Avenues: Ch. 4

The holiday season only served to intensify how much I missed my mother now. Her laughter as we assembled our store-bought Christmas tree, echoed inside my mind the second my cousin decided to open the door to her apartment, and I spotted her own decorated tree. It’d been two weeks since I dropped off Willie’s laptop and since I hadn’t heard any updates from my unusually quiet cousin, I decided dropping by unannounced was my best option at getting the answers I needed.

“Julian! A phone call would’ve been nice,” Marissa stated, as she exhaled deeply, and I raised an eyebrow at her flushed cheeks. I rolled my eyes while she closed her robe, tying it quickly as she stepped back to let me in and closed the door behind me. It was obvious she had a guy over. Someone she didn't want me to know about from the looks of it. I looked around her small apartment looking for whoever it was she was trying to hide from me.

Great. Someone else to add to the list.

“Says the woman who wont answer my texts,” I fired back, not exactly in the mood for this argument, but if I had to take it there, I had no problem doing so. Marissa raised an eyebrow at my tone as she reached for her phone and read her text messages and crossed her arms as her gaze bore over me.

“I didn’t find anything on the damn laptop,” she claimed and I couldn’t tell if she was lying or not. I just knew I was sick and tired of being left in the dark. My own doing of course. I went back to my drug of choice and decided it was best to bury myself in work than to think about anything else. Especially this time of the year. Which was why solving Willie's murder had taken a back seat. Until now.

“Fine. Call me if you come across anything useful,” I answered sternly and strolled towards the door. Marissa’s hand stopped me before I could reach the doorknob. I sighed and turned to face her.

“I know it’s hard being alone this time of year. So I decided to throw a Christmas party at my place. The whole family is invited. Yes, even the family members we hate,” she jested with a laugh. I shook my head. I wasn’t sure why she thought this was a good idea, but who was I to stand in the way of my cousin's futile attempts to reunite a broken family after all this time? She needed to learn the hard way. She needed to learn what would happen if the bad seeds in the family all showed up in one place.

Complete fucking chaos.

“I’m not sure I want to be a part of that.”

“Bring a date. Don’t suffer alone,” she suggested with a wink as she hugged me. As we pulled away from each other, I shook my head in disapproval when I saw Luey emerge from Marissa’s bedroom, shirt missing, pants hanging low, and the look of shame on her face as I glared at her.

"I'll be waiting for that call,” I told her, not bothering to say hello to my best friend, who I barely spoke to anymore, since he’s been busy running the streets and shacking up with my fucking cousin again. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be involved in their business again.

“Julian! Wait up!” I heard Luey calling for me as I waited for the elevator to reach my cousin’s floor. I prayed for it to come before he approached me, because I honestly had no energy for the conversation we were about to have. What was going on between him and my cousin had nothing to do with me. I just hope he knew that if he hurt her, he’d be putting our friendship on the line.

“I don’t care. I’m not involved.” I made that clear the second Luey reached me and the elevator doors opened. We both stepped in and the doors closed, leaving us both to drown in uncomfortable silence.

“Any word from Diana?” he asked and if my day couldn’t get any worse, hearing Diana’s name just topped it.

“We broke up. For good this time.” I explained. The surprise and pity on his face didn’t make me feel any better. Diana made it official a week ago when she vehemently told her mother to stop allowing me to drop off groceries or offer her any type of help. I was still going to, despite what she said, but still. I had no idea why Diana was being hostile, but I wasn’t going to dwell on it. Luey was right. Maybe it was time to move on.

“I'd say sorry, but I know you hate that word,” Luey offered his sympathies and I nodded in appreciation. The elevator doors opened and we both exited into the lobby floor, heading towards the front entrance of the building. Marissa lived on One-Thirty-Nine Prospect Avenue, just a block away from the rest of our family members who were scattered about in the area, and just around the corner from where they all witnessed my mother’s life end by the hands of the man who swore to love her until the day she died. And he definitely did.

How my cousin and the rest of my family could live here and not remember her was beyond me.

"Luey?" I called for him, and he turned to face me immediately. I opened my mouth to say something, anything that would get rid of the overwhelming amount of emotion that consumed me whenever I was in the area. But I felt myself rapidly entering a panic attack and did my best to take a few breaths and exhale deeply.

"Here, take this when you go home and sleep it off," Luey recommended, as he pulled out some pills from his back pocket and handed them over to me discretely.

"Luey, I can't-"

"Sleep the pain away, bro. This ain't the first time you've done it. And it's better than the alternative."

"What alternative?"

"Ending up here, like your mother."

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I woke up in panic mode. Sweat dripping down my back and temples as I sat up in bed and tried to regain my composure. Once my heartbeat slowed down to its regular rhythm and my pulse ran normal again, my eyelids closed involuntarily, sleep deprivation catching up to me as I tried to return to my slumber.

