BLUE, THIS ONE’S FOR YOU

June 13 May 17, 2021

My therapist told me I should start writing my thoughts down in a little black book, that was a month ago. She gave it to me for free, at least. I already know these entries are going to make me sound like a drama queen and probably won’t even help me deal with the real problem. I would never write down the truth. Facing the truth wouldn’t help me. Even if she says so. Yes, I know I am contradicting myself by paying ninety fucking dollars to stare at each other while she waits for me to pour myself open. Ninety dollars to stare blankly at the wall, ninety dollars to hear the clock ticking by, ninety fucking dollars of pretending I will make progress. Knowing I never will. Nothing will change. There is no going back or forward. I am stuck in the present...I don’t want to write anymore.

June 17 May 22, 2021

Therapy was yesterday, she asked if I had written. I hesitated and lied. But she has a degree and eyes so she knew. She told me to pretend the letters were for him, I don’t think I can though. It’s too much. So I told her no, she responded with “not yet then.” Never I thought, but didn’t respond. If I can’t talk to him face to face, why bother. Why bother to pretend there is hope he might be listening. Why pretend it will ever reach him? We all know there is no plane that will ever deliver my letters to him...so I won’t pretend. That is that.

June 21 May 27, 2021

I’m not trying enough. I look sad and lifeless. Too skinny for my size. I haven’t seen them enough. I don’t keep in touch. I shouldn't give up. He wouldn’t want that. How the fuck do they know. Yes, they are my friends but they should understand. They don’t understand what it is like to constantly be reminded. To be reminded of your jeans being way too loose. Of your eyes having permanent black circles that also fill your whole body with persistent darkness. They don’t understand life without him. He is my person. My soulmate. He is my everything and seeing other people, living in this world, eating food he once ate...it simply feels like a betrayal. A betrayal to the vows we made. A betrayal that I am not strong enough to carry the weight of. So yes, I live the bare minimum but that’s keeping me alive. Is that not enough?

July 1 May 31, 2021

It’s been a while. If I am being honest I had already thrown this stupid little black book that seems to burden me with the need to express and reflect, when all I want is to forget. I threw it away but forgot to take the trash out. I had forgotten about the burden, until my therapist told me to bring it to the next session, she wanted to see if I had truly written. Well fuck I thought. So I had to search the trash bag like a fucking raccoon just to fish out the little black book. I feel back in high school finishing my homework in the car on the way to school. I need to start writing fake entries so she won’t know I had given up.

June 8, 2021

My coffee is ready. Black, no sugar, no milk...pure black. He liked it with a teaspoon of sugar and a good splash of vanilla soy milk. I did too, so black coffee it is. I am going to start my fake entries while I listen to some Spanish music, he liked Jazz. Like the fucking ridiculous kid I am being, I went back and scratched all my past entries to change the dates...she will probably know. Who cares honestly?

June 13, 2021

I don’t know what to write about, thank god she won’t read them because these entries are filled with absolute nothing. Why am I even going to therapy? Okay, I know why. He made me promise him I would if anything happened. He knew how shattered my heart will be, how every beat would be drawn from an energy of pain. He knew because he felt it too. It wasn’t love at first sight, because when you find the soul that matches yours it becomes peace at first sight. We met in the ocean. I was lying on my surfboard. The big lilac one. I went out into the water every morning. I can pretend to say it was to surf but really I liked the tranquility. It was my way of meditating. My way of being balanced. I would lie on my stomach on my surfboard arms folded to act as a pillow, and I would simply watch the waves move. All by myself but knowing I wasn’t. Ocean acted as my companion and that was enough. But one morning he came and that was that.

June 17, 2021

Imagine yourself being fully balanced. I am talking mentally, emotionally just fully balanced and thinking “I have reached fucking nirvana,” to find yourself as clueless as a new born. I am... Will I ever… Coffee break.

June 21, 2021

Coffee mug is filled. I’m using his. I haven’t used it ever since...but while the coffee was dripping down I realized it was only a matter of time before all of me dripped out as well. So I am giving this a real try. Just one entry I will write to him, from me. One won’t shatter me, but two might. One entry to him and I’ll call it a day.

