Avenues: Ch. 3

As soon as you drove into East Harlem, also known as Spanish Harlem, you knew you were in a different world. The Puerto Rican culture was strong here. You could feel its rich history ingrained within its streets and its proud residents. The scent of authentic Puerto Rican food flowed out of smaller restaurants like Cuchifritos, and blew throughout the area, making the rest of us realize how long it has been since we've eaten something homemade.

As soon as I smelled the savory scent of juicy roasted pork, the kind my mother and I used to fuss over during Thankgiving and Christmas, my stomach began to rumble. But there were more important things to worry about than my memories, and the holiday traditions I stopped the day mother was taken from me.

I was, however surprised to see Cuchifritos had been completely renovated since the last time I passed by the area and it gave me a bit of nostalgia as Marissa and I stepped out my car right outside of Luey’s place. Things hadn’t changed much around here. There was still garbage littering the streets, cars zooming by and honking without looking at the streetlights or pedestrians walking on the crosswalk, neighbors shouting and cursing at each other with their heads sticking out of windows. Yet, I still felt like something was different. Something was off. Could’ve been due to the minor gentrification starting to happen in the neighborhood. Luey mentioned they had raised the rents of hard working people, just to push them out when they couldn’t pay to make way for the wealthier tax bracket.

The system was rigged against us, he claimed. I couldn't agree more. Perfect example of that would be the NYCHA housing projects created in nineteen thirty-four to help with the housing crisis created by the Great Depression. It was meant to help alleviate the burden of poverty in the city.

I’d just like to know where the hell all that help went when the city decided to abandon its responsibilities to all its properties so much so, that people were forced to live in rat infested moldy apartments, with their young children and still are to this day.

Luey did what he could to help clean up the block, and offered to donate, anonymously of course, as much as he could to clean up all the garbage sitting out in front of the buildings to at least get rid of the rat problem. But there was only so much one guy could do. It would take a village to get this place cleaned up and people were too tired from working two to three jobs just to come home and clean garbage off the street. It was a conundrum of poverty and politics and there wasn't much being done about it.

As Marissa and I entered the foul smelling elevator of Luey’s building on Third Avenue, I was starting to have my doubts about bringing her to this party. My cousin could take care of herself. Her abusive childhood had traumatized her enough to take self-defense classes straight out of highschool. But still. This part of Harlem was unpredictable and anything could happen at any moment.

Luey and I had made plenty of enemies around these parts when we were younger. From fist fighting on street corners, to back alley drug deals gone wrong, Luey and I have pretty much gone through the ringer as far as friendships went. Which was why I knew if anything did happen with Richie and Susie that she didn't ask for, Luey would take care of it in my absence.

“What’d you find on Willie’s phone?” I asked Marissa as we retreated further and further into the elevator while other passengers entered and exited. Luey lived on the top floor. Privacy reasons I assumed. He used to live on the third floor before his grandmother died. I couldn't blame him for not wanting to stay in that apartment. His grandmother had a way of sticking around, looking after her grandson. She had eyes everywhere. Some would call her a guardian angel. Luey would say otherwise. But I just chalked it up to him being paranoid.

“They were using a burner phone so I couldn’t trace the tower. Whoever did this was really thorough, Julian. I’m not sure you should be playing cat and mouse with this person,” Marissa explained in a hushed tone as the last person in the elevator with us left and the doors closed behind them. I sighed with frustration. No one I spoke to who was on the block that night saw anything out of the ordinary. Maybe Susie knew something.

Susie.

The bitter taste of rage returned the second the elevator door opened and we stepped out onto the top floor and walked towards Luey’s apartment. The metal door was still dented and rusted and I wondered why he still hasn’t managed to get it replaced with all the money he was allegedly making.

I shot Luey a text letting him know I was here and to open the door since the music was too loud for me to ring the doorbell. The door opened a minute later and I nodded towards him. His face fell instantly the moment he looked over at my cousin. I didn't have time to deal with their bullshit. I needed to find Susie.

