A letter to my ex

Dear you,

I know it was my decision but I still think about you. It’s like you’ve embedded yourself in every particle that can possible be in my life. And it mostly doesn’t hurt but sometimes it gets too much, I just want a memory, a moment, a place, that hasn’t been touched by you.

When I cross the street you’re there telling me to speed up.

When I tie my shoe a go back in time to when you were the one kneeling down for me.

I went out for the first time without out you tonight, road back on a taxi alone. As I glanced at the empty seat next to me I couldn't help but experience all of the taxi’s we’ve shared, until one became the last one.

When my phone buzzes I immediately think it’s you because it has been only you for so long, making it only take a buzz to bring me back to you.

When I leave my flat without sending you a “leaving now” text— isn’t it weird all the patterns we involuntarily made.

Every time I walk into the kitchen I can’t help but walk out…it was your space. You use to cook my favourite meals without expecting any in return. Or made me try new food knowing comfort food has a way that ties me down. But now I cook for myself and maybe sometimes order in.

When I hit a blue day but can’t share it with you and all I remember are your arms around me.

When I look at a menu and spot your favorite pastry and part of me still thinks of taking it to go for when I see you next, but when will that be?

I went to our park the other day. It was sunny out and I needed the space to breath, walk, and simply be. But every path I took ended in a path we’ve taken together…until I sat at a bench you have never touched before and tried to make it my own.

When I wear those black socks you always tried to steal I sometimes debate if I should just throw them out. One of the pairs is missing it’s other half…did it get mixed up with your things or was it lost when we moved?

When I put my hair up, the black hair tie send me flying back to you and the fact that we don’t share them anymore.

Even my clothes don’t feel like my own anymore. Every piece that makes an outfit has been seen by you and I can’t help but go back in time to when I worn them with you. So I started buying a few things, to bring change and hopefully get rid of the touch you left in my clothes.

When I hear good news, some tea, or things that need background information to understand; I reach for my phone to call you but realise that’s no longer an options.

When I hear that one song we always played when we drank I still smile, but is it me or are they playing it too much these days? It’s like the radio stations know which songs are the ones that hit that one spot the most.

I still have all the sweaters you promised I could keep, I wore one to sleep in the other night. But it felt wrong to wear something that once meant so much, so is it okay if I return them?

When I finish class or drinks with friends I sometimes still think of texting you to see if you’re free to meet up…of course I won’t, I wouldn’t but I still think it.

When I drink coffee I think of how you didn’t love coffee but started liking it because I started making it for you— I kind of stopped drinking it now because I need to get you out of my system.

Our lives were so interloped it’s hard to find something that was just mine, something that won’t make me think of you and us. It’s hard to stop thinking about you. It just is. And I am grateful for the impact you had on my life. I’ll always be. But I think this has to be a goodbye…

I really need you out of my life. And I say that with all the love in the world. Because how can I think of me when my head is still thinking of us?

I’ll remember our long drives when it was the beginning and we couldn’t stop talking in need to share everything with each other.

I’ll remember our mornings, evenings, and nights.

I’ll remember our adventures and our days in.

I’ll remember the good, because there’s no need for the bad.

I’ll remember your laugh combined with your sarcasm.

I’ll remember your passions and your secrets.

I’ll remember it all, just me and my heart— no one else has to know.

I know it was my decision, but I still think about you. I still wish you the best in this life. The best love that matches your own. I still wish you the happiness and stillness that I know you deserve. The best of the best this life has.

I still think about you, but I think this has to be a goodbye.

Forever grateful,

- D.