Are We Still Friends.

Here’s the thing. It isn’t a question of if we are friends or not. It’s whether you are ready to take responsibility and acknowledge what happened. I am and I have accepted what happened and healed. But, the thing is that if you want to be in my life you can’t pretend like nothing happened acting like we are all good. Like you didn’t hurt me and like it was all my fault because it wasn't and I think you know that deep down. It doesn’t work like that. I refuse to let it. I would love to be friends. But, I’m not willing to be friends or let you back into my life in any real sense until this happens. My life is here and my friends are here. I don’t need you. I can’t respect or have someone in my life who has wronged me and hurt me who can’t be mature and self aware enough to see their own faults and not to just disappear when things get hard or uncomfortable or they disagree. I've grown past the time in my life when I would accept that. I want more for myself and I owe it to myself to accept only what I deserve. For me, friendship is far more than that and my loyalty has always been there even when yours faltered.

You don’t just get to be a part of my life or friends with me because you’re lonely now or because now it’s convenient for you. Especially not if you can’t even see how what happened wasn’t okay. And you can’t even tell the difference in how I act towards you now versus before. The thing is I have offered you a second chance and do not just never completely want you in my life again but not without you being able to understand what happened, what was wrong about it, and apologizing on your own; meaning it. Because without that you will never realize what was wrong with the behavior and it'll happen again and again whether you mean to or not.

I won't be a product of that cycle of behavior that hasn't stopped.

I would like you to be able to be my friend and in my life but I also know what I deserve, what I won’t tolerate, stand for, and the kind of friends I want in my life. I thought you were once that kind but I haven’t seen a glimpse of the person that I thought I knew since you thought ghosting was a solution.

And now you want to be friends because it's convenient and it serves you, but where were you when I was left in silence with so much left to say.

I gave you space. Time. Waited for a while. Hung on to some hope. Slowly just let go. Accepting that you never wanted what you said you did or maybe didn't know how to truly give that when I meant every word I said. I wasn't just going to forget about you. Act like you didn't exist. Leave you with no opportunity to make things right. Without a word. It was never that I didn't care or that it was easy. If you read that blog, you'd understand that.

The only reason that I haven’t just treated you like you’re disposable and are even somewhat acknowledging your texts now is because I want to believe that somewhere inside of you that you know what you did was wrong and a part of me wishes you would acknowledge that and that I wasn’t completely wrong in thinking I knew who you were and that you’re a good person. That maybe you did mean some of the words that you said before like how you would never leave me no matter what. That if we were ever mad at each other we would talk and work it out.

My time is valuable and the people I let into my life I give my love, care, and loyalty. And that actually means something to me. You abused that. The little bit of attention you’ve gotten is a chance, an opportunity for you to make things right if you really want to. If you’re capable of doing that. But, it won’t last forever. I won’t keep trying to allow someone in my life who isn’t capable of being what I am as a friend to others let alone acknowledge things that happen in a mature way and communicate out of respect, not run away from their problems. Ruining things that could potentially be beautiful simply because being uncomfortable for a second isn't worth it to them. Who isn’t capable of trying to come back into my life because they think for some reason it’s not a privilege and they’re entitled to a spot in it.

I’m not just going to let you pretend like everything is okay. Be a part of my life like we are all good. I tried a little and you didn’t even seem to notice so I’m done. You can’t guilt me. You can’t really make me feel bad because I know I’m not in the wrong and are already giving you more than most people would in even giving you the opportunity to try to make things right and talk to me. Giving you the privilege of even hearing you out if you wanted to talk. The issue is you aren’t even thinking to address it. You don’t even realize what I’ve given you. You don't have any power over me in thinking that I'll do anything to have you back in my life. I've already learned my lesson in life in one sided relationships and in effortlessly trying, begging for people who don't reciprocate.

The ball is in your court. But all of this has made me question it all. Your intentions. Your loyalty. Your maturity. Your actions. And “your friendship.” I don’t ask a lot. To those I care about and love I give so much. But, I don’t have any time or tolerance for people who can’t respect my time and me as I respect them and theirs. Those who can't take responsibility for their part in things both good and bad.

