The Words My Silence Wishes It Could Say
If you think my silence means I'm okay, you're wrong.
You were the first person who’s come into my life in a very long time that I thought would actually stay.
“You stole pieces of me in all the love I have you and never got back. Keep it now, it is my gift to you for you will not get anymore - and that, my love is my gift to me.”
Please don’t mistake my silence for me being okay. For me not caring. For me wanting to be silent. For me not wanting you in my life. Because everyday we don’t talk and you seem perfectly okay with that. Every day my heart breaks just a little more.
I’ve wanted to reach out more than you know. Text you. Call you. Needed you. Share a funny post on insta. Talk to my best friend. Just see your face or name pop up on my phone. Missing how we used to be.
"her emotions are the loudest when she's silent."
But, I’m trying to give you what you seem to want. Space. Time. Me absent.
It's hard. It breaks me, hurts me to do that but I will respect it. Even if I don’t think it’s right. Even if I don't think it's fair. Even if I wish you would talk to me. That we’d be the same again.
That I'd have my best friend back.
"It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life, that you've grieved and it's over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again."
I just want you to know that I am not going to act like I'm okay. Like this hasn't affected me at all. Like I don't care. Like I'm okay with this, happy. Because if that's what you think, you're so terribly wrong.
A part of me knowing that you’re probably hurt to. By something that I never intended for. By assumptions that have been made. And a part of me hurts too.
I know your heart and that if there was any ounce of you that truly cared about me and our friendship that this hasn't been easy for you either.
I’ll be okay. It just sucks. Knowing it doesn’t have to be this way. Knowing what we were. Not wanting it this way. Wanting you in my life.
Don’t mistake my silence for you being right and me being wrong or vice versa. Or that it means what you interpreted happened as what it actually was. What it meant. What the intention was.
This is about respect and about space.
What you don’t realize is that you making some excuse instead of telling me the truth and being real with me hurts more than anything you could have said. Lying to me. Acting like everything was okay one moment and the next I knew you were gone.
Not making me mad, just sad. Disappointed a little, hurt.
What you don’t realize is that when I decided to let you see the real and complete me, before I decided to trust you and to be your best friend. I made the decision to allow you to hurt me. I actually let myself believe you. Think you would actually stay unlike everyone else who has ever promised that to me. That we would be unbreakable. And that above all else your loyalty would match mine. And I guess now I see that I was wrong.
And that was the first time in a very long time I’ve trusted, given a chance to someone, allowed myself to believe they were actually gonna stay. And again, just left. Like I meant nothing. Like our friendship was meaningless. Like you never really meant the things you said when push came to show.
Like you never really wanted the place that I gave you in my heart...
I don’t let people get close like I let you. I don’t trust people like I did you. I don’t let myself believe them. I don’t expect them to actually stay. I rarely hold any expectations for anyone, but I did for you. I thought that for once, I could. I thought I knew you. And again, I was let down. I was wrong.
My love. My loyalty. My care. My word. My promises. My heart. Are not things that I hand out generously or even somewhat regularly.
The difference with me is that when I say I will always be there for you and want to be part of your life forever. I really mean that. With my whole heart. Anything we go through. I will ride the highs and I will ride the lows with you. I will be there with you through your greatest smiles and achievements as well as helping you hold yourself together when you’re shattered to pieces in tears on the ground. Because it’s not me to just throw something away and to treat someone who I cared about and loved as a person like nothing, throwing them away like garbage. To just give up on them. Especially someone I said I wanted to be there for their future. But I guess the value I held for you and our friendship was never as light as the one you held for us.
I’m that person. That friend. And I thought you were too.
The part that hurts the most of this is that you won’t even talk to me. That you’re okay just letting our friendship dissipate in the wind. Ghosting me like we never knew each other. Like we never meant anything to each other.
Knowing that I was there and that if you asked, I would have met you without thinking twice.