The nightmare continued as I pictured myself at the scene of my mother’s murder. Chaos surrounded me. But I was numb to it. The only thing I was focus on was the woman who gave me life. The kind of pain and betrayal, and hopelessness my mother must’ve felt the night she was killed just about broke me in half and I shook it away as I stirred awake again, numbing myself to the kind of mental agony that would no doubt send me on a drinking binge.

I wanted to remember my mother happy, singing old school Spanish blues every Sunday as I beatboxed the beat to them and she hassled me about cleaning my room again. I hoped she knew I woke up almost every Sunday now, at exactly seven-thirty to clean my apartment before work, old school Spanish blues playing in my apartment as I made sure everything was spotless, just like she would want it to be.

Why my mind kept replaying the day she died and every single one of her unhappiest moments, I didn’t know. But it was driving me crazy. I needed to get out of this apartment. And I had the day off. It was three in the morning in the city that never sleeps. Surely there was some place I could go where I could distract myself long enough until I had to go back to work.

“Julian?” Susie sounded confused and groggy when she finally picked up the phone when I called, and understandably so. It was late. I shouldn’t be calling her. But I had no one else. At least one else I wanted to talk to.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you.”

“And yet here we are,” she answered, adding a chuckle after her yawn. “What’s on your mind?”

“My dead mother.” There was really no other way to say it. I just hoped I didn’t freak her out by doing so.

“Ah, well, it just so happens my dead brother was haunting my own dreams tonight. Why don’t you come over? We could bond over our deceased relatives.” Susie’s offer was tempting.

Was it too morbidly inappropriate if I actually felt myself wanting to take her up on her offer? Did I really want to spend another moment in this quiet apartment all by myself going stir crazy?

The answer felt simple. But nothing ever was anymore.

“I’ll be right over.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Susie opened her door in another oversized t-shirt, this time with some graphics detailing a faded painting of an isolated cabin lying in the middle of the woods. The initials at the bottom of the shirt looked familiar and I recognized it because it was the same as the other signatures on some of the other paintings in her apartment. S and L. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Susanna Lopez was the mastermind behind those paintings and a successful one at that if there were t-shirts of her work being made out there.

“When were you planning on telling me you painted professionally?” I wondered out loud as she led me into her apartment after locking her door and taking my coat.

“It’s a hobby,” she claimed, her cheeks burning a bright pink as I began to touch the brush work on of her paintings. They were pretty cool. I wasn’t into the art scene but I could still appreciate the effort behind it.

“Hobby my ass,” I teased, tossing her a knowing grin and she smiled, pride filling her gaze as she joined me and we both began to stare at the painting before us. I had no idea what it was about. All I saw were colors scattered about into weird shapes and faces.

“I minored in Art History in college. I loved it the moment I stepped into that classroom. The smell of the acrylic paint, the textured canvas’, the naked models…” she joked and we both laughed as she offered me a cup of hot chocolate, fully equipped with whipped cream and caramel syrup on top.

“Gotta love those naked models,” I joked as we walked over to her sofa, which was conveniently placed by her ceiling-to-floor loft windows. It overlooked the nice part of Manhattan. The part no one really talks about on the news. I was however glad she'd done so well for herself these past few years. Willie had done everything he could to make sure of it and I hoped he got the chance to tell her how proud he was of her before they took him from her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The city below us was still buzzing with life by the time the morning dew and sunrise came and I realized Susie and I had fallen asleep while watching it. We stayed up talking about everything but the one thing we sought each other’s company for; our dead relatives and how increasingly annoying it had become trying not to spiral this time of the year. Maybe it was enough for now. Maybe it was all we needed.

I’d learned a few things about the woman lying on top of my chest I hadn’t known before. Like how she was now a part time Social Worker while still attending school for her doctorates in Psychology. Which inadvertently turned into why she’s been hanging around Richie. She’d been assigned to his sister, Ivy Rodriguez, who was now in high school and following the same abusive patterns as her big brother. It was all Susie was able to disclose, since her cases were confidential, but in light of our history, she figured she owed me that one.

I’d also learned the nature of the infamous picture Richie had managed to send to me the night of Luey’s birthday party. It’d been an old picture, taken around five years ago that had been saved into Susie’s iCloud drive. She’d gotten wasted that night. So much so, she doesn’t actually remember everything that happened. Just details here and there that belonged to a bigger truth, as she put it.

As to why Luey had known about that picture and why Richie had been in that bathroom with her and failed to tell me about it, she had no answers for that. I’d have to go to the source for it.

The more she talked about her experience during that party, the more I began to think about my own. I remember being high. I remember having a few bottles. I remember being angry at someone. Diana maybe? It was her birthday party after all. It'd been a rocky time for us both. Constant arguing and breaking up and...wait. I remember her crying now. Diana never cried. She prided herself in it. As did I.

What had she been so upset about?....

And why is it that my memory of that damn party is still fucked up even after all this time?

“Julian?” Susie spoke my name as she stirred awake, rubbing her eyes before closing them again. Her panic dissipated the moment she realized I hadn’t skipped out on her, and she wasn’t dreaming. It seemed to calm her down long enough for her body to find comfort against mine again.

