Deep dark depths

So it dawned on me, what you may ask ? The fact that life can’t go on like this anymore. I said to myself he will not get me down , I refuse to enter the dark hole of depression again. Not for me but for the four little lives that depend on me first and foremost…….

After having a really rubbish weekend, which stemmed from endless emails on the Friday from the ‘ex husband’. I decided that I would do something about this once and for all.

Currently two weeks in to a relapse with my depression and anxiety , I was trying my hardest to get through each day. Not only were we in the surreal times of ‘lock down 2020’ due to the outbreak of corona virus aka covid 19. I was having to look after four children on my own, restricted to what we could and couldn’t do. I’d usually spend my lockdown weekends in the garden with the children.

Who am I kidding !! I would sneak the children and I out to my best friends house for a bit of sanity . Two adults and ten children later. A few drinks endless snacks and cups of juice for the children we would end up crashing out there too.

You see my ‘bestie’ gets me and I get her. We both know what the others thinking . We were both comfy telling each other’s darling children off if they are naughty or praising them if they are behaving or do something good(#rarity).

Well you see this particular weekend was different, my best friend had plans and KH (knobhead) didn’t have my littlest two.

After receiving email after email literally tearing chunks off of me what started off as a good day ended pretty shit!! All because I let the power of someone’s vicious and spiteful words get the better of me.

I fed the children and myself and we sat down to watch a film on Netflix , Mama Mia here we go again (daughters choice) why did nobody ever warn me what a load of old !@;& it was !!

I telephoned our local pudding and cake delivery service and ordered two slices of my favourite banoffee pie. You see when I’m feeling down, depressed and shitty I comfort eat. I just wish I could comfort eat on melon or apples or something a lot more healthier . But the taste of gooey banana infused caramel over a digestive biscuit base just does something for the mind when you reach the deepest darkest depths.

I only demolished one slice and I have to say I shared a little with the two year old. I pretty much had no choice as that boy eats literally everything in sight.

I was cuddled up on the sofa with A and F whilst S and A were cuddled in a camp bed/den they had made on the floor. Watching the film S had chose and having a belly full of pie it was safe to say within the first 15 mins I had dozed off to sleep. F and A had too and so had A on the floor.

Fast forward and I wake to look at the clock on the living room wall to see it’s 06.20am. I look around I’m still holding the baby to my relief and he hadn’t rolled off and on to the floor. Social workers would have a field day !! ( that’s another story for another day). Big A was fast asleep top tail with me and little A was sleeping in his make shift den on the floor. S was no where to be seen but she had however made a wall of pillows and sandwiched them to the sofa with the coffee table to stop F rolling off incase he moved. Top marks to S for thinking of safety first ! ……………