But I Still Love You...

I loved you because you wanted me. You chose me above the rest of the world. You were 100 percent certain. Not only that, but you knew how to love me in exactly the way I yearned for. It was perfect. I loved everything about you. Our similarities were mind blowing and our chemistry was powerful. You told me all the dreams i'd been dreaming all my life like they could be real. It was all your idea, and I was ever so happy to be swept up in it all. That’s how it was for a while, and then things began to change.

Most of us have been on either or both sides of this story. I’m usually the one leaving. To the point where a large part of me actually doesn’t believe it even happened, that this man I chose like no one before, actually broke up with me.

I have experienced many types of relationships in my life, both open and traditional. I have traveled extensively, having my share of intimate encounters lasting on average two weeks. I have fallen in love many times, in many ways, and learnt how to love unconditionally, and how to love without attachment. I learnt that a relationship is something two people build with intention and choice. This Man who unexpectedly stole my heart was experiencing truly falling in love as a mature man for the first time. Having spent a lot of time alone by choice, his version of the relationship story was a tunnel so narrow that one ripple in the waters, and it equaled not-going-to-workout. This relationship required of me to give up my job, home, car and possessions to move countries to start a new life together. As I became more certain, he began to have doubts. After six months he ended it for what seemed to me no reason at all. Leaving me in the situation of being homeless, car-less, jobless, possessionless, country-less, and clueless.

What I did have was 100 percent responsibility for my choice. Knowing the risk. Choosing to trust the words of the one I loved. I chose to give it all up. I chose to jump. I am proud of myself for the courage it took to be so willing to give love the best chance possible. I saw a good thing, and gave it 100 percent I learned who I am when I’m giving 100 percent and it felt so good. What I do have is trust in my ability to make good out of anything and the opportunity to re-invent my life from this space he created in it.

Now we do not speak. He wanted space. There is not closure. But I am happy because I know my choice. I chose to love him, and I am loyal to my choice, despite his. This is my opportunity to practice unconditional love, of which I speak so much about. I love him for wanting space. I love him for the moments in this life we did get to share. I love him whether he chooses me or not. Because my heart truly committed. I said “you are enough for me, exactly as you are,” and it’s ok that it did not get reciprocated, because that was the first time I’ve decided I don’t need to change someone. Maybe it’s a dose of my own medicine, payback for all the times I was not able to accept others fully the way they were, so I humble myself, say thank you, and become willing to love again. Not from desperation, but from self love, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Strengthened by the knowledge that my heart knows how to regenerate, and I trust the one day the pieces will fit. When I will have everything to gain and nothing to lose, because all of my fears have already been faced and their scars are colourful adornments on the petals of the open flower my heart is becoming.

One more month on the road, and then I go back to discover how this silence has landed for him, and understand if closure is possible. In the meantime, everyday I practice forgiveness, of him, of myself, of everyone and everything. I choose to remain open to life and love, and still hold him in my heart in his own unique place. My commitment to unconditional love has led me beyond my own agenda, beyond my own self pity, beyond blame and judgement, beyond ownership or need. It is a place of generosity. A gift requiring nothing in return, a gift that is a gift just to give. For if I can love myself enough to love another at that capacity, beyond the story of what he did to me, deep enough to transcend stories, and acknowledge his soul. Only then do I deserve to love him. We all deserve to be loved at this capacity.

I know that what I embody will be what I attract, and so I embody love for who the people around me are, transcendent of what they do. This does not mean being a doormat. Love is soul to soul, our human selves must still respect our own and each others' boundaries, for that is part of friendship and self love. However, we must forgive, set free, and keep moving forward from the things we cannot change.

I still love him, he broke up with me, but that is not who I am, I did not break up with him, I stuck to my choice of loving him unconditionally, and because of his choice, now I love him from a distance. I do not have him, but I have my integrity, my truth, and the same feelings of love inside me. The love still alive in me is being inspiration, being a reminder of non-attachment, and of life's finite nature, driving me to appreciate even more the moments I have and the people with whom I get to share them. I claimed my feelings of love as my own, and no one can take that away from me.

It's who I am.