Fandom: A Comedy

Teacher:

This is how it began, and I hope that I don’t have to explain myself again. She is in my class, and she stayed behind one day to discuss an assignment that she still has not finished and has no intention of completing. I kept the door open for the meeting and recorded our conversation while the camera system was working for my own purposes. She complained that it was unfair to target her in the group just because she was late. I pointed out that the assignment was based on the very first part of the text we are studying and that we are now on the third section. We are about to have our first demonstrations and I doubt she has even started putting notes together for that one (she seems to be in a committed relationship with her Samsung that cannot be disturbed).

My conscience is clear.

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Student:

“The shortest distance between two people is a kind act.” He said that he was paraphrasing someone called Victor Borge when he said that, but I thought that it would be his motto for the entire course. But right from the beginning, he had it in for me. He was always calling on us to answer questions and to do our homework outside of class. The paper he wanted was something that I was going to work on, but I am working part-time…off school grounds, and I would have to hand it in much later. I know that there are other things that I have to finish and hand in, but work is work and I don’t have a lot of the money or connections that some of these other students got. Maybe he should be a little more sympathetic and not pick on a girl who actually likes the course and wants to get a good grade.

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Teacher:

The next incident was at the mall. Now, I want to be clear about this: it was at the weekend (not on the weekend), and I was going to look for a suit and had no idea that she worked there. I mean the mall, not the particular store where I stopped and tried to get a suit for the season. It is one of my habits to get some new clothes, and I know that a suit is something I can use at work or in my private life. My own private life. I know that the school has a very lax dress code for us, and does not put the students in uniforms. I wanted to make a good impression from the beginning of the semester…like always. Just ridiculous to wonder…

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Student:

He didn’t look bad in his suit and I wasn’t really gonna bother him when I went out with my friends that weekend, but there was a sale on for the entire week for students and I had a discount at a place that I knew would give me a break on some of the stuff I couldn’t afford in the summer. I got to the entrance and I was near the food court because I wanted some oat milk and coffee from the Java Masters where my friend worked and he was like, “The usual?” and I was wondering if he’d remember and he got the drink right and I had it in my hands and Karen was laughing and I was just dying and I saw him walking into Moore’s and I knew that he probably did not see me right away so I could go out and maybe hit the second floor if I was careful but Alison screamed silently and we could not stop her as she babbled about it and went red by the escalator. I didn’t look back but I knew that he saw us and I could tell that he was watching us because Alison was giggling and Karen made it all clear when she said he was getting a coffee “from your boyfriend!” and I turned and saw him and he saw us and the escalator was almost at the top when he looked up and I’m not sure if I smiled but I think he smiled and I was looking for the exit while finished my coffee and my friends are idiots and I just wanted to die.

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Teacher:

Finally, there was the incident at my home.

I have no idea how she found out where I lived, but I think it was because she looked up my social media information and decided to contact people who knew me. I was in the middle of marking some papers and she was in the middle of finding out everything she could find out about my life. There was a message from some of my family and colleagues who wanted to know if I knew a girl named ***** and I almost forgot I had her in my class until I saw that I was marking one of her friend’s papers and that I would have to look at her work in a moment. I was embarrassed to death by this and had to contact my friends and family about what was going on and for some reason I thought about the suit I bought.

That damn suit…

I am only explaining this because I want you all to know where my head was at and that I am not one of “those guys”. She clearly thought that I was someone that I was not and I want to make sure that this is all on the record. I hope that you can speak to her and see that we are on the same page.

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Student:

I just thought it was a nice suit and that we should say something nice about it.

Jeez.

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Teacher:

I would just like to say that I have nothing against her and that I accept the decision of this council when it comes to my continued career. I know that this will not revoke my contract, but that I will be judged by the court of public opinion and various parents and students. That’s all.

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Student:

No. No, no, no… NO! This is just stupid… He is a good teacher and he did not do anything wrong. I just liked the suit and I wanted people to know it so I posted a pic on Alison’s page and she shared it with Karen who put it on her TikTok and then there was all that noise and we all thought it was so cringe that people were beginning to say he was really mid and others that he was chopped but all these females began saying he was fresh as hell and that they wanted to trade places with me because I had him in my class and they had real butterballs in their homerooms and people started laughing about it before our ‘zams and I really just wanted to stop it all and now there’s all this.

You can’t make him pay for that.

Oh, and it means “exams,”…boomer…

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Final notes:

The staff of the Watch-N-Learn Driving School have decided to not let Mr. **** go or reprimand Ms. **** for her behaviour. It is clear that there was some contact between both the teacher and student outside of class hours, but this in no way detracts from the fine work done by the staff member, or the driving skills of the student. We simply ask that they both refrain from such contact until after the license has been rewarded. Ms. **** is of legal age and can pursue a relationship with whomever she sees fit.

We must also note that we have found the shop that sold the suit and the testimony provided was neither misleading nor exaggerated. We must thank Ms. **** for the address and the ride to the shop.

End of case.

KD

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Thank you for reading!

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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