Going Through It

I  am currently entering into the last 6 months of my 20's. For me it was hell. Confronting loss of people who were supposed to be there for my whole life, experiencing the most painful financial stress, violation of my soul, body, and spirit, friendship breakups, humiliation, the realization I was in here for the long haul (even though I was flooded with life is short monologues), and feeling absolutely lost.

I have struggled with depression for what feels like my whole life but wasn't diagnosed until 22 with the severe chronic type. Sweet, I scoffed. I actually had some hope that there was something off in my brain that made me feel completely against myself. It makes a wonderful companion with my ADHD--another thing people enjoy debating it's realness. It's hard not to feel ungrateful with this brain illness I have. Or whatever it is. Some people think it's made up, some people think it's a symptom of capitalism, I honestly have no idea...I just know it's super painful and has interfered with many events in my life. Maybe I am just lazy or dishonest with myself, who knows.

Even writing this I feel like I am whining. I hate my depression. I hate that it sours just about everything. I know I am supposed to embrace it, let it flow, talk to someone about it. But it's so incredibly boring. Anyway, that's not entirely what this piece is about. Not to be too cliché, I also had wonderful experiences and achievements of course. I guess I am just in a moment of reflection.

I really didn't know where I would be at 29, I used to think that I would be married and have a career at 24, because that's what I saw on TV and seemed like the norm. I remember in 10th grade being flooded with the fact that people are waiting to get married and getting divorced at the highest rates ever! what does this mean for our society?! It seemed to be a really big deal back then.

I kind of finally know what I want to do with my life now, but it feels like there is so much risk in trying different things and changing your mind. My 20's give traumatic evidence of what happens when you change your mind too much. The financial consequences have not been cute. So now unemployed, and actually this wasn't my fault...and I promise you I am a professional at blaming myself for things...I am at a crossroads. Although it feels more like my back is against the wall and the other side is fast approaching getting ready to crush me.

I do have the privilege of having a supportive significant other that comes from a different wealth bracket than me, but not too high that this support doesn't have an expiration date, plus there's some dignity in being capable of affording to live. It's confusing because I feel like at times like these people pray, or ask the universe for guidance, and this has put me in an absolute existential crisis on top of everything else. I don't know what I believe or if an entity out there cares to actually help my mundane struggles. Which is probably why I am turning to write this piece.

There's obviously a piece of me that hopes someone reads this and can empathize or feels something I guess, otherwise I would just write this in a google doc. There's something comforting about writing to a person even if I don't know if it'll make it to you or not. This all to say, we get so much TV content on coming of age stories of teenagers, and it never felt relatable to me. I always felt like those stories pertained to other types of people but not me. My head was down and I was just trying to make it through each day. I heavily followed on the path of what I was supposed to do, and what others thought I should do. I didn't wake up from that until the ripe age of I don't know maybe 23 or 24? And now I finally feel like I have that moment where everything could change and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I now feel a heavy sense of intentional reflection of my life and empowerment to decide who I want to be and how I want to live.

~*Cue inspirational music*~