BREAKING THE CYCLE

That comment is accurate, my friends are right...

I'd like to think I'm a different breed, I would never do what was done to me, and never have.

The shit I tolerated in the past makes me sick to my stomach.

People might say that I am emotionally detached, that I can get over relationships way too easy, that I have commitment issues.

That I rushed into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. ..

Perhaps...maybe... definitely. I really didn't have solid role models.

As a teenager two weeks of having a "boyfriend" was my limit at a time. Then I met my first, the one who I gave my virginity to at the solid age of 14 and a half.. He was 17. Yes spare me the eye roll...

I know I was young. But I actually had real feelings for him. Not just "puppy" love.

He made me feel like I was the only one in the world that mattered.

The way we meshed, talked, hung out and how he adored me. Then he moved without warning, and broke my heart into a million pieces although not intentionally.

He moved back 2 years later and we were set on rekindling what we once had intimately.

We hooked up a few times and decided we would try a relationship again and then the night before our "first" official date since moving back he was killed walking home from work.

He was hit by a vehicle. He was only 19. I don't know if my heart ever repaired fully.

My first "love" was dead, and a piece of me died with him. It took forever to bounce back. And my behavior turned toxic. I didn't care anymore.

Love was a fairytale that I no longer believed in.

I spent years in and out of the dating world, never allowing myself to get too close, too attached, my worst toxic trait.

I had no problem being outspoken with other issues, no problems calling someone out and not sugar coating anything. I struggled with vocally projecting my feelings. Words to me were just empty shells.

I was a firecracker back in the day, with not a care in the world. Charismatic and confident yet full of piss and vinegar, a wild fire that was out of control basically.

My past made me hard.

My childhood set me up for disappointment.

I had to grow up way too fast.

My Dad's mental health took a toll on me. Always walking on eggshells. My Dad broke my heart before any boy could.

Lashing out to the next second telling me he loved me. At one point even saying he wished I was dead, and I meant nothing to him.

I had to have him committed when I was 17.

I was no longer living there, I went to see my younger brother, to check in, to party with friends.

I was on my own, back and forth 8 hrs and staying in towns in between.

My Dad was fighting his own demons.

Feeling terrible for leaving my youngest brother to his own devices, but I had to escape.

My dad did however "step up" when my mom walked out, doing the best he could despite his issues.

Still as an adult he runs hot and cold with me.

I had to wash my hands and keep my distance. It's been a couple years since I have seen him.

He calls once in a while.

He also developed an addiction to pills. But quit drinking when I was younger.

He met his wife while on the same floor of the psych ward. She is more mentally unstable than he is, causing our family to split up.

I'm still "close" with my brothers.

My mom and I weren't on good terms, I resented her for leaving me, leaving us, cheating on my Dad.

Resented that she allowed such toxicity to take place.

We finally reconciled when I gave birth to my daughter. And since been patching up the pieces.

My Mom leaving when I was 14 and me taking on a role of a parental guardian to my brother's crushed me.

I needed her, I needed her to get me through things.

Her choice in men weren't the greatest from those dependant on drugs and alcohol to abuse.

My Grandparents were my go to. They made me feel safe, gave me unconditional love.

Accepted me. Gave me a place to call home. A place to come and go when I was in town. Since the moment I got my license at 16, they were my escape.

I mostly turned to my friends and their parents.

My friends were my rock. Scattered from all over, small towns to big cities.

I had choices, a destinations, couch surfing and keeping odd jobs to get by.

I just wanted to find that balance. Ideally to stay grounded, open my heart and feel, without uncertainty, and detachment.

To find my heart it's forever "home" and continue to embrace these feelings that freak me the fuck out.

I fucked up.

I took things for granted.

Figuring I'd be settled down by now.

Feeling like I let my daughter down.

I didn't break the cycle.

She has never seen me in a stable, nurturing relationship. I left her Dad when she was a baby. She has never witnessed me being in love, or someone loving me. Honestly I don't really know other than my first if it was ever based on love again.

I should have made better choices.

But how would I have ever known?

How would I have ever known my past choices would affect my daughter's choices in her love life?

I didn't. I couldn't of.

Fast forward and I am still trying to balance it all out.

Pushing people away my whole life.

Life gets messy. I am still looking for that perfectly imperfect balance. And this time I won't settle for a temporary fix.

I need to learn patience. Learn to trust. When you are constantly shown something you adapt to it.

I'm trying. And that's all I can keep doing.

I know I have came along way. And with this it's given me strength and some clarity.

My past doesn't define me.

I may be layered, but have empathy, and insight to share.

My daughter at such a young age has already been in a continuous cycle of bad relationships.

Almost breaking her.

Physically harming her and manipulating her soft heart.

She makes the guy in her life her whole world, her main priority and everything else put on hold or the back burner. I thankfully was never like that.

So I'm trying to help her through it the best way I possibly can. But as a parent it's tough being on the side lines.

Now she has a daughter. A daughter who she needs to break the cycle for. But with a Dad who is treating her Mom horribly, I'm afraid that she will think this is normal behaviour.

I try to be the voice of reason, I've been open about my past relationships. Yet don't get too involved but she knows I am here regardless.

She needs her own life, independence.

These boys are dragging her down.

