Gone Tomorrow

Dear Cousin,

I never thought of how precious time is and how often it’s wasted holding grudges and not speaking to one another. It slips through our fingers like sand in an hourglass. I did not know that yesterday would be the last time I heard your voice or the enthusiasm behind it. I did not know that losing you would hurt this bad. I didn’t get the chance to say how I feel about you. I didn’t get the chance to say a proper goodbye. It makes me think of the times you reached out to me and I completely ignored you because I thought we’d have more time. I thought that you’d be around a lot longer than tomorrow. They say time heals all wounds yet, it has been six months and it still feels like only yesterday that we were all video chatting. I remember writing a paper on you many years ago when I was a child, it spoke of how you inspired me and how you were my hero. I want you to know that, that feeling has never gone away, I just grew older and didn’t know how to express myself without looking like a creep. As I just wrote that, I was smiling. I remember how much of a go-getter you have always been, like when you wanted to open a daycare, you went and opened that daycare. I remember how you wanted to become a foster parent for the special needs children and you went and became that. I remember the time when you reached out to me because you must’ve had a feeling that I had been going through a lot, I missed your call and was too self conscious to video chat with you so I lied, telling you that the chromebook wouldn’t allow me to video chat. You replied “Okay, I was checking on you.” It wasn’t until a few days ago that I went into my messenger and saw that text and it broke me, cousin. I remember how all those people were being rude to me over facebook and you told me to ignore them and unfriend them. I did, and it made a big difference, thank you. I remember the time when I was a small child and fell off of the yellow chair and I’d been laying sprawled on the bathroom floor for a few minutes, I suppose. It was you who found me and helped me up even after I had been mean to you just days before. I remember all the times that you wanted a hug from me and I told you no when I was a child and the one time I told you yeah, you were concerned, lol. Sounds crazy but it's true. It was good to be because that was when I had a life threatening condition. I remember just last year, you called me just to tell me you loved me and that I should have children to expand the family, it really makes me smile. I’ve never really been the sentimental kind of person but that truly did touch my heart. Thinking of it today, I’m crying. I remember always being by your house as a child because you were more fun than my parents, you know it meant a lot to me. I’ve always known you were my cousin but I viewed you as an aunt. Of course I didn’t call you aunt because then that would have meant that I was softening up and you know in this family you have no choice but to be hardcore. I remember I went by your house to write a paper for school and you took out your time to help me type it. Did you know that I’d gotten a 100% on that paper? Everytime I have talked to you, I have never heard you speak bad about anyone. You’ve always been neutral in every conversation and honestly I used to get mad off of it. I wanted feedback, the unfiltered feedback, but that wasn’t your style. I see now that you wanted family unity. I see now that you just wanted peace. Sometimes, I get the feeling that you felt alone and just wanted that bond and close knit family life like anybody with a small family would want. I guess I’m saying, in more ways than one, you were my hero. You were a listening ear and an advice giver. You were a person who would give her last just to see someone else smile. You were an independent quiet storm who will always hold a place in my heart. I wish I could rewind time and just hold on to it so that you’d still be here. I wish that I’d taken out more time to just talk to you, get to know you better, and just love you the way family should love one another. Oh, how easy it is to let a grudge or disagreement keep us from communicating as often as we should. Looking at those things today is trivial. I now know to say everything that I need to while we’re around one another and to stop putting things off for tomorrow because we can be right here, right now today but gone tomorrow.

I love you and will never forget you. You will always be my hero.