F*ck Going Back To School

This May I embarked on a two year adventure, I went back to school. I decided to get an associates degree in applied sciences and study to be the addictions counselor I've wanted to be for years. 6 years and one abusive realtionship later here we are. It was hard to get the courage to go back, I pondered this for months. So many questions came up, would I do well? Would I pass my classes? Would I even get my degree? Am I even smart enough? Could I afford it? Would it be a waste of time? So many thoughts ran through my head. But despite all that I decided to take a risk and apply, I filled out the application and got all the required information from my high school. I decided to major in Human Services that seemed the closest thing to psychology (it is) And I sent in all my information.

Few weeks later I got a small envelope in the mail, I was so nervous. I often took small envelopes to mean that I wasn't accepted. "Guess my ex was right I'm not smart enough" I thought. For 6 years he told me I wasn't smart enough and that going back to school would be the stupidest thing I could ever do. Swallowing my pride I sat down on my bed and opened the envelope. Boy did my heart swell when I read that I had been accepted. I finally had the chance to flip the narrative that had been given to me, I finally had the chance to change my future and get the degree I'd been wanting for years. I finally had a second chance at life.

With that I started the process of becoming a student, placement tests all that lovely stuff. I bought all my books using a grant I have been given. Will I even pass my first semester I thought? Will I fail? Will my ex be right? I thought? Well 10 weeks later I got my grades back for the first semester, low and behold I got a 3.33 GPA for the semester. I was so escastic. FINALLY I thought. I flipped a script that had been given to me. I got good grades and worked hard. I am smart enough, I thought.

Why am I telling you this story? Well a few reasons, I'm telling you this because it shows that you can do it! You can flip the script if you want to. You can go back and get the degree you deserve. You can change the narrative that society has given you or an abusive ex in my case. You can change the channel in your head. You can do anything you'd like. You don't need to have anyone else's imput.

I'm working on becoming an addictions counselor, I'm in my second semester now and am still getting A's/B's. I'm working on loving myself. I haven't loved myself a day in my life. I was always told I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't enough, I wasn't worth it. I wasn't smart enough. People have doubted me my entire life and now I'm finally trying to stand up and change that. I'm trying to be the person I was always meant to be and going back to school is part of that plan. It's a lot of work and sometimes I want to give up and fold up like a cheap tent. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. But I'm sure when I graduate in 2025 it will be worth it. At least I hope so.