It's never been about making you feel bad, revenge, or getting even. It's about seeing how much you actually care about the friendship. If you can swallow your ego for a minute and value the friendship more. If you can accept responsibility for you part in it and handle it like an adult. If you can be the kind of friend that I thought you were. This is way deeper than the immature, surface level ways of coping from being hurt and handling problems. I'm not that person.

You won’t move forward in the position you currently hold at the bottom in my life without being able to properly acknowledge and try to make right what happened. Simple as that. You will stay there. You don’t get to come in and out of my life when it’s convenient for you and only when things are good. That’s not real friendship; I don’t want that. I love my life and the friends that I have in it. I don’t need you so if you really want to be friends or want to be in my life it’s not ever going to be my move anymore. I’m done trying. I refuse to be the only one trying and to let you think you can just pretend like nothing happened and not be held responsible or ignore it. If you thought you would be able to, you’re wrong. Because I’m not desperate. I don’t need you even if I’d like to have you in my life. I know what I deserve and I know what I want. I won't sacrifice that for anyone. I know that’s not wrong either. It might suck a little and be hard just because of thinking of what we had but that was before you were actually put to the test of dealing with something hard, something that challenged you to be there or to run away. And you ran. So I’ll keep the memories, but not be naive to the reality of now.

I refuse to put up with the immaturity of the ways that you are acting and going about this. I thought you were better than this. I know that I am. I don’t have time or energy nor do I wish to entertain.

I never stopped being friends. That was not my choice. What we are now, is not friends. Not real friends. Acquaintances. Friends is a title that is earned in my life. Not what we once were that you left when you decided to leave me, dispose of me in your life like I was nothing. Dealing with shit and being confused and uncomfortable doesn’t mean just disappearing completely from someone who you claimed to care so much about’s life without any explanation. I would have never done that. I’m confident about that. You stopped being friends. Now you want to be again. But, you’re just a little late to when I actually still did care and try. So now sweetie that’s all on you and well if you want it, you’re going to have to really try and earn that back. I’ve stopped caring, stopped trying. And that’s a very hard spot to try to come out of especially when it used to be the very opposite. When I was more than willing to meet you half way or even more. You lost that now and I’ve been done waiting for quite some time now. You stopped being friends, not me.

Until you figure that out and fix that in your interpretation of what happened we can’t ever be what you think that we are now.

I forgive and am willing to hear you out even offering a spot back into my life and my heart. Never what you once had and never expecting the same from you. But, I’m open and willing and will have so much more respect for you than if you keep trying to act like something is real and alive when you can’t see or feel any remorse let alone take any responsibility for the scars that were caused by your actions. I don’t hold any anger or bad feelings towards you. I just can’t move forward or allow someone back when they can’t take responsibility in acknowledgement and understand why it wasn’t okay. I’m not the person that you can just pretend like nothing happened with.

I won’t allow that or let you get away with that. And I know if roles were reversed you would probably feel the same way. I don’t play games with people especially those that matter to me in my life and that’s all that you seem to want to do. Just know that I win every time by refusing to play. Because the people who deserve to be in my life and truly want to be won’t ever make me question that or play any game. They value their friendship with me and in my life through the sunshine and through the thunderstorms. Those are the kind of friendships I want to cultivate. Two sided friendships built on respect, loyalty, dependability and maturity. That challenges or disagreement will only strengthen.

You had a chance and you missed it. I cared and now I don’t. I tried, now I’m done. Disappointed in you but not mad at you. You think I need you but I don’t. No hard feelings but you wasted something that could’ve been a beautiful friendship because of your inability to communicate and be mature enough not to run and hide. And that's not on me.

Now I’m just indifferent towards you. And if you know anything about me, that’s worse than me being angry or anything else could feel. Especially when you used to mean something to me.

The fact that you think that you can just pick up where you left off and I’ll treat you the same and our “friendship” will be the same absolutely astonishes me. To think that someone could hurt someone else and then act like nothing happened and expect everything to be the same is something I’ll never be able to understand because it’s not something I’m capable of doing. Things don’t work like that. At least not in the real world. In lasting relationships, platonic or not. To think that you’re going to get what you want and have a friendship with me only on your terms...well, that’s something you can keep dreaming about because it will never happen. You think you have control or that you can make me feel ways you want to or try to blame this one me but I’m really the one in control.

