Boys Need Love

Let's talk for a bit, as this topic has been on my heart for a while.

It was a Wednesday morning when my partner, David, and I attended a Principal's breakfast. The topic was centered around suicide — specifically men's suicide.

𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵, 𝟳𝟱% 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗱𝗮 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗲𝗻. 𝗛𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝘁.

It is 10x more likely for men to commit suicide...and it is because they have no where to go and no idea how to talk about it.

They don't see any options.

Our resources are geared towards what women naturally know; that we need to open up and be vulnerable.

Here's the issue, that is NOT what boys are taught growing up.

They are taught to be tough and numb. To reach for success before they reach for a hug. Their entire upbringing is about competition and striving to be the best.

So when they are in trouble or lost, the last thing they are going to do is talk about their feelings.

This shows up in so many ways.

Disconnection from friends and families, lack of vision and goals, over working themselves, people pleasing, aggression, ego, self-confidence and self-esteem issues.

Often can be more destructive behaviors such as alcohol and drug abuse, sexual misconduct and self harm.

In children it look like aggression and emotional outbursts, disinterest in school, or lack of connection with peers and teachers.

There are so many signs that can show us that men and boys are not okay inside. Yet, when they do come together to talk or speak about these issues, we fear them.

Dr. Raj Bhatla of The Royal Ottawa Hospital shared some disturbing and alarming information when I spoke up about needing a community and tribe.

"Men's groups in college are banned" and it is the same in elementary school.

That blew me away.

We have vilified boys coming together as something to be feared.

What message does that send to men?

We isolate them to the point where they don't even know how to open up anymore and they explode.

It's absolutely heartbreaking. I've experienced first hand the suffering it causes.

My own father tried to take his life and a close friend in high school succeeded in taking his life.

All my sexual offenders were men who were so desperately seeking some sort of access to love and safety.

*I know that it maybe triggering for some to hear that — and I completely understand — but I am on a different part of my healing journey and I do not expect others who have been assaulted to see it this way. Nor do I believe that every situation is like this. Please honor your own feelings and healing journey.

But I had relationships prior to my assaults. I knew these men and boys, and I knew their challenges. They were emotionally incapable of dealing with life and did not have the right guidance to even begin to understand what to do with the amount of pain, rage, frustration and sadness inside of them.

The challenges both men and women face today have come from hundreds of years of oppression. It is not just women who are learning to find their place in a world after a system that kept them small for so long.

Men are too finding their way and place in the world after so long they were put on pedestals and given the world at birth. It is confusing and frustrating for everyone involved.

And at the same time, acknowledging that it is in fact true, a lot of violence and pain are caused by men. We know this to be true.

They are dying at a higher rate and killing at a higher rate. All of it is redirected pain.

So what do we do in this complex mess that is filled with both sadness and anger?

We need to be pro-active.

A shift in culture and the way we support young boys and men.

Both sexes need to be in on this. This is not finger pointing, we all have a responsibility in this.

Women, we can start by teaching our girls that boys are not to be feared. We can protect ourselves without fearing them. Teaching healthy boundaries and self love is a more effective way to create safety within relationships.

Teaching our girls that boys are not less intelligent than us. Look, I see it happen. It happens in subtle ways. Emasculation is real and I sometimes have caught myself in these petty power plays.

We need to show boys compassion and love, nurturing their curiosity and creativity. Getting them in touch with nature too.

And encouraging them to open in safety within our relationships. There are so many women who also play into the "tough boy". We see their tears and sadness as less "manly" and it creates toxicity within so many relationships. We too perpetuate the stigma.

BUT! Women, it is NEVER our job to save men, or anyone. We always have a right to "No" and healthy boundaries. This is not our job, but we can do our role because this is not just about them or us- it affects everyone.

Men, this is really where you are needed. You need to step up and out of your head. Boys, they need your guidance and support. Mentorship is the single best thing for a young man. Intimacy and connection is a human trait, not a woman trait.

Your presence and willingness to show your hardships and struggles. To show your pain and normalize it. That it's okay and life isn't only about success.

Men, you need community. Mens circle that vulnerably open up about your issues without violence. My partner and his friends have done this beautifully.

They come together and share and challenge one another to rise. They believe in another and truly love each other. They aren't afraid to cry or scream. They say fuck you to the stigmas of what Manhood is about and have created their own creed.

Every single one of them leave feeling they are better equipped to handle their challenges and they show up better as Fathers, Husbands and friends. I look forward to my man going to these circles because he comes home and he beaming with confidence and love (it's the sexiest thing in the world).

And all of us need to cultivate more emotional and mental health. Meditation. Nature. Exercise. Healthy food. Friendships. Vulnerability. Intimacy.

Many of us in the spiritual and coaching industry know this but going into the real world, it's obvious it is not happening on a mass scale.

So this is partially a rant and partially a call to keep doing the work.

Keep bringing down a system that has oppressed both men and women.

We all have a right to live and love. No matter what sex we are.

Give your boys and men hugs. They need them.