DRAGON DAUGHTER🐉 🐲 🀄

22 years ago, a dragon abducted my daughter from the haunted Hoia Baciu Forest. She's not human anymore. I don't know what she is.

Our empire is now at the brink of war with our most bitter of foes. It's like the ground beneath our feet were opening up and about to swallow us whole. I don't know how we can win without sacrificing our entire army.

My daughter, Sofia [Софіа], wants to Spartanize us. So, apparently, part of that would entail turning all of our warriors into monogamous homos, although she says they'd actually be bisexual and married to women while spending most of their time with other men. This is the most bizarre, counterintuitive idea I've ever heard in my life.

I don't want to tell her we can't use her ideas, especially since she seems so passionate and adamant, so I tell her that we have to consult with the Oracle of Dublin first. We travel there by airplane, and when we get there, I'm overwhelmed by the profound sense of unity I feel taking shape all over venerable Europe. The people are on our side.

I meet the Oracle for the first time and realize she's so beautiful that it's a shame she has been condemned to celibacy. She demands that Sofia be present for this sacred, mystical and numinous occasion, so I walk back to Castle Hotel and return with my daughter. A vast, eerie silence permeates the room, so I break it:

"My name is Mihail Miricescu [Міхаіл Міріческу], and I'm the King of România [Ромынія]. How do we win this war? Can we keep doing things the exact same way we have for generations or should we try something new?"

The Oracle becomes walleyed for a moment and gazes into a golden bowl of holy water. From her trance she communicates the following message: "Without true love, there can be neither peace nor victory. Men who truly love one another can more easily and courageously fight and even die for each other. Your daughter was blessed with a dragon's eye view of human history."

"Does that mean my daughter is correct in her queer vision for our army?"

"It's only queer from your perspective," the Oracle says. "The ancient Greeks, and the Spartans in particular, understood the vital roles of the masculine and the physical. Every male was required to join and train at their local palestra [παλαίστρα], to learn how to wrestle, and to exercise and wrestle naked together. Loyalty to the State and one another was inculcated and cultivated through discipline, virtue and monogamy, not hedonism and promiscuity."

My daughter Sofia adds her own two cents: "The men in our societies must feel that they are all contributing members of their empires and nations. Do you agree? The age of alienation, greed and decadence is finished. The agōgē [αγωγή] must become the new locus of our civilization. All men must be trained to fight against our enemies, and every man must have a boyfriend and a wife."

The Oracle takes a few moments to reply . . . "To help and teach all men to reach the zenith of their spiritual, moral, and physical potential and attractiveness is paramount. Women will also be provided with equal opportunities and training to reach their full potential. The most beautiful and brilliant women will be the first to choose their husbands after watching them exercise naked."

The Oracle stops speaking. "Do you have any more advice?" I ask her.

"To win, be like virtuous wolves in sheep's clothing."

After she beckons us to leave, we retire to our hotel rooms for the night. I'm not sure what to make of the Oracle's cryptic statement, but I'm confident that my daughter will make sense of it.

I fall asleep and into a strange dream. I stand on a frozen lake while gamecocks fight each other on the ice. The Oracle suddenly stands before me and proceeds to drive her arm through the lake's frozen surface, causing a fracture in the ice. As the ice breaks apart, she says, "Can you save your family? Can you save your people?"

I wake up to the telephone ringing and quickly answer it.

"Come to România," a voice on the other line whispers.

"Who is this?"

"It's Priest Onufrie, High Priest Onufrie [Онуфріе]. Ever since your daughter came back after being abducted by that dragon--who for all we know is the Devil itself--I've been noticing a lot of subversive and rebellious tendencies amongst the people and even some soldiers."

"What do you want me to do?"

" . . ." He hangs up.

I realize trouble's brewing in my mother country and that it's time to go back to România. I go to Sofia's room and am surprised to find her awake. She tells me that the priests in power must be fired. A new vision of the army must be imposed, a vision in which every male soldier is paired up with another male soldier. Publicity stunts consisting of pink and rainbow uniforms, soldiers kissing and men holding hands will increase the likelihood that our enemies will underestimate us. I know we can win this war now.