Becoming: My Pandemic Journey from a Caterpillar to Almost a Butterfly

History fascinates me. When a worldwide pandemic struck, I was excited. My little family would get to experience a major historical event! We hunkered down and made a plan:

• No restaurants.
• Groceries sanitized.
• No guests.
• Stay home.
• Don masks.

2 weeks sounded unlikely, I predicted it would be at least a month maybe 2. So we prepared accordingly. Boy, was I wrong! We were all wrong! I had no expectation last February of the long lasting toll this would take on everyone.

My Quarantine Journal, March 2020:

“The opportunity for the human race to unite and defeat this invader is unprecedented. I feel a kinship with humans everywhere. We can mask, quarantine, and beat this stupid virus (Covid!)”

I was so hopeful. I felt closer to humans all over the world than I ever had!

It quickly became apparent that my view was idealistic. Instead of uniting the human race, the opinions about how to handle the virus turned into a divisive war instead. 

I found myself on the opposite side of this war as many of my closer friends. They continued with normal life, fighting for freedom to shop and worship without masks, while my family sat quiet and lonely at home.

I have traversed a rainbow of emotions these past months realizing with horror that some friends view me as a greater risk than the virus itself. My opinion that contact tracing is safe and helpful in stopping the spread of the disease, removed me from even group texts and only served to increase our isolation.

With 4 immunocompromised family members, and a strong sense of community responsibility, the mask and social distancing made perfect sense to me. But my friends with strongly differing views were drifting away; and we felt utterly left behind.

Loneliness can have greater negative effects on humans physically than most major diseases do. From the National Institute on Aging's research on the effects of loneliness:

"Research has linked social isolation and loneliness to higher risks for a variety of physical and mental conditions: high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, Alzheimer’s disease, and even death."

What to do? What to do? I felt like Winnie the Pooh trying so hard to think. Rather than stay stuck in depression, wrestling with my emotions or becoming angry and forsaking my friends, whom I love dearly in spite of our differences, I had to find a solution I could live with.

At my lowest point, I wanted to crawl away and never have friends again. I imagined never returning to churches that had eschewed masks in favor of freedom. I was convinced I could never belong anywhere while being true to myself. It was in this chrysalis of realization that I finally stumbled upon the truth.

A few months prior to the pandemic I had started re-reading the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. When the lockdown ensued and I began this crisis of belonging, two quotes from this book kept ringing in my soul and helped me to begin emerging from where I was stuck.

The first was a quote by Maya Angelou: “You only are free when you realize you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

Followed by Brene’s take: “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.”

These were exactly what I needed to internalize. I’m still emerging from my chrysalis. But I see hope. I can be true to my beliefs. I can love my friends while choosing to be different and see things differently. I can allow them to be true to their authentic selves and have respectful discussions seeking understanding rather than conversion.

My metamorphosis is slow. I am finding beauty in becoming who I really am. Finally. Wholly. Slowly. I am finding grace for friends who continue to process this event very differently than I have. And as an “almost” butterfly, I know I can have hard conversations and I can do hard things.

Belonging isn't about fitting in and agreeing on everything. It isn't a bunch of "friend clones." Belonging is living your wholehearted life everyday, being who you are meant to be and embracing others wherever they are at on this journey. By belonging no where, I am finally beginning to belong everywhere.... no where at all.

(Oh and I have learned to always keep one case of toilet paper downstairs. Just in case…..)

Thank you for reading. I wish you peace and hope as you journey with me seeking your wholehearted best life.

Side Notes:

I highly recommend this book or really anything by Brene Brown. She is one of my top three authors of all time. If you have never had the privilege of hearing or reading her work please start with this YouTube Video: The Power of Vulnerability. (I will write an entire story soon all about Brene!)