“I’m here,” I reassured her quietly as I began to rub the small of her back, the curve of her spine and her hips. Man, it’s been a while since I’ve been this close to a woman. A small ping of guilt prickled at my conscience the moment Diana’s face popped up, but I quickly pushed it away. It was time to move on. I just hoped Susie knew I had no idea where this road might take us and how messy it would inevitably get.

“It’s maddening, isn’t it?,” Susie uttered, as her big brown eyes engaged me while her hands took mine and lifted us both off the sofa.

“What is?” I asked, swallowing hard the moment she pulled me closer to her body, her back leaning against the wall leading to her bedroom. Our faces were barely an inch away from each other, the natural light coming from the windows in her living room was the only reason I could see desire had clouded her usual reserved gaze, melting off any prior hesitation she might've been holding on to.

“Watching your moral compass breaking down slowly into pieces, with just one night of conversation and a kiss,” she added, while her fingers slowly made their way down my chest and looped into my belt.

“I haven’t kissed you yet,” I reminded her, as I tipped up her chin ready to do just that.

“Oh, Julian. There’s so much you don’t remember,” she whispered, not bothering to wait for my response before pulling me in for the kind of kiss that warmed me from the inside out. I couldn’t focus on asking more questions. There were other parts of me screaming for attention and they were adamant on not being ignored any longer.

I picked Susie up, carrying her into her bedroom just a few feet away, and placed her on top of her neatly made bed. Our lips met, and our naked bodies followed as soon as our clothes were off, hands interwoven as I buried myself inside of her. She felt soft, and warm and wet enough for me to pull in and out of her easily, her muscles contracting around me, giving me notice of her pulsating orgasm well on its way. After my lips let go of her own, they made their way down towards her peaked nipples. I suckled on them, pinching them with my lips and teeth, making sure her body was as sensitive as it needed to be for the final act.

Her whimpers became demands, her hands tugging and clawing at my back as I placed her legs around me and plunged deep inside of her while my thumb caressed at her clit. I opened my eyes the moment I heard her gasp out loud and cry out my name, her body quivering from the aftershocks of the orgasm still rocking through her while I pumped inside of her. I rested my forehead against hers and she held onto me, enveloping me in the scent of her arousal as my own orgasm flooded me. I pushed away the words that were dancing at the tip of my tongue, and collapsed beside her instead.

We said nothing as we nestled underneath her satin sheets. And we said nothing else for the rest of the day while we released some more of the sexual tension that had been brewing between us for some time now. Which left time for me to overthink things in between shower and snack breaks.

One thing was for sure, I was absolutely enthralled by Susie. Everything she did, or didn't do was a mystery and it kept me on my feet. And this was a problem. Simply because I knew where that would lead to and I wasn’t ready for it. She deserved better than a guy who had no idea what to do with the rarest of supernovas in the galaxy, sitting in the palm of his hands. As much as I wanted to be a better man for her, I had too much baggage anchoring me to my past to believe I could be what she or anyone else needed.

“How long?” she asked quietly, keeping her gaze at our hands on top of my bare abdomen and while I wasn’t sure if I was ready to ruin this day just yet, I knew this conversation was coming and it needed to be addressed if we were going to be in each other’s lives after today.

“How long what?”

“How long until you decide to leave me too?” My heart grew heavy with guilt at the thought of leaving whatever we’d begun to build together in such a short time. Susie was studying to be a damn shrink and I should’ve seen this coming. She must’ve seen the panic on my face somewhere. I let this get this far. It was my fault. I should’ve known giving into my feelings for her would only end up hurting her. But there was nothing stopping this train-wreck from happening now. She was just as invested as I was at this point.

My feelings for Susanna had been repressed, buried deep inside a graveyard full of secrets that I vowed to take to my grave. As selfish and as it sounds, I needed Diana to be the one so I’d stay away from Susie. The woman scared me to death. And I figured that out the same night I met her. And after spending all this time with her, and being exposed to her addicting presence, it was only a matter of time before our hearts got involved, if they weren’t already.

Was Susanna my finish line? My end game? My forever and always?

My mother thought my father was. And her heart ended up split open in the middle of the sidewalk because of it. I didn’t want that to be our story. Susie and I deserved better than that. Or at least, Susie did.

“You never stopped terrifying me, Susanna Lopez," I confessed, reaching to cup her cheek to make her look at me.

“Julian,” she responded, a smile and sigh of relief following and I couldn’t help but wonder how long she had known about my feelings for her, and how long she had planned to keep it a secret from me if I hadn’t managed to stop by.

“How long?”

“How long what?” she inquired innocently as she climbed on top of me, her legs straddling my naked torso.

“How long have you known we would end up here?” As I waited for her to answer, she placed her cheek against my mine and leaned into it. She smelled like sex and chocolate and I needed to focus if I wanted to hear the answer.

She grew quiet for a moment, taking a breath, then pulled away from me so I could see her beautiful face.

“Since this..." she began as she gestured between our naked bodies, "..almost happened five years ago."