It was my choice to give you another chance. To still try. To still fight for the good I thought I saw in you. To be willing to let you back into my life. To allow you to try to make amends. To still care. But, now that’s gone and along with it any fight that I once had in thinking you were worth it, worth having in my life. I take that choice away, removing my effort, and care in accordance taking back all of my power.

People don’t wait for you forever in life. They won’t stick around until you decide you want them again.

I want to be real with you. But, I also want you to be real with me and that means not pretending like everything is normal and you did nothing wrong. I can tell you how you made me feel and that you let this fall apart more than I ever did but I can’t pretend like I want this or that you didn’t hurt me. Because I refuse to let it happen again. I’m open to being friends again but truthfully, I don’t know how to tell you to fix that. I can’t. Because that’s something that you need to figure out and find on your own, if you truly want to make things right. And you understanding that saying sorry doesn’t mean we are friends again.

Saying sorry would mean we can start working toward becoming friends again but that’s something you have to earn back. Please understand that if you do want back in my life I don’t want people who just come and go from the friendship when it’s convenient for them. That's not real friendship.

Being willing to forgive you and even give you another chance is a luxury that it seems like you are unable to afford because you’ve completely ignored it and now wasted it. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting but it also means that an apology and acknowledgement occurs somewhere in that.

All this time you’ve had, every moment I’ve lost more and more respect for you as you let more and more time pass without saying a word about what you did.

I’m not disposable and neither are the people I consider my friends, at least not to me.

I know my worth. I know my value. I know what I stand for. I know what matters to me. What I want in my life and what I don’t. I deserve more than you are able to offer me and I’m aware of that. I gave you the opportunity to show me I was wrong and you haven’t. I don’t question my character. I never had in all of this. I questioned yours and you have answered with your silence, minimal words, and inaction. I’m going to do what’s best for me and my life and that isn’t you as much as I may wish it were. But, that isn’t for me to change and for me to keep hoping for, waiting for. It doesn’t mean it can’t ever be, but not now.

You have a lot to learn about yourself and about life and awareness to gain before you can be the kind of person that I want in my life again because you can even think about being deserving of my friendship again. My friendship has never been in question. I know I’m an incredible friend. I wasn’t the one that left, that hid; that ran.

I’m going to move on with my life. I’m going to protect myself. Surround myself with people who are good for me and healthy. People who help elevate. People who are mature enough to communicate and respect each other. Care about relationships enough to take responsibility and not give into their own insecurities or self pity. People who I’m able to help grow as they are for me. People who actually want to be in my life. And are there for me when I really need them. The kind of friends that are dependable, true friends.

The problem is this whole time all you’ve been worried about is yourself. How it all has affected you. And that’s why we can’t be friends. This has never been all about you but you can’t see that. If you could, we wouldn’t be here now. Maybe we would actually be friends.

So this is for me. Not because it’s easy but because it’s necessary. I love myself enough to not put myself at risk of getting hurt again by someone who doesn’t even realize what their actions do and the cycles they’re stuck in. I have no room in my life for friends who don’t try for me like I try for them. Friends who only think about themselves. I’ve outgrown that. I’m aware enough to stop myself from making mistakes my past self would have and can clearly see why you’ve done all the things you have and what you’re trying to do. Where you went wrong though was thinking they would work on me even if you didn’t realize on a conscious level what you were trying to do. I did. I refuse to entertain insecurities and selfishness that can’t see past itself for even a moment.

You have so much growing to do and maturity to learn especially emotionally and about yourself. Until you learn that you’re incapable of being the kind of person that I want in my life and incapable of realizing the truth in what happened and your responsibility in it because you’re blinded from it.

