Breaking My Own Heart... Again

The worst feeling in the world is having your heart broken, when you know damn well it’s your own fault. You knowingly went into a situation, with the knowledge of the risk, but wanted so badly to believe something had changed... they had changed. They hadn’t changed. You can’t even be mad at them anymore, because at this point, even you can’t say you didn’t know the likely outcome. You should have predicted it, and you did.

He isn’t the bad guy. He just isn't boyfriend material. Something screwed him up so badly, he will destroy anything and anyone who will love him. Maybe one day he will find the one worth fixing that broken part of him for, but it hurts to realize I will never be the person. You aren’t the person they need, and they will never be what you need, and you know this. For some reason, you still want to try every time they come back and pretend to be the perfect boyfriend again.

This time was the hardest. He called regularly, and really seemed to make an effort. You held off so long to invest this time, because you knew the risk. You knew how badly it hurt the other times he left. The memory of it still causes an ache to fill your chest. In your head if you just made sure his intentions were pure this time, it was fool proof.

Months passed and he was still there, making an effort. He was different. The pattern wasn’t the same. There seemed to be no pattern, and this was more terrifying. You feel yourself starting to fall again, and you know how this always ends. One last time you convince yourself to hold off. You didn’t even tell your friends about his dramatic change of behavior, because they are done hearing it. This time, when he will have finally become the man you knew him to be all along, you will tell them the great news. Until then, you quietly work this out on your own.

The day comes, and you are sure he is genuine and his intentions are honorable this time. You open up. "Just be honest…" he said three months prior, the night you reunited. Those words had been the basis for this change. You both seemed to have been honest, and this was the catalyst for the different outcome. This time really seems different. He didn’t shut you out. Dialogue follows and it seems okay.

It’s not okay. In the end, he just wanted to change it up a bit. You had grown a little bit stronger than the times before, and you weren’t as easy to react. He really needed to lure you in this time and sink the hook in. He needed to go just a little bit further to illicit the reaction he needs to fuel his shattered ego.

It had to end this way. You on the concrete, shattered and he with a boosted ego thriving off your broken pieces to mask his insecurities. He can live off of this victory for a while, until someone points out his flaws and devastates him again. The ones you are aware of, but love him too much to mention. The ones you try to help him see as beautiful as you see them. That’s what apparently sends him back to the safety of your arms, but you hadn’t accepted this reality up until now. Despite the attempts he makes to take away your power, you are the most powerful of this equation. You hold all the power, despite the way you feel powerless and empty. He has fed off of you again.

You will fill back up. You will heal, and someone will shatter his ego sending him cowering back to you. He knows you are the only one who can fix him. A new person could completely destroy him, but you… you are the safety net. You are the one who loved him when he didn’t deserve it. The one who forgave him when he was unforgivable. You are the one who brought him back to life so many times. He won’t survive a rejection without having you there to build him back up. You are his saving grace and the one who never rejects him… until one day, when you finally do.