Another Year of Narrowly Escaping Societal Collapse

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

— Oprah Winfrey

Don’t worry though, we’re almost there.

But let’s try to keep things light and not so existentially horrifying and discuss things that we begrudgingly endured throughout 2022 but are choosing to cut off like a toxic relative in the New Year. And then we’ll finish on a positive note with some things that we can only hope will pick up traction in 2023.

Out:

Walking anywhere: We’ll all be too busy gliding around on our personal hoverboards to bother with walking. Who needs to put in all that effort when you can just hover from place to place? And to those who ask, ‘‘ Won’t our muscles start to atrophy?’’, I say we’ll cross that bridge once we get to it.

Doing our own grocery shopping: The list of things that you have to do just to not starve is entirely too much.

I. Wake up

II. Fight the urge to just wear the zebra print onesie you slept in and get dressed in something socially appropriate that won’t have you neighbors ordering a welfare check on you

III. Figure out if you want to be an adult that day and get food that will benefit your overall well-being or just stock up on junk food for your Netflix binges

IV. Debate with yourself about whether or not you should just order your groceries since human contact repulses you but you’ve already ordered in everyday for the past month so you should probably go outside and touch grass at some point.

EX…HAUS…TING

Who has time for that when we can just let robots handle it for us?

Struggling with language barriers: If you haven’t heard of Elon Musk’s Neuralink, you should definitely give that a google. However, if you’re someone who’s paranoid about the potential of an AI dystopian future then I would avoid it. With universal translators embedded into our grey matter, we’ll be able to communicate with anyone in any language with ease. You’ll always know when someone is talking smack about you. Ignorance is bliss? I don’t want bliss. I want as many opportunities as possible to choose violence throughout my day.

In:

Self-driving cars that can also fold up and transform into planes: Finally, a way to avoid traffic and make a dramatic entrance to the airport at the same time! The film-makers from the 50s expected so much from us. Every year that we don’t have automated flying cars is a disappointing blemish on the history of human achievements. Chop chop, Elon!

Floating cities: Imagine never having to worry about earthquakes or rising sea levels — just float away to safety! You’ll be able to completely ignore all those annoying climate change activists and stop feeling guilty when you see those commercials of sad polar bears floating on a lonely, much-too-small piece of ice since the rest of his habitat melted since you can’t handle not having your air-conditioning at a constant 53 degrees. Hooray, you’ve finally found a solution that doesn’t involve having to be accountable or change your behaviors. Winning!

Virtual reality theme parks: No more waiting in line for the best rides or being price-gauged for ‘‘fast passes’’ — just strap on a VR headset and you’re good to go! Let’s continue the trend of self-isolation and disconnect from our own humanity.

Holographic phone calls: Once again, what a disgrace that we don’t have this technology world-wide yet. The creator of the Jetsons is rolling over in his grave. Pause the cancer research! This is of the utmost importance and should take priority.

So, thoughts? Is anything resonating with you?

Of course, this list isn’t exhaustive so please feel free to add to it.

-B-