An Open Letter to my Daughter

Dear Wednesday,

That's what your name was going to be, please don't @ me. I've always loved the Adams Family and Wednesday was always my faovrite character. She's sarcastic and acerbic and I live for it. I always thought that would be a cute name for a girl. Well today would've been your fifth birthday. You almost came into my life 3 times and while I'm glad you didn't in a way because you would've grown up with an abusive dad. I still wonder how you would've ended up. I bet you'd be just like me, weird and way to caring. I wonder if you'd have my eyes or my voice. I also wonder if you'd have my Taylor Swift Addiction. We could've gone to concerts together! We would've been best friends. But you never ended up coming into my life and that's probably for the best. I was way to immature to have you and your dad would've hurt you in addition to me. I still wonder though at times. It's been 5 years but I still hurt every year on this day. I can't go visit you at a grave, you were never born. I can't write you letters, you won't get them. I have to get over it. I can however say that someone else has come into my life and filled the void. My dog, Bonnie lou. She's 8 years old and my world. But she still isn't you. I love her more then life itself, don't get me wrong. I would do anything for her, she saved my life. I can't deny that. But she's still not you.

Thing is I don't know if I'll ever be a mom to anything other then a dog or a cat. I don't know if I'll ever want to be. But I do know that I would've loved you more then life itself and would've done anything for you. I wonder if having you would've woken me up from the abusive relationship I was in? I don't know. It's taken me years to process all this so I'm sorry I'm just writing you now. But I'm a bit odd that way. I'm sure you would've been too if you're anything like me. Don't worry, I would've understood you. I would've loved you through every heartbreak, every high and low and every weird moment. I would've cried with you and screamed. I would've loved you more then life itself. But we never got to meet, so instead every time I hear Bigger Then The Whole Sky by Taylor Swift, I think of you. I think of how larger then life you would've been. I think of how much like me you would've been. I never told anyone about you becasue I was scared your abusive dad would've made me hurt you. He would've made me end you before you even came into the world. He would've blamed me for it and told me to fix my mistake. I couldn't have done that to you. I'd love you to much. But honestly? it was for the best that we never met, I don't know how good of a mom I would've been to you. But maybe it was all for a reason. Maybe you weren't supposed to come, maybe i was supposed to grieve? Maybe it was all for something greater then myself. Maybe I'll never know or was meant to know. I'll never know. Just know this little girl: I love you and I'm sorry that we never got to meet. I'll hurt for you forever and ever and ever.