great and better place now. More hugs and blessings coming your way.

  • I have attachement issues and abandonment issues. Due to that, I have severe trust issues as well. I totally agree with you, abandonment is the curse of humanity. People don't know it yet, but one day they would abandon us. That's also very true and it's the life I've been living. I've been abandoned so many times and now I'm at the point where I just want to be left alone. I'm so sorry that you've experienced this as well. After cheating, abandoning is the next worse thing someone could do to another person. I hope you've moved on from him though. Sending you lots of love and hugs dear Sunny ❤️

  • Raymond G. Taylor5 months ago

    Reading this in a bar I had to stop for feet that someone would see the tears appear in my eyes. So powerful

  • Samrah nadeem5 months ago

    Nice story 👍

  • JBaz6 months ago

    Writing things down is therapeutic, getting overwhelmed in life is a natural progression, even if it sucks. I loved the way you expressed yourself in this very personal journal

  • Margaret Brennan6 months ago

    so true to life. Guess I could say, "been there," since my now ex went to work one day and never came home. Life was hard when he left, but my boys and I made the best of a bad situation and survived. loved your writing. hits the proverbial nail on the proverbial head. BRAVO

  • DEUXQANE6 months ago

    I can relate to this strongly, having once encountered that feeling of abandonment. It can be hard to look past it when we've devoted much of our lives to a person who were (and maybe, still are) deeply devoted to. I hope that in time, you'll find the strength to reach solace instead of nostalgia. One yearns for the past, the other is sad, but finds peace in letting go. I'm glad you put this out into the world. For all of us looking to know we're not alone--in any of this.

  • Salman siddique6 months ago

    Mind blowing story I can imagine everything while reading it Use keywords also to get some more reads

  • Rachel Deeming6 months ago

    I find myself more and more writing when something gets in my head. I wish I'd known this would help me as much as it does years ago! Not sure that I would have written in the same style as I do now but it would have been cathartic on so many levels. Keep writing and congrats on TS. The bed may have been tempting but you made the right decision.

  • Melissa Ingoldsby6 months ago

    I love your sense of belonging to this craft and how you picked yourself up despite the fears and trauma you had to deal with

  • Teresa Renton6 months ago

    Glad you found that writing is your saviour. I have found journalling to be such a comfort as well as idea generator 😍

  • Hannah Moore6 months ago

    Well done. You know who did not abandon you here? You didn't.

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