"Where's Susie?" I asked hurriedly as we entered his apartment and I tried not to breathe in the clouds of smoke and the bitter scent of cigarettes, hookah and weed. I couldn't remember why the fuck I used to be into all this shit until I saw Susie shacked up by the fire escape, beer in hand, laughing as some guy began to touch her face. She was fine? She wasn't dying in a pool of her own vomit?

What the fuck?

"She's...cool? What's up, bro? You good?" Luey asked, confusion clouding his face as he took both of our coats and handed them off to someone else.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Where's Richie?" I asked because clearly this was his idea of a funny joke and I needed to show him just how funny his joke was with my fists.

"He went for an ice run. Why?" Luey explained, his tone curious while my cousin sighed in frustration beside me, clearly tired of me dancing around the subject, and decided to show him why exactly we were asking so many questions.

"Fucking dick. I'll handle it," Luey promised as he handed the phone back to my cousin and she quickly snatched the phone away from him and walked away without saying a word.

"You brought her here?" he inquired, daring to look the least bit betrayed by the notion and I gestured towards Susie.

"I could ask you the same."

"She's a grown woman, Julian. She can handle herself."

"Where was that picture taken, Luey and why the fuck didn't you tell me it happened?" I fired back. This stopped being about Susie the second I realized Luey knew about that picture and failed to tell me about it. He was keeping shit from me. We never kept things from each other unless it involved his street hustle. I couldn't imagine Susie being involved in that. Richie was the only common link and the second that asshole stepped foot through that door, he was going to get what was coming to him.

"This ain't the time or place for this, aight? We'll talk later," Luey answered, not bothering to stick around to finish the conversation. He returned to his guests, turned up the volume to his music and grabbed a couple of beers, disappearing into one of his bedrooms.

"Something's going on here." Marissa's statement couldn't have been more true. The people closest to me were hiding secrets and I couldn't even begin to imagine why. Why couldn't they trust me enough with the truth? Did they think I couldn't handle it? Did they think I would spiral out of control again?

I was afraid if the truth didn't show up on my doorstep soon, spiraling out of control would be my only choice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before I could even reach for a beer, Marissa decided it was time to head back to my place an hour into the party and walked off to retrieve our coats. I couldn't smoke or drink. So there goes that. The women at this party weren't too bad to look at, but I wasn't in the mood to spit any game. Diana and I were still on the fence despite what she said. I knew she loved me. I knew I had a hard time saying it to her. I hoped she knew I felt it anyway.

I licked my lips and looked around for Marissa, hoping she wasn't around to see me reach for a beer out of the ice bucket next to the sofa. I needed something to take the edge off. Something to take all my thoughts off Diana, and Willie and my Mom and Susie...

"I was wondering when you were going to break," the slurred words came from behind me and they came from Richie. My fists balled up immediately, my body tensing up, shoulders squaring, gearing up for the fight I'd been waiting for since he sent me that picture earlier tonight.

"Want to see what else I can break?" I retorted and my fist would've hit his face had Susie not pushed me into the wall instead. The music lowered enough to capture everyone's attention and geared it towards us, allowing them to crowd around us like a pack of idiots ready to witness the cockfight.

"Don't," she warned, "he's drunk and he wants to make you look bad. Don't give him that satisfaction," Susie's explanation made sense but it didn't erase the fact that the guy deserved to be punched in the face.

"I heard you like to hit women," Marissa chimed in as she got in his face and laughed, "Got some mommy issues, huh?" she taunted with a grin, and it seemed to work. He practically growled at her, his arms shaking at his sides, everyone's eyes on him. He knew the second he raised his hand to attack anyone, especially a woman, he'd be going back to prison. Richie retreated, sending a threatening look my way before Luey and his entourage escorted him out of the apartment.

"I told you I'd take care of it," Luey reminded Marissa angrily, and she responded with a shrug.

"Not well enough apparently." That was all it took for those two to start exchanging heated words. I was about to intervene when Susie pulled at my hand, stopping me once again.

