Dream Lover

Have you ever had a reoccurring dream that eventually came true? I have. Well, in a way it did. I think I might have been happier if I had never even dreamed it at all though.

I think we all give off a certain kind of energy that either attracts or repels. That can be true for things like money, good luck, and even people. If we are available for romance, I think we find ourselves in situations where we are free to get involved, but likewise, if we are not available, we tend to repel romantic partners, even inadvertently. So here is a nugget of wisdom for you: When life is kind enough to give you a "head's up" about something that is going to be important in your life, it goes without saying that we should be wise and not waste the opportunity. Make sure you are prepared for it when it comes, because often times, we only get one shot at it. I found this out the most painful way a person could find out.

I had been having reoccurring dreams about a gorgeous blonde boy with the most penetrating ice blue eyes I have ever seen. In these dreams I was in a romantic relationship with him, although I had never set eyes on him in waking life. I think the dreams started when I was about twelve years old, and continued through high school. Sometimes we would be holding hands, other times we would be laughing, and still other times walking somewhere just enjoying each other's company. Upon waking I would usually confide in my older sister about these dreams. "I dreamed about him again last night" I would tell her. She started calling him as my "Dream Lover."

It so happened there was this popular song on the radio during that time, and I heard it often. "It's Sad to Belong" by England Dan and John Ford Coley. It was about this guy who was either married or in a committed relationship and he has a chance meeting, or a sighting really, of a girl that he instantly recognizes as "the right one." The lyrics say "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along." The song goes on to explain how the guy goes on with life wishing the lady he was with was the "right one" he had seen, but she wasn't and he had to live with the knowledge that the right girl was out there and he could never have her. That song had the most eerie effect on me. Every time I heard it I would think of my Dream Lover and hope it would never be me singing that song. I truly believed he was a real person and he was out there in the world waiting to meet me too.

So, I stayed single throughout my high school years and even into my early twenties, but, with each passing year I was becoming more and more tired of being alone. I had turned down my prom in high school and plenty of dates and was just starting to feel like a fool for waiting on a dream to come true. Although I occasionally still had dreams about my Dream Lover, they had become few and far between. I considered him a manifestaion of my psyche; the male counterpart of myself in some dream like effort to merge my id with my super ego or something. I was letting go of the dream.

My best friend Kelly and I both loved rock and roll music. We had always made a play on words with many of the songs we loved. One of those songs was "Ramble On" by Led Zepplin. The lyrics of the song went "Gotta find the Queen of all my dreams." Of course, we changed the lyrics to "Gotta find the KING of all my dreams." We would each ask the other whenever we had met a new love interest if we thought we had met "the king of all your dreams." Of course, she had known about my Dream Lover and my earlier quest to stay chaste and single in waiting for him to appear, just as she also knew that I had abandoned that notion gradually over the years. So, she wasn't surprised when I told her about the guy I met who began showing up at my house after he got my car going when it was stalled in the Publix parking lot.

This guy rang all my warning bells, and my inner self was screaming at me to run for the hills! Naturally, I did the exact opposite. I was irresistably drawn to him like the moth is drawn to the flame. Oh, I tried to avoid him so I couldn't give in to him, I really did. I would ask my roommate to lie and tell him I wasn't home when we heard his truck coming up the road and I ran in the house to hide, only for him to catch me after I thought the coast was clear and I returned outside to work in the vegetable garden. He would go get a quieter car and make another pass by my house unexpectedly.

Kelly wasn't too thrilled with the idea of him casing my house in his free time. I, on the other hand, was flattered that he liked me enough to do that. I couldn't escape and I wasn't strong enough to push him away, so we started a hot and heavy romance, complete with drama, scandal, and his wife. I got a lecture from her all the time about him. She never minced words about her feelings towards "Mr. Dangerous" as she began to refer to him as. She warned me that I was "travelling with him on a dead end road" and of course I agreed with her. I knew it was all wrong, he, was all wrong, I just couldn't push him away. Well, I couldn't keep him away was more the truth of it. It ended with him holding on to me even tighter. By the time he actually left his wife, or maybe she left him, I was pretty fed up with it all, but, I had him as a consolation prize. He and I could not have been more mismatched. We argued more often than we got along it seemed. It went on that way for a little over a year. I was not very happy, but I was committed, and, I was pregnant.

Kelly was sort of a wild child in her own right, and one particular trip to Daytona Beach was taken in her van, but with a license plate that was NOT her van's. As fate would have it, she was pulled over by a police officer there, spent the night in jail, and got a court summons over it. As the court date approached she was, understandibly, very nervous, and she pretty much begged me to accompany her to her court hearing. Being the good bestie that I was, I, of course, promised to go.

