An Unique Experience

Yesterday I went to a tantric speed dating event. A good friend of mine roped me into this because he is recently joining the dating world and claimed to be seeking moral support. In truth, he thought my reaction to such an event would be hilarious and if he brought a friend then he would save $15+ off the initial ticket price.

It comes as a surprise to no one who knows me well that I am about the furthest thing possible from a spiritual person. I've never once felt that 'deep connection to something greater than myself' that people like to talk about, but I'm always down to enjoy myself no matter what. And so, after two weeks of stress induced insomnia leading up to this event, it finally happened.

Having been trapped into attending by that most hated (this is a joke) of devilry, good friendship, I shaved, dressed well, and made my way to the yoga studio. For anyone who doesn't know, Tantra is a type of yoga practice originating in India a few thousand years ago. It focuses on mindfulness, presence in the moment, and connection to the people around you.

My eyes were fairly rolling out of their sockets at this description; but then, they do that whenever people start trying to convince me of something spiritual, but I was determined to have an open mind. Having had minimal success in the dating sphere, won't go into it but it has never been fun before, I thought that this would at least be a nice way to get out of the house. And, I was right. The entertainment value was considerable.

Beginning at the beginning, we arrived at the studio and waited awkwardly in the main lobby. Luckily I had my friend with me, so the interval of waiting was as painless as it could be. I don't know how the the solo attendees managed it, but I envy their strength.

Our instructor, once a critical mass of people were waiting, then gave us our icebreaker instructions. And the personal amusement began almost immediately. Picking out a participant, she handed over a question card and demonstrated her icebreaker, which was to give an honest, soulful answer to the question on the card.

Respecting people's privacy is important to me, so I won't go into details, but immediately upon hearing her answer, a young lady said, "nope I'm out," and promptly departed. Her friend, more reluctantly, followed closely on her heels. Most young men in my position would have thought with some displeasure about the decreased male to female ratio, but the thought in my head was "that's permission to leave!"

Sadly, I had already paid and gone through the effort of getting to the event, so I stuck through. Sadly only according to my thoughts in the moment, in the end I'm glad I stayed if only for the human curiosity. Having discussed my concerns regarding this event with the estimable and most kind human known as Donna Fox, I was determined to achieve two goals: study this strange style of human interaction from my outsider's perspective, and find something amusing in the whole scenario. Both I achieved in spades, so thanks friend! You really helped me step out of my comfort zone.

I won't go into too much detail about the icebreaking part of the evening, it was your standard fare of awkwardness and mild stress/anxiety. My card, incidentally, was "what inspires you?" Which is, in my opinion, the worst card in the deck. My friends was much better, "what is one sensation you wish you could relive over and over again." And damned if that isn't a far more interesting question to be asked.

Finally, the time to begin came and the doors were locked. This activated my cult senses but, I was reasonably sure I could fight my way out if needed so settled in to enjoy the frivolity. Yes, I was so stressed that's where my brain went. I like to think of it as an endearing quirk of my personality.

Some more in depth explanations about the methodology for the evening followed and we could begin. Firstly, we all stood in a circle before the women were called to form a smaller circle in the middle of the room; here the 'matching' aspect was explained. We all wore a pouch around our necks, red for the women and grey for the men, if a woman was interested in matching with a man, she would put a bead from her pouch in the man's and then we would learn via email who chose us. It's a little like how on Bumble the onus is on the girl to make the first move.

After this congregation broke up, the girls then came to stand facing the men within our circle. The instructor said that this was so that "masculine energy can hold space for feminine energy." Not that that made much sense to me, but I was in for a penny and determined to enjoy myself, channeling my inner Mrs. Peacock from Clue.

What followed was 21 different activities designed to generate a sense of connection between the participants. We had three minutes per partner and at the conclusion of the activity, the men would close our eyes, the ladies would lay one hand over our hearts, and with the other pick up our pouch. Should they wish to meet us again, a bead was then placed in said pouch.

