Five Years

I still remember the night we met. It was the weekend of my 19th birthday and I came to the city to celebrate the only way I knew how, go on a wild booze filled bender. You see I was never looking for this, I was looking for quite the opposite actually. All I wanted was a steamy one night stand, a blurry encounter with a man who would spoil me physically and emotionally for a few hours and then I could use as a good story for the girls. Little did I know that night would become so much more then that.

I clearly had my commitment issues, my motto was “no boyfriend no problems” for fuck sakes. Looking back now however you had a different type of commitment issue. See you had never really had a girlfriend before and with your over barring family I think you craved the craziness that was me, the craziness that was Melissa. You wanted to get day drunk at the river, you wanted to have sex in public bathrooms you wanted to be apart of my destructive hot mess life style. What you didn’t understand however is I secretly craved your stability. I didn’t want to get day drunk at the river, I wanted to be taken for breakfast and simply enjoy the day with someone special.

I moved into your place almost immediately and started college. In the beginning I tried to encourage you to stay in university as well but partying was just more important to you. By no means am I saying I didn’t party with you and even encourage it at times but there were plenty of times I went to bed while you stayed up all night and then went to either work or school still drunk and high. As the old saying goes if you can’t beat them, join them. So I gave up on my breakfast dates dream and went back to just wanting to be in a constant state if obliteration.

Our entire relationship revolved around partying. We never just talked unless we were snorting lines, we never went on dates or did anything really together. Our date nights consisted of going out with friends to whatever bar had the cheapest drink specials. This went on for about the first 3 years. By that point I was back in full swing alcoholism. Although I will say I was a very high functioning alcoholic it still doesn’t make it okay. That’s when things started to change or so I thought.

You started to smarten up, you were out growing your party stage. The party stage that had only shortly began before you met me, the party stage I had been in since I was 12-13 years old, the party stage I wanted to leave behind when we started dating. The thing was now I didn’t want to leave it behind anymore. I had remembered why it all started for me in the first place. I had been in such a blurred, numb state for the last 3 years and that allowed me to block out all the darkness around me. It allowed me to ignore the fact that my parents were headed back in a downwards spiral of poverty and drug addiction, it allowed me to miss the signs that my teenage sister was developing extreme depression, anxiety and addiction, it allowed me to cope with the death of friends, and it allowed me to ignore the fact that we had a toxic relationship.

When you started to clean up your act I really did try as well. Hell I even achieved it for a bit, however without being numb all of my suppressed emotions came pouring out and I started to see things how they really were. I started to notice things that had been happening for years that we both had been doing that were not healthy. We both manipulated and took advantage of each other on a daily basis. Of course we loved each other but neither of us saw one another as an equal partner. We both looked out for ourselves first and foremost and even pushed it to the extent we hurt each other in the process.

I have always had a independent woman complex. Its not just with my intimate relationships but with every aspect of my life. I always feel the need to prove myself. I also have always been the person who fixes other peoples problems. I hardly ever let people know what is going on with me mentally because I’m afraid of judgment and stressing out the people I care about. So when you would simplify offer to help me or ask me what’s wrong I would push you away. I’m sorry for that. Maybe thats why whenever I really needed you that you were never there. Maybe thats why when ever I did ask for help you’d make me feel like it was such a burden or that I owed you.

In the end you just wanted someone to piss off your mom and I just wanted the picture perfect lifestyle. Thinking back its so clear how we would have never worked but I don’t regret we tried. No matter what you helped me become the person I am today and I am grateful for that, I truly hope you feel the same.