Her court hearing was set for 1:00 PM so we hit the road early and made it to Daytona Beach by around 11:15 AM or so. We were both famished because we had skipped breakfast, so we dropped in to a Krystal Burger for an early lunch, then Kelly felt like a few games of pool would help her shake off some pre-court jitters. So, we went to this bar on the boardwalk that we knew had pool tables and shot a few games of 9 ball. She was still feeling nervous and I suggested that a stroll along the beach to take in the salt air would be good for the soul. She agreed with that, so we left our shoes on the boardwalk and headed towards the surf.

Not wanting to get wet or too sandy, Kelly stuck to the inner portion of the beach, where she started a conversation with a guy who was carrying fishing gear and headed to the surf. I reached the water and was making my way up the beach and I got this overwhelming sensation to stop and look in the direction I had just come from. I turned over my shoulder and saw Kelly, still chatting with the fisherman, and thought "good, she looks a little calmer now." Then I saw him! He was running in my direction in the surf! My body turned stone still, and my heart skipped a beat, then resumed beating like a bass drum and I'm pretty sure I had stopped breathing altogether. He was my destiny incarnate; this golden bronzed guy with long cascading blonde ringlets...my Dream Lover!

As he continued to jog my way, I just stood there in a stunned stuper. He actually jogged right up to me and stopped about five yards from me. I stared unabashedly at him, but when I attempted to open my mouth to speak, I found I had no voice, no saliva, nothing. All I could do was stare. He looked at me and those ice blue eyes locked into my soul. He stood staring, not unlike me, for a few moments, and, with some difficulty it appeared, tore his eyes away to look down at something in the sand. Something he apparently had dropped. After retrieving the thing in the sand, his gaze returned to me, and he offered a slight smile. I was trying so hard to snap myself out of the trance like shock I was in, but just could not break the spell I was under. Dream Lover turned and continued his jog down the beach. I had forced myself to snap out of it after his gaze no longer held me captive, and I took a step to run after him, and yelled a "HEY!", except the "ey" part was intercepted by Kelly's yelling "Hey girl, we gotta go! Court's in 20 and I got to get there!" I turned back to face Kelly for a nanosecond before returning my gaze to the retreating form of my Dream Lover, literally running out of my life as fast as he ran in it. I was seriously torn for a moment between going with Kelly for moral support and pursuing my Dream Lover, but Kelly had grabbed my arm and was asking me what was the matter. I couldn't talk. She just looked at me strangely and said "Come on, we have to go, NOW! If I'm late, I go to jail!"

I did turn and go with my best friend, but as I walked away I turned one last time to look down the beach where my Dream Lover had gone. I could make out a golden, blonde figure way up the beach, standing alone parallel with me as I walked up the beach. He was staring and watching me walk away. He felt it too. My heart shattered into fine shards in that instant.

Back in the van on the way to the courthouse I finally could speak. Kelly had been asking me to say something, to tell her what was wrong with me. I was freaking her out and making her even more nervous. When I finally told her I had encountered my Dream Lover, the King of all my dreams on the beach right before she came up, she yelled at me "Why didn't you say something?!" I would have left you and come back for you after court, well if I'm able." I didn't say anything so she promised that if she wasn't in jail we would go back to the beach after court and find him. I agreed, but in my heart I knew the truth.

Kelly got off scot-free since she had done everything she was supposd to do to the letter to remedy her infraction, and, true to her word she took me back to that same stretch of beach to look for the King of all my dreams . We walked up and down the beachline for at least three hours and covered who knows how many miles that afternoon and evening. She finally had to admit what I had already known. He just wasn't there. I had known he wouldn't be. I could feel it. He was no where to be found on that beach.

We went home, Kelly a mixed bag of happy to be free and totally overcome with sadness for me. She had seen a change in me. It was beyond sadness, it was hopelessness. A hopelessness that had made a permanent and debilitating mark on my life.

My heart literally broken while watching that guy walk away from me and me powerless to stop him. When I went to all of the doctors' appointments as my pregnancy progressed, it was discovered that I had a heart murmur, one that had never been discovered previous to that fateful day on the beach.

Kelly moved away and we hardly talk to each other these days. She found the King of all her dreams, or at least she tells me and herself that. He seems to be good to her, and she loves him, so that's all that really matters.

I spent six more years with Mr. Dangerous before we finally parted ways for good. I am single now, and to my knowledge, he is too. We avoid each other like the plague, but he does have a decent relationship with our daughter at least. I cared for him, and even loved him, but I always knew he wasn't right for me.

Never again did I see that golden boy, my Dream Lover, the King of all my Dreams. I have never nor will I forget about him or that day on the sand. I never dreamed of him again either, at least not a dream I can recall. Sometimes though, I awake from a forgotten dream with big tears rolling down my cheeks, like waves; salty as the surf that day on Daytona Beach.