I don't remember every activity we did. But I do know that I enjoyed myself by the end. I thought the hand on heart following every activity was a nice touch, actually. Being as I am very unlucky in these things, I was nervous that I wouldn't get any attention, but that helped alleviate some of that anxiety. At least I was able to participate fully,

My favourite of the activities were the following. First, there was one that involved the man on one knee before a woman, holding her hand, and pledging himself to do some very manly things. Including eternal dedication to the divine feminine, which really rang my cult alarm bells; luckily I was able to remind myself of my promise and enjoy at least the unique frivolity of the experience.

The purpose of this exercise was to practice viewing the woman as a full and complete human. Focusing on eye contact and meaningful gazes, it was designed to promote human connection rather than objectification. While this is not an area where I feel I need to learn, having already been taught that before finishing middle school, it was still fun.

Actually, I felt very knightly while kneeling there. So that's how I managed to keep a genuine smile on my face. Given the shortage of ladies compared to gentlemen, yes I'm using old timey phraseology here because damn it I just felt so chivalrous, some ladies got two men giving these pledges. Anyway, my brain started doing its own thing and I counted the seconds of eye contact split between the other man and I. Just one of those things that I do when my mind is too quiet. Little quirks, you know?

Secondly, and this one is incredibly selfish, there was one activity that involved a non-sensual massage if both parties consented. So when it was my turn, I was actually over the moon. You see, dear reader, I had had a painful knot behind my right shoulder blade all day. And now, someone had volunteered to help me with that? Amazing!

My partner for the activity consented to help me out and began very gently. I smiled over my shoulder at her and said, "I promise you won't hurt me," and she seemed to take that as a challenge. So she did EXACTLY what I needed her to. A major part of this exercise was for the person receiving the attention to give words of praise and I did in spades. My activity partner performed fantastically! And I made certain to let her know just how much I appreciated it.

Now the question becomes if I would recommend this kind of activity. And the short answer is 'yes*.' The Asterix there is because, if you don't struggle with gaining the attention of your preferred sex or gender, then I don't think this is for you. Everyone present seemed slightly nervous, a bit socially awkward, and out of their depth. This is a space primarily designed for people who struggle in attracting partners, so if you don't, then I would suggest steering clear if only to leave space for those for whom this is intended.

Further, this was a very cis-gendered and heterosexual event. We were divided according to biological sex and the flow of the activities was focused on that interpretation. If you are anywhere on the rainbow spectrum and uncomfortable with that type of atmosphere, then I would give this a miss. I'm not claiming that other identities would have been made to feel unwelcome, but this speed dating experience was cis/het focused, so it's important to keep that in mind. I personally wouldn't attend a queer dating event for the same reason, it's not structured for me.

At the end, we come to the discussion of the spiritual aspect surrounding this type of speed dating event. Tantra is an ancient yoga (and sex) practice from India, therefore any application of it implies an element of spirituality. I am not, as mentioned before, a spiritual person. In fact, I tend to reject spirituality out of hand. But, that was not a critical component of the experience.

The closest descriptor I can conjure would be this, it is spiritual veil designed to make people more comfortable in a space. The spiritualism aspect is not a major factor of any single thing done in the event, even if it is a major part of the ambiance. Imagine you were to go to a massage parlor or to get a facial done, they tend to have water sounds and gentle flute music to help relax the client. This event was much the same, even when the instructor spoke in depth about the spiritual elements she wanted to include in the experience, it was never more than set dressing for me.

And that is important because, as I stated, nothing makes we want to abandon an endeavour more than when people start talking about their sense of connection to the divine or the greater cosmos. So in my experience, it was a fun time with an amusing gimick. But if you find that spirituality is an important aspect of your life, or you want to include it in your dating life, then I say go for it. You have nothing to lose and might even have fun.

Thank you so much for reading! Go support Donna because she's the best person ever, and I hope you have a great day!