I was having a conversation with a friend recently about the fact that when healing from abusive relationships you often confuse good people and bad people. You think that poeple who are nice to you have an ulterior motive and are simply trying to hurt you. Why? Because that's what you fell for, you fell for the nice person, the one who made you feel like you could trust them with everything and anything. The one who treated you so well you thought you were on cloud nine. However this person painted you a blue sky and then went back and it turned it grey. You lived in this persons chess game with the rules changing on the daily. So that's why now when you meet a nice person you automatically push them away by acting absolutley horrendous so that they don't like you. You push them away before giving them a chance to even care about you in the slightest. You act like a child around them so they do in fact think your immature and don't want to associate with you. Sound familiar? If it does keep reading! Do you now feel like a child? Do you now feel abosolutely stupid when talking to people? If so that's because you were probably made to feel or treated like a child by your ex. They made you so broken that you almost relied on them to raise you in a way. They made you feel like you had no voice or autonomy. The battle to get that back is exhausting. It's difficult and probably the most terrifying thing you'll ever do. I can say this because I'm currently in that stage myself. I'm currently in the stage where I'm trying to build myself up and feel confident again. It's exhausting. It's also terrifying because I still have voices in my head telling me I don't deserve to heal and I don't deserve to find actual healthy love. I don't deserve to feel safe with someone. But I f*cking do. I do deserve all of that. At least I think I do. Can anyone relate to this? I hope so! I hope my stories resonate with people. I share my story to educate and hopefully help others. I don't do it for attention or anything like that. I hope that one day I find a good person. A person who isn't going to hurt me and actually cares. I don't know if I will ever find such a person but I hope I do. I hope that anyone whose been through the same things as I have, will find their happy ending as well. I hope that you find someone who values you and loves you for you. No matter what. I can only hope. While it may be difficult to know who's a good person or not. I can only hope that the right person will make it easy for you to know. See in my mind you won't have to question it with the right person, you'll just know. You'll know that you can trust them and you can go to bed feeling safe. You can feel safe introducing them to your family and they won't have concerns either. And you won't have that feeling that it's to good t0 be true. The right person will love you correctly and respect all your boundaries and understand why you have them. They'll not only respect your triggers but make sure not to do them. And they'll do all these things because they not only want to, but because they love you.
About the Creator
Amanda Nicole
Hey I'm Amanda! I'm a writer, Podcaster and a pet sitter. I'm much more then that! Read my stories to find out :)
https://linktr.ee/gilmorepretty
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My First F%cking Kiss
I had my first kiss at the tender age of 15. I was in midst of an Alcohol/Caffiene Addiction and wasn't sleeping or eating. Somehow someway a guy found me attractive enough to kiss. I don't know if he was doing me a favor or just being nice. I'll never know to this day. I regret being drunk when I had my first kiss and here's why: I wasn't sober and I couldn't enjoy it. I also probably did a horrible job at kissing. I had also been sexually assualted the year before and was in a horrible amount of pain. I share my story to help others and add to a very important conversation. Was the guy who gave me my first kiss nice? From what I remember yes. But at the time I probably didn't think I deserved it and I probably thought he deserved better then me. I still think that. Looking back all these years later, I see how much pain I was in and how that guy was pretty much my life raft. That wasn't necessarily fair to him. We were young I was 15 and I think he was 16 I'm not entirely sure. But I needed help that he wasn't even close to capable of giving me. I needed therapy and lots of healing. I eventually got it. But I shouldn't have been thinking of kissing boys after all the stuff that had happened to me. However despite all those true facts, I've come to this conculson: I was meant to have that experience of getting my first kiss at 15 so that I could see a tiny glimpse of how I was SUPPOSED to be treated by someone. I was supposed to be treated that way all along. However I wasn't able to reciprocate seeing as I was in a lot of pain. I've also learned that I wasn't meant to have that person in my life any longer then a year. They had to leave so that I could bring my myself back to life again. I had to lose them for good. And while the road was rocky since (another assault and an abusive relationship later) I've finally realized that I deserve someone whose patient and kind. Someone who understands where I've been and supports that. Someone who knows that when I tell my story it's only for the purpose of helping others. Someone who is understanding of my triggers and doesn't let them happen to me. I need someone whose going to constantly prove to me that I can trust them and who loves me beyond measure. I realize this is a lot to ask but anyone whose been in my shoes will understand. I do have walls up and I need someone whose going to care enough to not only knock them down but understand that being in my life is a privledge that should not be abused. I understand this may seem like a lot to ask, but I don't think it is. I think it's important to have boundaries for yourself. Like I could never date someone who drinks alcohol. That would really trigger me and make me nervous. I'm not going to compromise that for anyone. I'm working on standing firm in my boundaries which I admit is a struggle sometimes because I do wonder if they are in fact reasonable. But they are to me which is really all that matters. What does this have to do with my first kiss? Well in a way it has everything because it taught me what I deserve.
By Amanda Nicole2 years ago in Humans
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