Depression : A Killer

For most the world is a great place, a place to sit and watch the sun rise, to dream, to take in the sights. But for others, such as myself, it is a world of sadness, a madness, to see things to be a reminder of that which has been lost.

I know it shouldn't be like that, should be able to boot strap myself up back onto the horse and live life as that person who I lost, my soul mate, would have wanted me to but it is easier said than done.

Certain dates are key to the triggers, those dates are even worse, and not really even the dates themselves but the lead up to them.

One of mine is December 19th, the day I became a widow. 2012. My wife, the love of my life, was brought to her end by a brain aneurysm, quick death but not for me, I heard her fall hard to the bathroom floor that night, rushing in, finding her there, knowing full well she was gone but trying to save her. The 911 operator having me perform compression on her, CPR, trying to bring her back to me, but failing, then the medics came in, and that became my final memories of her. No last words, no I love you, like they show on the TV shows.

Christmas becomes an evil holiday. And the holidays are becoming longer, now seemingly beginning in July, reminders blasted on the TV screens.

The person I'm with now gets the broken me, the souless monster driven into darkness by memories, feelings, it does not get easier like people think and who say without any reference, a death of a parent is expected but still hard, a death of a spouse, especially at an early age, unexpected, is not easy, being the parent is even harder. There are no words, a parent does not expect to outlive their children.

My mother in law had to put both her daughters into the ground. And I didn't even get to be there for her funeral when she passed away in 2022, I'm the last of that extended family, which creates a different depression monster that creeps in every so often on certain days even stronger.

I know I for one found my life turned upside down and inside out but I kept living, muddling on down the road, finding myself at the kitchen sink, the knife at my wrist but I stopped, a week after my wife had passed away. I stopped with the realization that my sister in law, who had just lost her sister, would be the one finding my body, possibly days after the fact and I couldn't put her through that.

I also had many friends, loved ones, family members, and again, couldn't be the one who would tarnish their days forever afterwards with my "selfish" death.

The song sings "Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes..." it is painless for the person committing the act, and I get the reasons why a person feels the need to end their pain but in fact, suicide is not painless, and it does bring on many changes, it is not painless for those left behind, it changes the life stream of many people, many people who the person doesn't even realize will be affected by their death.

I have many friends, most of them gathered from my many years online, that would be changed by my death, possibly thousands, including my best friend who has her own battles with the demon known as depression. The love in my life, her own demons bringing her less joy would also be affected by that death, so here I am, living life as I can, that beast always at my door.

Folks try to give comfort to us battling these demons.

"Just be happy!" they blurt out, believing that is easy.

It is easier said than is done. If it was that easy, there'd be no need for the thousands upon thousands of medications, no need for therapists and even with all these items, it is still not an easy journey.

People of a certain generation, especially men, were told, not to show any emotions even a tiny bit showing you were sad, "Don't cry!" my father told me over the phone, after my wife had been officially declared dead. I was the one who had made the decision to pull the plug.

It just how his generation was taught, and his father was before him. Men were suppose to be strong, no depression could bring them down, but when my mom went in 2015, I saw my father cry, secretly there in the hospital room, holding his wife's hand, he thought no one was looking and I cried too.

A year later he was gone, off to be with my mom. I have their ashes, at some point, I made a promise to my dad to bury him up in the mountains by a great fishing hole, where my grandfather lays under a huge boulder, a perfect grave marker, fit for the pharaohs themselves.

I don't know with my foot being ulcer prone, right now I'm in heavy boot with an injured foot, if I'll be able to fulfill the request. My mom's wishes were basically "I don't care, by then, I'm already gone from that body, so you can flush me down the toilet!" I still laugh at that thought. I feel the same.

I think my dad wouldn't care either. But it still feels like I'm failing, not just for the above but for everything, I'm not some big time anything, millions of pennies falling from my pocket in shower of richness (no dollars for this "writer", pennies!! ~Laughing~ ) My humor, mostly dry wit I guess I got from the British heritage I got from my mother's side of the family, gets me through the days, keeps me grounded but worries many of my friends.

Depression is a killer, it kills many a person, some for seemingly no reason, big stars, millions in the bank, millions of fans, but still sadly taken by its dark hands.

"Why? They seemed so happy!" many ask. Little do they know, like many, these people were good, trained at an early age, to wear masks, to pretend, look, I'm happy, haha, hehe! No sad here!

But there in quiet secret hidden places, they would cry, belittle themselves as being worthless husks, "Why do you continue to live?" the demons inside taunt. "Why do you waste the air you breathe?"

Too many to list; comedic icons, who everyone thought were happy, living their live, weren't so happy; health reasons adding to their secret sadness, I get that, every day is a struggle, every day a reach.

But I know I am not alone; others come out to me, most in private conversations, they read my words, feeling the grace of my words as a hand outreached for them to grab on, I hope if you find this in your need, you reach out, and grab onto the words, you are loved, you are needed, do not go into that last light, people who you think won't, will miss you beyond any words you can imagine.

Suicide is not painless but it does bring on many changes, it is the final solution, a bringer of sadness and pain to many, some you don't even realize are there, effected greatly by your presence.

Tell those around you, how much you care, you might not know it but it might be the saving hand out reached they need to grab onto to pull them from that evil dark place.

And if you need it, there is help, the suicide hotline available 24 hours, 7 days a week (dial 988) to speak to someone.

You are loved. Somebody out there cares.