The truth is. I miss you. I think about you. Every time I want to share a song with you. A post on Instagram. Show you something about my day. See your contact still pop up as one of the first few suggestions to send things to. A part of that saddening me. Thinking about how we used to talk and know about each other’s lives. And wondering how you are.
"The scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget you."
Wanting to talk to you. But, also trying to give you the space and time that you so obviously want. Wondering if even a part of you still cares.
A part of me just wanting to know. How you thought I would react if you talked to me. What stopped you. And if there’s an ounce of you that even wants to be friends anymore. Because the only reason I’m still allowing myself to care and to write this is because I don’t want to live without you in my life. But I will. I will move on and leave you alone like we are strangers if that’s what you want. But, there’s a part of me that isn’t ready to abandon you quite yet, to give up on our friendship. To think that it was only meant to only a short one.
A part of me that wants to wait, but also a part of me that knows that I can’t.
Because every moment I wait. Every moment I hope. Every time I remember. Your silence is even more deafening. And my heart doesn’t deserve that. I won’t keep hurting myself and sticking around for someone who can’t even give me the decency of talking to me. No matter how much I still care. Who can just throw me away like that. Who obviously never really wanted this as much as me, only when it was good and rainbows.
I want and need people who are the same whether we are standing in the sunshine or standing in a thunderstorm.
I get that maybe this is how you deal with things, this is how you are dealing with this. But, I guess a part of me just hoped that you would talk to me if something was really wrong or if you were mad at me like you said you would. That we were both better than where we are at now. That we both knew we deserved more. That you would be able to address it with me and me with you and we would work it out.
That a moment of being uncomfortable was well worth our friendship because at the end of that day that’s what I thought mattered to us both.
I’m sorry that I did something that made you feel uncomfortable. But, just know that was never my intention. And don’t ignore your responsibility in this. I never in a million years would have even had the thought if you hadn’t reaffirmed it. If you didn’t seem like a part of you wanted it. But, yes I do understand that some people say one thing and then when it actually comes to life they don’t really want it. Just know that all the assumptions and conclusions, all the things you are thinking are probably misunderstood and misinterpreted. And it’s been unfair that you haven’t given me the chance to explain, to talk to you. For us to be on the same page instead of you taking that away from me, jumping to conclusions, and in the process taking away our friendship.
If you ever think that I would intentionally risk ruining an incredible connection and friendship because of something I feel in the moment, you’re wrong. You know my past, my pain. How I’ve been burned before. Promised not to do it. And here we are.
I think you may have forgotten how you had inferred more and I have said I wouldn’t go there. Because I wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. It does not matter how drunk or under the influence of whatever I might be, I would not to that. Even if you had tried me. And the fact that you think I would especially when I had very much reason to suspect otherwise that was what you wanted, saddens me. It’s very unfair for you to act like you were completely innocent in this situation. If I had known that you didn’t actually mean what you said things would have been very different. I suppose we would still be normal right now and probably Facetiming or talking on the phone. Carrying on some meaningless conversation while you're at work.
You need to know that friendship isn’t something I take lightly. Especially those who I consider close friends or best friends. And our friendship meant the world to me. That is the single reason why I am even still thinking about this.
I just want you to know that I won’t keep trying. I want our friendship but I refuse to be the only one that wants it. I still care about you and hope that you’re okay. I still would love to have you in my life and have you as a friend. But, I need you to know that this hurt. Because you did something to me that I never would have done to you. I can a hundred percent say that. And as much as I want this or hope that maybe some day you’ll feel like reaching out again I can’t keep waiting and hoping. If you ever want to talk and decide that maybe you want to be friends again, I will be here. Open to talking, but also not forgetting what happened.
I just wish you had communicated with me the things you felt. Not acted like everything was okay. Like you were okay. Like we were okay. And then all of the sudden disappeared. Like you never wanted anything to do with me anymore, without a word.
