Ghost in My Head

“What’s in a name? A rose by any name would smell as sweet.”

(William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet Act 2, Scene 2)

The smell of petrichor stinging my nose as I breathe in slowly letting the rain cover my tears, I slowly begin to lose myself in my own thoughts.

The sound of your voice yanking my full attention, as you stand and sway in front of me waiting for my response. Lost in thought I decide to remain silent and continue to stare into your beautiful eyes. Needing to memorize every little detail of your face.

“Did you not hear me or are you still trying to process this?” Your voice smooth and loving but clipped with worry and irritation. “I thought you’d be more excited perhaps?”

“Excited?! Honey I’m ecstatic!” My mouth finally catching up with my brain as millions of thoughts rush by. I rush to your side and pick you up spinning you around before pulling you into a tight hug, one I wish I’d never have let go of.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” A deep voice says pulling my mind back to the present and away from my memory.

“Thank you.” There was nothing else to say.

No one could say more than, “I’m sorry,” and all I could say was, “thank you.” That’s just what happens when you lose the ones you love.

“You didn’t lose me.” Chills run down my spine as I hear your voice over the pouring rain.

“I’m not so sure about that.” The urge to turn to you is overwhelming.

“How about we just talk about it over dinner?”

I can’t see you, but I know you’re smiling, I can hear it in the way you talk.

As I sit in my car thinking your hand attempts to grab mine, but I pull it away. “Please, don’t.”

“I just want to be how we used to be again.”

“How can we be!” Fresh tears cover my face as I painfully gaze into your eyes. The deep caramel making it more painful the longer I stare. My heart stops, now icy cold as every cell in my body freezes as I continue to look into your eyes for the first-time weeks.

“I love you too. I realize now I didn’t say it last time.”

I tear my gaze away from you and force myself to focus back on driving. For the first time I realized where I was taking us. Not to some fancy dinner but to this old diner off the highway out of town, the most important diner in our lives.

“Do you remember why we decided to come here in the first place?” The laugh mixing with your words as you speak intoxicating as it always has been.

“You think I would forget?” As I pulled into the parking lot, I see the familiar neon green sign, “24/7 Diner” except the “N” and the “R” were out so the sign read, “24/7 Die”. That was what really drove us to the diner. Not the food or the milkshakes, but the neon green sign telling everyone to read it to, “Die”. We would always order the same thing, two milkshakes and an order of fries for us to share. The classic vinyl seats and appalling floral wallpaper with the cook in the back smoking a cigarette never really seen without it made anyone to eat there think they were going to die. For us it was our favorite place other than our couch.

“This is where I fell in love with you, you know,” your smooth voice bringing more tears to my eyes.

“I fell in love with you when I first heard that intoxicating laugh of yours.” With that you start to blush and laugh, the sound filling the empty diner and booth. I stare at you and notice that something is missing.

“What’s wrong?” you ask concern filling your voice and eyes.

I think for a long moment as I realize you aren’t you. There is no rise and fall of your chest, there is no life in your eyes. You’re just a ghost in my mind running around my memories of us making me forget that not a short drive earlier I was standing at your grave. Haunting me with your deep lovely laugh and your caramel eyes that I got lost in every second of every day. I’m in love with you and your ghostly presence and I never want to let you go.

“What can I get for you sweetie?” the elderly waitress asks us with tears in ours eyes knowing the answer before I do.

“Two milkshakes and a large order of fries please.” Your voice echoes in my head as I repeat the same words to our waitress mindlessly accepting our new life.