documenting heartbreak day 1.

I don't really know what else to do except write. So here's my heart. It's broken real bad, but I'm going to try and let words fill the gaps. This is documenting heartbreak; no edits, no revisions, just raw truth and hurt.

Day 1.

It came out of the blue for me. I guess he had time to think about it, about how things changed and he didn't love me like he used to. I hung up the phone and the world seemed to hit mute. Like in the movies when the traumatic accident happens or the explosion in the background erupts and there's no sound - just my curled fingers gripping a pillow case and tears streaming down my face, crying so hard that no noise comes out at all. My head hurts and my eyes burn. I feel like I've run a marathon, my body aches and my jaw is tight from clenching my teeth, holding my breath in attempt to stop crying. I look down and see his promise rings on my hand, I look up and I see his picture framed on my night stand, I stare at his hat hanging on my wall and freeze time to the first night we spent time together. Under fireworks in summer air. And then I snap back to reality, not noticing I've started crying again. I don't know how to be okay with this, I don't understand how three weeks ago I was kissing him goodbye in my garage and now I'm hiccuping his name through scoffs of tears. I feel so unfinished, I had plans for months down the line. I'm finding myself unable to accept the last two years of my life are over. But how can they be over? He is my best friend, I can picture the lines on his hands and the divots in his shoulders when he hugs me. I just didn't see it coming, there was no fight, no final moment clarifying for the both of us it's over. We've said we're "on a break" but deep down I know he only agreed to that because he feels bad for me, and I know I'm just hurting myself by believing a week without talking will make him realize he needs me. He doesn't need me. And I don't need him. But it feels like I do, it feels like I'll never listen to another song without thinking about him, like I'll never sit on my tv room couch without thinking of all the nights spent talking there. It feels unfair. But I can't make him love me. I know he does love me, just not like that...anymore. And I can't even hate him, how can I hate the person who never let me open a door for myself, who always made sure I was walking on the inside of the side walk, who never sent me home without a jacket or a sweater, who loved my little siblings like they were his own and who called every night without fail. I don't know how to accept that it's over. Mom held me in her arms and cried with me, dad asked if I wanted some toast. Mom says it will be okay and there are other people. But it's hard to believe her when she's been with dad since they were seventeen. I've looked up to their relationship forever and I convinced myself I could have that too - that I found my forever. How am I supposed to love someone again. How do you look into another persons eyes and promise "I Love You" when you've promised it before. I want him. I want his hugs and his hands and the relief of falling into his arms after a bad day. How do I let go of the thing I never thought would leave.