And in the silence you left me, my world was falling apart. The one person that I wanted to tell, that I wanted to be there for me. I couldn’t talk to. You don’t know but the timing of it all left me in one of the most anxiety filled, emotional highs that I have felt in a very long time. And the truth is, I really needed you. But, I knew that I couldn’t reach out. That you couldn’t be what I needed unfortunately. And that sucked. I’m not mad nor do I blame you for not being able to be there during this for me. You were going through a lot of other feelings and emotions. I just want you to know that I wish I had you then and that for the first time in our friendship that I really needed you then. I literally had to go away and escape to be okay. To try to calm myself down. To try to pull myself out of it.
“and you let me go when I needed you to hold on.”
I only wish you could see how much you matter to me and how much I genuinely never intended to make you feel as you’ve felt. How much I care. I know it wouldn’t be easy and I know I’d probably cry. But, I’d still want it. We both deserve that.
“Alot of conversations need to be had in person. Tones need to be heard, facial expressions need to be seen.”
I don’t know if you’ve been thinking about me at all. Wondering how I am. Wondering if I’m okay. Wondering if I’ve been missing you. Wondering if I don’t care. Trust what you know about me. The parts of my heart I have shown you. And know that I care tremendously and think about this a lot whether I want to or not. And that I’ve felt a lot of pain in all of this. Trying to come to terms that our friendship might be over and that you don’t want this anymore. That no matter what you made me feel like to you before that now I’m nothing to you. That hurts and makes me sad. Wishing things were different. But, this is our reality. And no matter how much pain I’ve felt, I’m bigger and better than it. At the end of the day though, I’m still very much human.
You of all people should know how tough I may like to look, but how gentle and sensitive my heart really is. How big it is not matter how small it may seem at first.
I don’t know what you want. If you want me to reach out. If you want me to give you space. Give you time. Not say anything. Say something. And that sense of limbo is what hurts as well, not knowing. So the ball is in your court.
There is nothing that you could do that would not make me want to be your friend. But, I am also not going to keep trying to keep a one sided friendship alive. I will not harass you. I will not call you. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, quite the contrary. I just have to love myself enough to not put myself through that. I just want you to know that no matter what you might do, to me or others. How uncomfortable you might make me feel. What we might fight about or disagree on. What you might do that I might not approve of or even if I felt disappointed. Bad choices we make.
I would not leave you in the dark. I would not lie to you. I would not leave you and make you feel like you meant nothing to me. Because to me friendship means so much more. Friendship’s true colors are shown in the darkest moments of them. The ones that really test them. The ones where you either get closer or fall apart.
"I have always been drawn to people at their lowest, at their darkest time. I think maybe because it's my greatest fear, and that part of me hopes, if I should fall to my lowest, I will find myself, with an outstretched hand, forgiving me, and helping me stand."
We may have only known each other for a few months, but in those few months it felt like I had known you my whole life. And I thought we had grown to know each other. And in that I gave you a piece of my heart and the ability to hurt me in that. I don't regret it, I just hope that maybe this isn't the end to our memories together.
People come into our lives often for reasons we don't know until a long time after. Some to help us. Some for us to help. Some to teach us. Some to love us. All for different reasons. And the thing about people is we never have any control over the things they do and when they choose to come and go. That amount of time is never something that is much of a measurement of what they meant to you, the connection is. And learning to live in the moment and appreciate people when they are in my life and not taking anything for granted is still something I'm trying to embrace. Challenging me all over again every time I start to think someone won't leave.
"That's the whole point of life. We don't get to erase it. We don't get to forget about it. We have to carry it with us. And no matter how hard it may seem, we must and we will. Because carrying broken pieces with us doesn't make us weak in the long run. It makes us stronger, wiser, and independent. It warns us from what we must stay away from. It gives us a sense of security and realisation that we are able to move on. We will be content, and we will get on with it."
