Friendship Is An Illusion

Full disclaimer: much of this entry will be a rant because I'm upset! Let me preface it by saying, I love my friends, they are my chosen family! There has never been more than one friend in my life, at a time, since childhood! Do you know how special it is for me to call you a friend!? Do you know how much it takes for me to trust you with that title? Call it CPTSD or whatever, I've had to let go of friendships in my life that I wasn't ready to let go of... so, why are you leaving now? After everything we've been through and for all the times I've been there for you? In your loneliness, in your grief, in your feeling unloved? What about all the times when you said that you understood me and that I'm a lot like you? Were those all words of manipulation? Was there any truth to those words? Why lie your relatability to me? Why tell on yourself, like what they say narcissists do...? I never felt like you were a narcissist, although you did keep yourself and your true nature secret and you were often the victim in your stories... You did love bomb me...

It was all revealed one fateful night, you had maybe 5 drinks. We sat in a diner at 2 am and you looked me in the eye and told me I could use people as supply but I don't need to. That took me by surprise because I've never seen anyone as "supply." That's narcissist terminology... Why were you talking to me about how powerful you think I am? What were you trying to convince me of, that I'm like you? Is it really lonely being you? You have always told me that it is. You said that you were diagnosed with conduct disorder... You told me how much physical abuse you suffered from being a bad kid and from stealing... You take a concoction of pills and speak with a therapist. What am I to think?

I stayed at your place for a week while you were gone on vacation with your supply (your words, not mine) While you were away on vacation you communicated with me every day, expressing how badly you wanted to get back and asking if I watered the plants and fed the cat on time... You watched all of my stories on instagram, despite being 15 hours away in another country. Why? Why the hyperawareness? Did me being in your space worry you? I'm just trying to understand...

Then came the discard. "Come get your stuff." I'm over here thinking, this isn't a breakup, you're like the sister I never had. You're my chosen family! Why now? I know how it feels to push people away, people who get too close... Is that's what's happening? If so, I see you. You want me to believe that you're no good that way I don't expect anything from you... I am you, I've been you. Questioning my worth constantly, wondering why people want to be friends with me?

I thought you understood me because you said you did. Except, I felt like a suspect in your presence. Is this a game that we're playing? Where you pretend like I matter to you but I really don't? I don't like this amusement park, there are too many masks. I can't tell the difference anymore, will the real friend please stand up?

I'm so tired of my feelings being hurt by people I trust... Why do they say words that I believe? It's all a cruel game and I'm stuck trying to figure out which part of it I've played, all along... I don't like this game, call it narcissism, manipulation, exploit... Whatever it is, please stop playing it. What are you even really getting from it?

The one thing I'm going to always be is me. I can't be anyone else, I can't assume anyone else's intentions. That isn't my purpose. I wasn't put on this planet to be hurt by you. So please excuse me as I block you and put up a "do not enter," sign for a change. I don't need tolerance for your bs. If you can't be real with me, don't be fake... Just tell me the truth, I'm owed that much. Nothing in life is free. Not even you get a free pass on accountability!

I'm playing a new game now... It's 2024 and I'm not afraid to show you the door. I'm trusting my gut more, I'm believing my truth and as the saying goes, "there is no happiness if what you believe is different that what you do." So, you can go now, please leave. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.