"Let's go up to the roof." The suggestion came out of the blue. But seeing as my cousin and my best friend were still arguing despite the the volume for the party music going up, I figured I might as well wait this argument out with Susie. I let her lead the way out of the apartment after we grabbed our coats, and followed her through the fire exit leading up to the roof. The crisp winter air was giving us a break tonight. Fifty-eight degrees in December is supposed to be an anomaly just about anywhere except New York. The weather here was unpredictable, just like its people.

The noise emanating throughout the city surrounded us as we stood on the roof top of Luey's building, soaking in the view of Spanish Harlem. There wasn't a community out there like it. Sure it was grungy, angry and misunderstood. But that was pretty much everyone who lived in this city.

"Brown sweater, faded black baggy jeans, worn sneakers and a fresh scar just above your left eyebrow," Susie started the conversation and her words sparked something inside me. I just wasn't exactly sure what it was. I felt as if my mind was trying to remember something. Triggering the recollection of something I'd buried so deep, it was hard for me to dig out. Or maybe I was too afraid to.

"You know what sucks about having a photographic memory, Julian? It's not that you remember everything. That's the beautiful part." she added, as she took a step toward the edge of the building and fearlessly peered down onto the sidewalk. "You don't realize how big or small a part you play in people's lives until you choose to keep secrets from them."

I looked over at Susie, skimming through her face when she turned to look at me. I wished she would just come out and say what she needed to say. And it looked like she really wanted to. But I knew she wouldn't. Whatever secret she was keeping, it wasn't hers to tell.

"Should I bother asking you to tell me whatever it is that you know about that night five years ago?"

"Just know that when you do figure it out, and the right people tell you what really went down, remember that you've also made some mistakes that you're not proud of," she responded as she took my hand in hers, doing her best to provide whatever comfort she could. Whatever she was keeping from me, it must be something huge.

Fuck. Did I really want to know? Did I want to go down that rabbit hole and possibly risk everything I worked so hard for?

No. I didn't. I didn't want to step into the past and find something that would no doubt ruin just about everything I had left in my life. My job, my friends, my relationship, or whatever we were calling it this week, they were all I had left to hold onto. My mother was gone. Willie was gone.

Whatever this secret was, it was going to have to stay buried deep in the crevices of my mind until I was certain I could handle the fallout.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was my last day off work and I was spending it with Susie. Her place on West Ninety-Sixth Street was a newly renovated building from the looks of it. It wasn't until I had to give the concierge my name at the desk that I realize I still didn't know what Susie did for a living. I know her brother mentioned something about her changing majors during college but I couldn't remember to what. Whatever it was, it helped her pave her way into this nice building.

Once the concierge instructed me on which elevator to take, I sent Susie a text letting her know I was on my way up to her apartment. She had asked me to pick her up so we could go over to her brother's place and clean it out so the new tenants could move in. I wasn't sure why she wanted me to go with her but I agreed nonetheless. I was tired of being at home anyway.

As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, I found Susie waiting for me, her back against the doorway of her apartment, wearing nothing but an oversized NYU t-shirt and some fuzzy lime green socks. Her hair looked damp as if she had just finished her shower and I tried really hard not to think about that part as she ushered me into her place.

No mess in sight. The main living area looked straight from a home decor magazine and I wondered if she had done all this herself or if the apartment came furnished. Either way, all the loud colors and edgy paintings definitely screamed Susie.

"Did the nineties vomit in here?" I teased and she laughed in response as she took my coat and placed it over a chair before she reached to hug me. It took me three seconds to figure out the scent she was wearing and that I knew I'd never be able to eat a sugar cookie again without thinking about her before I pulled away.

"Make yourself at home. Let me get dressed and we can be on our way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

City Island was an infamous nautical neighborhood in the Bronx where my mother and I used to frequently go to for special occasions. We used to spend hours just eating and feeding all the birds that used to crowd around our favorite restaurant called Johnny's by the end of the strip. It had a perfect view of the Long Island Sound and I had perfect memories attached to it.