Last year was hard. It almost broke me as well.

These boys show the same patterns, but if you don't know what a real relationship should transpire you follow the same continual patterns...

To some getting into that mindspace that things will get better, things will change, but I love them.

That's not love. And to those that have been in toxic relationships, I am talking to both men and women, talking to those who have been cheated on, mentally abused, accused of being the toxic one, manipulated. How many of you can say that was real love? That you 100% were in fact in love..

Lust maybe. How many can say it fucked them up for future relationships?!

I for one have loved one person in my life.

As for my daughter,

She attracts the broken. Because she thinks she can fix them. She has a bleeding heart.

She has a bubbly personality.

She is a beautiful soul inside and out.

I only hope these teenage love affairs smolder out that this is just a faze she will grow out of. I hope a guy walks into her life and treats her the way she needs to be treated, shows her love, respect and protects her heart.

God I love her, and will show my granddaughter the same unconditional love and support.

I hope to right the wrongs.

Even though I showed her nothing but unconditional love, it's just not the same.

She does have some of my qualities, My fiestiness for sure.

I just hope she is strong enough to walk away sooner than later.

Strong enough to know her worth, to show her child a different way of life.

Strong enough to realize she deserves the moon and stars and shouldn't settle for less. I can only say and do so much.

She knows I have her best interests at heart but she is a teenager who needs to make her own path.

So yeah I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My own Mom and I had a similar conversation.

Admitting our past mistakes.

Trying to break the cycle.

Some make themselves too available, others distant. The key is finding that perfectly imperfect balance.

I have decided that if a guy wants to get to know me, date me, fuck me he will have to step up, No more will I text first. No more will I drain my energy. No more will I care. It has literally came down to this again. If a person doesn't make the effort then they are not of importance to you. Some people have other agendas and just want to stay connected with minimal effort just to have you at their own convenience.

Sometimes when you start giving a fuck that fuck will fuck you the fuck up.

If someone wants you in their life they won't make you doubt their intentions.

Breadcrumbing, ghosting plain out ignoring.

Making excuses instead of putting in the effort.

Red flag that he probably wasn't that into you.

I tried. Why was I wasting my time on someone who won't make time for me?!

I'm done being someone's convenience.

Time for me to put them on the back burner.

Time for me not to give a shit.

Time for me to only interact with those interacting with me.

Boys pretending to be men.

Clearly keeping their options open.

So am I... I'm playing by my rules now.

If we don't communicate consistently then I take a step back.

Make me a convenience, I will be a distant memory.

I know my worth.

Games are for children. Yet there are those still playing.

Liking the thought of me but not taking the opportunity to see me.

Dating at any age still sucks.

Why was I expecting anything to be different?

Why did I think men at my age would have their shit together? Would know how to treat someone? Would learn from past mistakes?

If you hesitate between me and someone else don't pick me.

Don't spend time in the beginning getting to know me if you don't plan on sticking around.

Don't tell me you crave me or need me but don't do anything to follow through. Don't bother me.

I want a real man who isn't emotionally damaged, one who owns his feelings, one who makes me a priority. Makes the time when I have the time.

Not pops back into my life after no contact for months expecting me to be waiting.

I wait for no one.

And my wall has been rebuilt.

Doesn't matter how close we once were.

That doesn't matter. Effort does. Step up or move the fuck out of my way.

Treat people how you want to be treated.

 I will become unstoppable because now I realized I do deserve better.

Never underestimate my kind heart for weakness.

My tolerance has depleted.

The scariest feeling is discovering a new emotion your heart never felt before, my mind is still confused.

I have had a couple minor set backs.

Things that I have not yet experienced.

But ones I am working towards.

Carrying the weight on my shoulders solo for so long.

I decided to turn my attention inward, to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself unleashing a untouched version.

I don't like talking about past people.

They are exs for a reason and some were why's ... Why the fuck did I ever give you the time of day?!. These experiences only made me realize what I need to look for, what red flags I need to be weary of moving forward, and what I will never tolerate again. Nobody wants a continuous cycle.

Rather find inner peace and someone who compliments life not complicates it.

Focusing on the present, not the past.

The kind of guy who wants substance should be able to see you at your worst, your silliest and everything in between. Attentive to your needs, and vise versa. Again we learn as we go.

 We are human, and yes, we may develop feelings that freak us out, leaving us to get in our heads, panic. Overthink. My mind races. I may not be able to rewrite the past. But I still control the narrative of the chapters to come. Trusting the process.

Not everyone will hurt you . It's finding those that calm your life not create chaos....

Take me to that place....

A place where we can grow stronger over time.

A place where I never have to feel alone again.

A place where we make sure we are attentive.

A place where doubt doesn't cloud our judgement.

A place for our feelings to grow and are reciprocated.

A place where honesty, trust and open communication come to play.

A place where we are there for each other and can rely on each other for the support we need.

A place where it becomes a natural habit to ask for help.

A place where we make time.

A place where compromise is welcomed.

A place where he is my first thought when I wake and my goodnight text before I go to sleep, where even apart we make time to communicate.

A place where I feel safe, comfortable and appreciated and vise versa

A place like no other place I have ever experienced before....

But most of all.....

 A place where perfectly imperfect comes to life.