Finding happiness

In my lifetime I have known many things. I have known both love and hatred, I have known sadness and sorrow and absolute joy. I discovered what the loss of a loved one can do to those left behind and came to realize the importance of those around me. I have been on the receiving end of anger and abuse. Felt lust and the craving of another's flesh against mine. I have witnessed hunger firsthand yet always kept my children fed. I’ve known jealousy and learned how it can tear you up if you let it. I learned the fine art of lying to hide my true sense of worthlessness. I have been deceived and been the deceiver. I have known the agony of feeling completely alone while in a world full of people. I held hands and walked with death and then was brought back by an angel. I have seen the true miracle of birth and the horrific feelings at the loss of your own child. Yes, I have known and seen and learned a lot in my lifetime but one thing has always eluded me, the one thing everyone searches for, the thing everyone deserves… true happiness.

Now this is not to say that I have never been happy. I have had a multitude of happy moments in my life, and I know what the dictionary defines happy as, but I believe there is a difference between being happy and finding true happiness. Happy is a feeling of enjoyment and contentment. Happy is what you feel and what others see. Happy is joy. I have felt happy with many things in my lifetime. My job, my family, my accomplishments, my friends. Happiness is so much more than that. People around you can see if you are happy or not. Happy is universal, most would describe it the same way. Things, people, surroundings, money, love, some of the things that can make you happy. Happiness, for me, goes deeper. It touches the soul.

A deep down place, inside, an experience you can’t fully describe. An emotional overload that awakens all the senses. Touches the very core of your being. Fills you up then overflows. Never ending. Spreading through your body like a wildfire. Always present. Leaving you with a feeling of total mental, spiritual and physical satisfaction.

Earlier I wrote that it was the one thing that has always eluded me, which was true until almost 2 years ago. Until this man stepped into my life. Out of nowhere when I least expected it. I was truly rescued. Not from danger or abuse but from myself. I was in a dark place when he entered my life and brought me into his light. Just when I thought I knew so much, he taught me more. About life, about myself. He showed me that I made a difference and I mattered. He showed me how to hold my head up and be proud. And for the first time in my life, this man taught me how to love. Showed me I was deserving of the love he wanted to fully give me. He touched my heart with his undying love and devotion. Although I was extremely difficult at times, he never walked away. Never stopped loving me. Always saw something I could never see. This man, yes only this one, gave me my life and showed me the meaning of happiness.

The ever elusive happiness I always had wished for was within my reach. He touches my soul in ways I have never known. With just a look from across a room I feel the intensity of his gaze in my core. Such an emotional connection like no other. His ability to calm my storms is amazing. The way my insecurities disappear when I am around him, the feeling of totally being safe wrapped in his arms, still blows my mind. Never could I have imagined feelings like these with anyone. Yet here he is, sharing my life and making me feel so loved. The happiness I have found is immeasurable. It cannot be fully described. There are still times I don’t feel like I deserve such a man or such love and devotion but he is always there to reassure me that I do deserve this and so much more. He is my life, my world, my everything. I can’t imagine my world without him.

Some people search a lifetime for such love and sadly die never finding it. I may have found it later in life but it all happens for a reason. Good things come to those who wait, I waited…and found the love of my life. Never give up looking for that love that makes you feel whole. The love that touches every part of your heart and soul. The one person that completes you. The one who shares true happiness with you every day. They are out there waiting. I found mine, you can find yours too.

All my gratitude and love always, g