Dear NoHeart

Dear NoHeart,

You were my first love… but you have no idea how you affected me or my future…

I loved you because you didn’t seem to care about what other people thought of you. In fact, you enjoyed every bit of those negative perspectives, you loved the anarchy because that was how we would ‘fight the system’ in our day. You seemed free because you didn’t give a f*** who was watching and did what you wanted. To my sheltered mind, that looked like the closest thing to freedom that I would ever know. (If we are being honest, you seemed to have everything that I lacked… so I thought you were the missing puzzle piece)

You had everyone the way you wanted them, upset about your antics or wrapped around your finger. You enjoyed playing with people's perspectives. You thought everyone was stupid and it was worth the laugh.

(I had no idea how much you were actually like the joker, until I looked back on it. and not in the good way)

When you first took interest in me, it was the first time someone paid any attention to me. I didn’t put energy into trying to be attractive, because I didn’t believe I was ever going to be. I was always bullied, and walked on… I was so used to fading into the background… and so I lived with that belief for as long as I can remember.

In the beginning you made me feel so special... what little attention I would receive, felt so monumental, because I genuinely had nothing to compare those feelings to. (Let’s face it, when you are young, everything feels like a roller coaster…You move so fast you can barely keep your s*** together). I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being swept away, but… I had no idea you were playing with the emotions of many… I was an unmarked number in a flock of black sheep, silly sheep yet to be branded.

I didn’t understand, that to you, I was only special because I was a virgin. my age made it even more delicious. 18 and undamaged. To you, that was like finding a unicorn in the forest, and just like a poacher... You’d cleared off a space on your mantel, ready for the kill.

Do you remember the day that I killed your interest?

Do you remember the night that your broke my spirit?

You just couldn’t understand boundaries... not because you were actually stupid, but because you genuinely didn’t care.

That a simple discussion of boundaries turned into a clear line in the sand… it was the day you realized I wouldn’t let you have what you wanted. I wouldn't let you play with me or take from me. Because you wanted ownership of something that was never yours to try and take. I believe it was to be given willingly. This made you angry.

I don't think that you had never been told “no” before. You wanted to give me a “first time” but I 'gave you', your first real rejection… I don’t know why you thought that I was weak, or weaker because of it… But you misunderstood because you had no interest in listening in the first place… I didn’t ‘not want you’, I just wanted it to be on my terms. I didn’t want to become another conquest. I refused to be another number. It felt empty.

But you rebelled, in a way that I never expected.

I’d never felt so sick.

So angry.

So heavy. I could barely breathe or think.

shattered... and self destructing.

That night, I threw a full queen size metal frame and mattress out of my second story apartment. my pure rage nearly got me evicted from my building... no one wanted to know if I was OK. As far as they could see, I was just another nuisance...

A little girl should never be brought to a place where they can wreak that kind of havoc.

I didn't know how to deal with what I felt... I had never felt so empty.

When someone breaks your heart for the first time… you never know how you are going to feel… or how you are going to handle it… Everyone tells you that you’ll be fine, and you’ll get through it. No one tells you how long that will take. What's worse is when they normalize it. "it happens to everyone. You'll be fine"...

But no one stayed with me in the fallout. Everyone left. I had no one…I didn’t realize that anyone I called a friend, was just a mindless moth, being drawn to your useless flame. More like flies gathering to be a part of your pile of s***… You were the one that decided I was worthless... and somehow, I was punished. I was left alone with no one to encourage me. no one to believe me.

Nothing made sense…and as far as I could see at that point? Even when I win, I still lose…

The sad part was… It took me a long time to figure that out…. You made me think that I didn't matter. I'd never be enough. I thought if I built a version of myself, a shell of what I thought could be good enough… that I would be accepted by the people I wanted to love me…

For a long time, every time I met someone new, I redesigned myself to fit their shape of perfect. It’s no surprise why I could never meet anyone’s impossible standards. It was impossible because it wasn't based on reality. I was building my girlfriend avatar...

But I didn’t understand that in your conquest, I didn’t mean anything in the first place. I beat myself up for a long time, because I thought that this meant that I was the one that meant nothing.

I gave you more power than you deserved. I had no value in myself because of it…

It took forever to figure out, and a lot of pain.

But… I am going to be OK. It took forever to get there, but I've made it work.

Sadly, I have to thank you.

It really sucked, but this moved me in the right direction.

It was the first step for me to learn what I need to feel loved. It seemed impossible, but I made it through. I let a lot of bad people take advantage of me, but I got to learn the hard lessons, and become better than my past.

I have learned that the only way any one can appreciate me, is if I stay real.

Real to myself, my values, and everything I stand for.

I hope that, if you haven’t learned by now, someday you figure out what it means to love someone for real. I hope that you find someone who is your equal. Someone who teaches you about balance, and that power isn't what relationships are about. I hope you learned that people aren’t playthings, and you found someone who isn’t just your toy.

This is me, saying goodbye, to what you took from me, and the broken part of myself.

I don’t need her anymore.

XO-Forever Getting Better