You won’t get what you want with me. You won’t walk over me. You won’t make me feel what you want me to feel. No anger. No guilt. No blow up. No fight. No rise. No intimidation. And you won’t get to place all the blame you feel on me. Because I know it’s not mine to bear. I won’t be hurt or phased by the games you play or cower to your attempts at making me feel things by trying to very obviously trying to manipulate my feelings and make yourself look like a victim. Making this all about you. I won’t fall. I won’t waiver. I won’t quiver. You don’t scare me. Nothing you do could. Because I know it has so much more to do with you than me. I can see them for what they are. I’m confident in who I am. I’m not scared of losing you because that happened a while ago. You can’t trick me or force me into doing or wanting anything I don't want myself. I’ve spent a lot of time growing my emotional intelligence and understanding and in that have been able to emotionally mature in ways that you haven’t experienced yet. I hope this is a learning experience for you. I hope you grow. I just won’t further be affected and part of the process becoming a casualty along the way.

I’m separating myself, detaching from the emotions involved in this and prioritize my head rather than my heart allowing me to do what needs to be done.

You’ll learn these things. Like how you can’t just hurt people and treat them like they’re everything and then just disappear on them. Never acknowledging or apologizing about what happened, never saying a word and expecting everything to be okay and the same as before. It’s not mine to teach you and I understand that. You will learn though, hopefully sooner rather than later in your own time and experiences. When you do, you’ll learn responsibility for your emotions and actions and what belongs to you and what does not. Sorting out what truly belongs to you that you might project onto others versus what actually is others responsibility. It’s a long, hard lesson that a lot has to happen before you even begin to full understand and are ready to accept and execute within yourself and your life but once that awareness occurs everything will be different, will improve.

"You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we're ready to see it."

-Ted Mosby

Awareness can be terrifying but once you embrace it, it’s one of the most beautiful revelations and blessings we are given in life. But only if we want it. A major shift in perspective and the way we live and interact with others. The places that things come from change because you stop acting out of pain, fear, and insecurities. You stop placing things that don't belong to others on them. You become more aware of why you are doing things. You do things because you want to and out of love for yourself, for others, and for life. You’re not there yet, not ready to see things that you need to and that’s okay. When you are, you will and in that moment it will be the right time for you to see it because you’ll truly be ready to.

This is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. Especially when we don't want to look it straight in the eyes. I promised to always be real with you. This is as real as I can be. You can choose to think about this and come to terms with things or you can choose to ignore it and still think that what you've been doing is right. Either way it's up to you. But, this is where I stand. I know it might be hard to hear and you might not be ready to hear all this yet. But at least you know and I didn't just leave you in the dark.

I always wanted to have this conversation with you, but it never seemed like you wanted to with me and that hurt the part of me that was still holding onto an ounce of hope.

The fact that all this time has passed and you still haven’t said anything proves my theory of you only finally reaching out cause I was the only person you knew here and you didn’t want to be lonely and you needed something from me. Which I had already figured cause I’m not naive but still wanted to give you a chance to say something. Just know I’m not here to fill anyone’s loneliness or void. You thought I was replaceable once and it’s not my job to show you how irreplaceable I actually am. It’s your loss and it’s not for me to prove to you. It’ll just be a little too late when you realize.

Are we still friends. It's not a question mark for a reason.

It was never a question in my mind. The real question should be why it is in yours.

I have a huge heart and so much to give to the people who I allow to see it, to touch it. That means protecting it from unnecessary future pain from people who don't know how to properly care about it as if it were their own. I’m drawing the line. Creating a firm boundary that I don’t think you know how to get past. I’ll bow out gracefully without any noise. I respect myself enough to leave something that isn’t good for me, that is likely to only hurting me if I stay and play.

"You are a grown ass adult now. You're responsible for your emotional intelligence at this point. It's no longer about who hurt you or who made you this way. It's about what you can do to fix your problem. Playing the blame game will leave you ugly and stagnant. Sorry not sorry."

You don't always get what you want in life. Especially when you treat people like they are replaceable and only convenient. You can't keep the good ones without in return being a good one back. The kinds of people that will help you grow and become a better version of yourself. The friends who will be healthy for you are the mature ones. The ones that know what they deserve. Who have awareness, treat others with respect, communicate with respect, and know the value of the relationships they hold with others and wouldn't sacrifice that for anything. You won't get the kinds of friends you want by the ways that you act now. You won't attract them or at least won't be able to keep them. You won't get me.

What you will get from me is indifference. For you and for me.

Photo cred. Jonathan Zoeteman & Eden Von Weiss