July 1, 2021

Dear Blue,

Can you hear me? I can. I can hear you everywhere but it scares me. It scares me because I often feel you as well. Am I crazy? You’re right I’m not, because it truly is you. Just not you physically but you in the form of energy. We met in the ocean but Ocean took you. It took you, but it didn’t take you far because I can still feel you, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful but haven’t been able to forgive Ocean. My companion of so many years. Ocean who I spent mornings with and shared secrets to. Ocean who is kind at core. So why haven’t I returned to be fixed? Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared Ocean won’t be able to fix me or worse yet, she will and I will have to forgive Ocean. It wasn’t Ocean’s fault was it my Blue? You’re right. You were going to surf that wave no matter the storm because Blue my dear you were a soul that was created to surf. A soul that laughed with the rain and danced in the sun. At least you went fast. You know I took a photo before you fell into the depths? You are radiantly happy and that should be enough. And after all this time I think it is. You were passionate and kind and loyal and sexy and brave and sweet and most of all complete. We were two fully balanced souls that found each other, are you still balanced my Blue? I’m not I fear. Yes, I know. But I don’t want to. I don’t want Ocean to fix me, because I just can’t be fixed when I was already complete before. I can’t restore my balance if the other side of the scale is empty. Okay, fair I hadn’t thought of that. Why are you always a step ahead Blue? Yes, I can fill the other scale with smaller weights. I won’t get fully balanced, but maybe a bit. Is it weird that I can feel you here talking to me. If anyone read this they would think I am a crazy thirty year old. But we both know I’m not. Will I see you in the ocean? I know, that was dumb. Of course I will. You are everywhere now, thank you for that. For not leaving me alone. I will finish this entry now, I can feel the weight this is making me feel. It is starting to be too much. I need a breath of fresh air. Talk tomorrow? I’m joking. I'll see you in the ocean, seven in the morning. Same as always. Wish me good luck.

Yours always,

S.

July 2, 2021

I just got back from the ocean. It was amazing to be honest. I felt a slice of peace. Recharged? My thoughts are scattered but I wanted to write this before my sessions today: I forgave Ocean. Even if it was never Ocean’s fault. But Ocean is kind and welcomed me. Ocean is taking care of me. I even felt a small kiss on my cheek, it left a salt imprint. Hey Blue? A turtle popped up for air next to my board. He had a mark on his face, yes the same one as you. Same little heart shaped birthmark. Is that you or a message? I looked up the meaning: it symbolizes the continuation of life while also representing peace. A turtle’s mantra is “one small step at a time.” How do you still surprise me Blue?

July 2, 2021

I just got back from my session. I can’t believe you surprised me once again. You bought me this book, and you left me a secret letter that was to be given to me when I finally wrote in this little black book, you knew it would help. Oh Blue. I’m being brave for you…

Dear S,

I hope you are balanced. I know you don’t think you can, but we both know you can. I think you already realized that I am always with you and that you are always with me. It is the beauty of soulmates. Even in different dimensions we will be connected. Keep an eye out for my signs. I would apologize for dying, but how can I apologize for something that hasn’t happened yet? So instead I want to leave you with a tool to find balance again. I know you haven’t cleared out my jeep yet. In the safety compartment you will find a key and a lilac debit card. The key opens a small living trailer that you can attach to our jeep, our jeep now. Don’t shake your head. It is yours now and that’s okay. And the debit card. That’s to support your journey. Always wanted a sort of vanlife right? Well S, travel. Be free. Don’t be scared. I’m here. The debit card has $20, 000. Remember the surfing competition you signed me up without my knowledge because I was shy to, but I won anyways? Well, this was the prize. And now it is yours. Yours to travel with. I know you will want to travel alone, because that is how you work best. And that’s okay. But S, take the little black book; we both know it’s been working. I am sorry not to be alive for this stage of your life but I’m there, and you know that.

Always and forever,

Blue.

p.s. Before writing this letter I was out in the ocean and I saw a turtle with the same small heart shaped birthmark as me. Strange right? We stayed a moment together, just feeling at peace together...it was fucking magical.

July 10, 2021

I’m all set. His favorite jazz playlist is ready to be played on the stereo. My little black book is tucked in the compartment box. My new companion, a brown and white border collie, is already head out the window wagging his tail. So I hit play and as jazz fills our jeep, the wheels start turning. Ocean will be waiting at each stop and I will find peace. Blue, this one's for you.