Finding Connection

Finding a genuine connection with someone doesn't happen overnight. It comes with time, effort and patience, but as life becomes more digital, I get the feeling that finding true connections in the real world isn't as easy as it used to be.

The thing is, we're human and our instinct to form a connection is very human. It relies on physical ques, body language, touch. We're influenced by physical interactions with a person because we're experiencing that person in their entirety. We notice how they laugh, how their body stiffens at certain comments, where their eyes wander when the conversation dulls down. These little things teach us more about a person than what could ever be learned through a phone.

I've had many, many, many superficial and neutral relationships that don't go deeper than the surface. And when they edge a little too deep, everything quickly falls apart. It takes experience, communicating with many different people, and time to understand how to navigate the deeper and far more genuine parts of a relationship (whether it be with your parents, a classmate or your partner).

My communications professor, Robert Danisch, wrote a book titled What Effect Have I Had?, where he discusses the varying definitions of communication. The standard definition, and the one we most commonly acknowledge, is that communication is the productive and successful exchange of information between two parties. My professor refutes this definiton, stating that communication is simply the effect we have on other people.

This effect is produced through our conversations (both deep and surface-level), our body language, our actions, our reactions and everything inbetween. These are all forms of communication that shine through when we choose to engage in our interactions. But most importantly, the effect we have on other people entirely depends on how we engage with them. And yes, no response is still technically a response.

The way we respond to people can have positive or negative effects on their emotions, and whether we admit it or not, our emotions play a large role in how we view any relationship. If there's someone trying to reach out to you and you ignore them, you're choosing to respond with no response. This communication tactic has negative affects on the relationship, and if it continues, that connection won't last for long. On the flip side, if you're engaging with the person and provoking positive emotions within them, you're setting a foundation to breed connection between you and the other person. The rule of thumb: consider the effect your response has on others--both positive and negative-- and act accordingly.

An easy way out is to remain neutral about your response. For example, if somebody asked you, "How was your day?" and you respond with "Fine", you're not exactly ignoring the person. You are engaging with the person. But this response is neutral and leads absolutely nowhere in terms of building a relationship/connection with a person.

These neutral responses are the foundation of a superficial, disconnected relationship. And for many, these are the only relationships that people form. Have you ever wondered why, even though you're surrounded by so many people, you're still feeling lonely? Lacking true and genuine connections with the people around you creates distance, and this distance makes us feel alone. Neglecting to create the right foundation for a connection quickly leads to many superficial relationships that often lead nowhere.

Personally, I believe learning how to truly communicate has to come first before developing a true connection (if you want it to last, at least). I can't sit here and blame the digital age while typing this up on my Macbook, but I can say that it defintely poses as an obstacle. But it's never too late to work on our ability to communicate, and it would only make things better for everyone.

Finally, the basis of how to communicate with others starts by how you communicate with yourself. Listen to yourself, your needs, your experiences and the authentic self inside. Actively engage with yourself. And yes, understand the effect you have on yourself. Often times, we end up hurting ourselves the most. To create positive and meaningful connections with others, you must first do so with yourself.

At the end of the day, you're never going to be finding connections. You are going to be forming them, and that isn't easy. It requires time, effort and the ability to truly communicate with that person. It's a skill to be developed, like any other. It's not always pleasant, nor will it come naturally because the universe grants it for you. Thankfully, it's a skill that can be addressed immediately. When it comes to forming connections, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.