Willie also used to live here. We used to have dinners here after work whenever our schedules permitted. We talked about sports, and the latest crime specials on television. We kept conversations about women light and brief and humorous. I missed him. And missing someone you knew you'd never see again was a tragedy all on its own.

Susie turned the key to his apartment and opened the door, turning on the lights before we entered. The place was just as he had left it. A few pictures of him and Susie hung up on the wall leading to his bedroom. A small pile of dishes had been left in the sink, a coffee mug left out on the counter-top next to a plate of a half eaten, now spoiled, jelly donut. We also shared a proud affinity for jelly donuts.

Everything seemed somber and dreary in this apartment. From the lighting to the boring brown color on the walls. Nothing like Willie at all. He never bothered to make this place his own. Even after living here for years. I never asked him why. It wasn't my place to inquire.

"You'd think the guy would paint the place after living here so long," I attempted to lighten the mood as we began to collect Willie's belongings and placed them into boxes.

"This wasn't his real place. It was just closer to his parolees," Susie explained and it stopped me cold. Willie never mentioned he had any other apartments , much less any other parolees in the area. Not that he should've. That was private information and he could get in trouble for telling anyone outside his office. But still.

"Do you know if he had any other kids he was looking after on my old block?" I asked, knowing it was a long shot but it could help us find out who killed him. Susie seemed to pick up on my theory quickly and dropped whatever she was doing and disappeared into Willie's bedroom. She returned a minute later with Willie's laptop, handing it over to me.

"The cops couldn't get into it. It's encrypted. But I'm pretty sure all of his files are on there," she claimed and I nodded, making a mental note to drop the laptop off at Marissa's before heading home. I knew it was risky getting my cousin involved in this, but I knew she'd kill me if she found out I was doing this without her help anyway. I figured I might as well include her.

We were about done cleaning up Willie's place three hours later. The sun was gone and the night made itself known with its full moon as we finished placing the last of the trash bags out front so the sanitation department could pick it up whenever they arrived. We only had to pull out the mattress and we'd be free to go home for the night.

"Do you think it's weird your brother never dated anyone?" I asked Susie as we sat on the bed, taking a break as we snacked on some chips.

"He was a private person. If he dated anyone, no one would know about it unless he wanted you to," Susie answered, her voice suddenly beginning to shake as she laid her back onto the mattress and I reached to wipe her tears away. She didn't flinch at my touch. She leaned into it. My body felt that pull again. That same one that only activated when I was around her and it took all I had in me not to pull her closer. She wasn't mine to hold and I had to keep reminding myself of that. Otherwise, I'd be crossing a line I knew I couldn't come back from.

"Are you upset because he kept things from you?"

"No," she said, pausing before taking a breath and closing her eyes, "I'm just...angry. Angry at him for bringing me here to this stupid city where I didn't know anyone after our parents died. Angry at him because he spent all this time and energy into saving a community that ultimate did nothing but watch him die. Angry because...." she paused again, turning to face me as another tear ran down her cheek, forcing me to wipe it away with my thumb.

"Because?..." I urged her to continue. It was obvious she wanted to vent and let all of her feelings out. I haven't spoken to Susie like this in a long time and I'd lying if I said I didn't feel relieved to know I wasn't the only one with a burning rage waiting to burst at the seams.

"Because I'm here, with you, because of him, and I know he wouldn't be happy about it and I hate myself for not giving a damn." Susie finished, pursing her lips as if she'd just said something horrific and about to be punished for it.

"It's no surprise your brother thought I'd be a bad influence on you. He was trying to protect you from the person I used to be, Susie," I tried to rationalize her brother's thinking the best I could. But I sensed the issue between them ran deeper than that and I wasn't sure how I played a part in it.

"He had no right! Especially after what he did to y--" she stopped mid-sentence and shook her head, obviously realizing she'd said too much, and pulled away from me, standing up from the bed as she dusted herself off. She was back to full robot mode, hiding behind her cool exterior as we began to pull her dead brother's mattress out of his bedroom.