I don’t care about many people or things. But, the ones I do allow myself to care about I give them my all. I let them into my heart. I trust them hoping they won’t hurt me. And if they do, it hurts a thousand times worse. That’s why this has been so hard for me to just let go, just forget. What we had and who you are, they are not just things that I would easily want to forget. Let alone let go of something I never wanted to have to let go of, someone.
But, at least I know that I really did care about you. Or else this wouldn't be so hard.
"If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone or something, that's okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes ends. And no one likes pain. But sometimes we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our wellbeing. Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into your life is meant to stay."
There will always be a part of me that no matter how many times the people that I love and care about leave me, that I will never really want to leave them. It will take all of my being to walk away. To let them go.
And maybe I'm one sided in all of this that I'm feeling. All the I'm saying. But, I just needed to say it. Even if you never read this. Because as much as I don't want to care, I do. And as much as I want to just let go, it's not that simple.
"It's complicated because I care and don't care at the same time."
I'm appreciate of the memories that we've had and the time that we've know each other. I don't regret a single second of it. I want you to be happy as well as I want myself to be. And if I'm not a part of that anymore, I will understand.
"It will make sense one day. Why some things happen and why others don't. You've probably been hurt more than you deserve. But the hurt is worth staying alive for. Because you'll live to see the day that shows you all things pass."
I'm sure we both never expected to be where we are now. Never planned to not be talking right now. Never expected this to happen or meant to let the other down, hurt the other. But, all we can do is acknowledge it and work past it. Together or apart. Possibly even both.
I understand that not everyone I care about or trust will stay and be loyal. That not everyone will reciprocate what they claim to be able to or what I expect when it comes down to it. That people change. That things happen. And I'm trying to learn how to accept that. How to live and allow them to come and go. Knowing that I shouldn't regret nor can I change anything that happened.
Nothing lasts forever except for the memories that we make that live within us.
From day one, I promised to be real with you. Even if it's not what you want to hear. And this is me being real with you. One hundred fucking percent.
"Not everyone deals with their emotions the same way. We all have our own coping mechanism. We all have days when we can cope, and days when we can't. We drop, we rise. We hold on, we let go. But what's important is that we make the right choices. We do what is best for us and what is right for us. It's your life, your choices, your rights."
I have no hard feelings toward you. I still think you are an incredible person. I’m not mad. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want either of us end on bad terms. We all cope different ways. Know that I would never be mad at you for doing what's best for you. And that just because it isn't right now, doesn't mean it won't be right forever. All I've wanted to do was talk to you. Because I think a lot of things that you've assumed and thought aren't what they really are. I don't know what the future will hold for either of us. Just know, if you were to reach out, I would reply. And if we were to meet again, I would smile and hug you.
Because when I tell someone that I love them, it's not a conditional thing and my unyielding loyalty comes with that. Through all the good and all the bad. Whether it be a friendship or more. My love is my loyalty and I promise that to very few.
"Some connections require space to survive. Some need to die in order to be reborn. Some connections need to be release for you to breathe."
But, in this time when all you need is time. I have to make peace with this and let you go. Trusting in whatever will be. No longer waiting for someone who may not come back.
I want to care, but I have to care about myself more that mean not holding on for someone who doesn't seem to care.
I’m trying to make peace with the fact that the things we might want don’t always work out and that choice isn’t always ours. And learning to be okay and accept that is an extremely hard thing for me.
That no matter how much my heart wanted to believe that you would be permanent that the people who come into our lives are full of impermanence.
Just know that I by no means want to end in bad terms or to burn any bridges with anyone, ever. Let alone the people that I had welcomed into my heart at one point in time.
This silence was never silence I wanted or would’ve chosen. I care and there probably will always be a part of me that does in truth.
I would never want to lose you.
And that's the realest I can be with you. Just like I always promised to be.
In this silence, there’s so much I wish I could say. Words that I wish I could say with my silence, absence.
"You let me pass by, so I had to let you pass by too."