Breaking Off a Toxic Friendship
This is a personal text I sent to someone I learned was not the best person to have around in my life.
This friendship commenced at the beginning of summer and ended in October due to the reasons you'll soon read below. Disclaimer; the illicit drug use on my part is restricted to the timeline of this friendship and has not continued since. This article is in no way written to encourage recreational drug use under any circumstances. This article is for anyone out there struggling with toxic relationships, whether it be platonic or romantic. Hoping to bring clarity and perspective to others with my personal experience.
I wanted to address some things that have been making me feel off about our friendship for the last month and a half and especially after last night I feel compelled to tell you about it. So for starters I’m really worried about how heavily you do drugs Dexter. And I’m not trying to judge you but as a peer that genuinely cares for you I feel obligated to say something. The way you looked when I arrived at the club last night was something I’m not used to seeing. You were drenched in sweat and bewildered. And of course I understand you’re having fun but to what extent? Later that night when we went back to your place you boasted at the rate you do cocaine mentioning “yesterday I did 4 lines of coke before my shift.”
Before meeting you I have only done weed and tried cocaine once. I tried molly, acid, and cocaine again with you because I have this bucket list type of concept when it comes to some drugs and just want the experience the thrill of it for one time only. Hence why I tried acid and molly. But cocaine has never really made me have an “experience” and that resulted in me choosing to try it another time with you and the 2 other times were me succumbing to peer pressure. I’m not really a big recreational drug user other than marijuana and even then that just helps me with my sleep and anxiety a lot.
But back to my point of being worried about your relationship with drugs, I feel like you’re addicted to cocaine mainly or at the very least on the cusp of an addiction and that scares me because doing drugs in general are bad but become lethal at the rate you’re doing it at. And you’re so young with so much life to live and I feel like you’re sabotaging the rest of the years left you have on earth by sacrificing your health for a temporary moment of drug induced happiness. And that makes me sad because there’s so much more to life than that.
Which brings me to my next issue; I’ve been through a lot—as have you and I’ve worked really hard to improve my mental health from being diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2016. And I’m trying to find my place in this world and make contributions to it that will fulfill me and possibly others in the future. I want to work toward bettering myself as a human being and work to make my goals and dreams a reality. So being in an environment with someone who demonstrates self destructive behaviour doesn’t help, especially when you surround yourself with people who are as equally self-destructive as you. Like hearing your friend Stacy talk last night about everything she’s been through because of drugs and alcohol was scary. But what was even more scary was how un-phased you both were. And I have to say as an adult who actively chose to encourage that behaviour last night and even indulge for a brief moment, upsets me because that was really irresponsible on my part. Which is part of the reason why I feel like I need to address it and have it result in me walking away from it all because it’s a lot of dark and toxic energy that just isn’t good for me or anyone for that matter. But I can only control myself so I’m choosing to walk away.
I feel like this all started out fun and innocent but I’m realizing more and more just how inaccurate that is and that it’s just damaging to the human spirit and human psyche. I feel like we’re not on the same wavelength spiritually and by that I don’t mean religion, I just mean we want different things from this world and this life. And the more time I spend with you, the more I realize how much we contrast and not in a good way.
I also feel like you can be a pretty negative person, rather than someone who is supportive and uplifting of their peers. I’m not used to having a dynamic like that in friendships because all the ones I have push me to be the best possible version of myself and I do the same in return because we genuinely love and care about each other and want nothing but the best. And I think everyone deserves a friendship like that. They also possess qualities I admire and qualities that add light and love into this world and not darkness and toxicity.
For example, last night you said you were gonna be home from work at 11:30pm. And even though I was jet lagged as fuck I still wanted to make the effort to see you, so I took a quick nap and woke up at 11:53pm and got scared because I thought I kept you waiting so I called you immediately only to have you tell me that you’re on your way to Phil’s with a bunch of other people and want me to come with. That annoyed me because you weren’t considerate enough to notify me about the change in plans since you previously committed to hanging out with me that night. And you probably never would have if I didn’t call you, which I kind of found selfish because it’s not the first time you’ve done something like that. But I was mostly disappointed because I had just come back from an amazing trip that filled me with a lot of joy and I wanted to share that happiness with you and was excited to tell you about it. However when I briefly mentioned about studying abroad and leaving Waterloo you said “it’s stupid” and that you’re “judging” me “so hard right now” because you implied that it was a waste of time and money. That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, but I value education and love learning and everything in life happens for a reason. So even though I’m not getting my degree at Waterloo, I made connections and relationships from that school that I’m proud of and still have today. I also learned a lot about myself and my respected major while I was there and that to me is priceless and could never be considered “stupid” or a “waste."
Which brings me to my other issue is how you view the world and the type of attitude you have towards it can be very small minded and ignorant. I don’t even know where to start because when you and Zach share your genuine opinions on people of colour and politics there’s so much that comes out of your mouths that perpetuates dangerous narratives that people have dedicated their entire lives to reverse. And I know you think there’s truth to every stereotype but there really isn’t. A stereotype takes an isolated incident or characteristic and generalizes a mass of people to traditionally break them down and segregate them from other groups of people. Which is what you do because you said last night you’ve only travelled outside of Canada to Cuba and no where else and yet you implied Jamaica is gross and poverty struck and that Stacy shouldn’t do her destination wedding there. And that’s completely ignorant and out of line since 1, you’ve never even been there. 2, you said that because majority of the country’s revenue is from tourism and for some odd reason that compelled you to believe it’s a terrible place to visit when in reality it’s the opposite. Jamaica is one the best and safest vacation spots in all of the Caribbean because the country depends on it. Third of all, there’s poverty in EVERY country on this earth. Every. Single. One. But that doesn’t mean beauty doesn’t exist within them.
Also I really hate the fact that you say the n word with such ease and with little to no remorse and then had the audacity to challenge me on why you couldn’t say it when I’ve explained it numerous times. You then tried to relate it back to using the f word and that even made Stacy turn her head in opposition and mention that the two are quite simply not the same. I have friends of multiple races and not one has challenged me or not understood why they should not say the n word. It’s fine if it was a one time thing and you genuinely didn’t understand, but you continue to do it saying both versions. I feel like I swept it under the rug long enough and was too passive and I quite literally just won’t put up with that anymore because it’s actually disrespectful. But you’ve shown me you don’t really care because you do it anyways without batting an eyelash and that bothers me and again I’m not used to that type of behaviour and would much rather stay far away from it. Feel free to respond or not but I just had to let this out because it was bothering me a lot more than usual after last night. Take care, Dexter 💜 I truly wish you nothing but growth and happiness but I simply can’t be apart of an environment that doesn’t help me grow to be a better person in any way, shape or form.
Love T 🖤