An Orange Piece Out of Place

High school seemed forever ago to me now, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was both a setting and a catalyst for my changing identity in the years inside. It’s what grown ups have said time and time again where I took into account now in hindsight: “you keep discovering things about yourself at that age.” In comparison, I find myself to believe more in the fact that I have a solid identity compared to then where

I used to be impressionable. Things have changed since then, but if it weren’t for me discovering how different I was from everybody else in high school and running with that, I don’t think I would be the same person as I identify with now. Without a shadow of a doubt.

Immediately, one of the first experiences I could think of was the first day of high school when there were plenty of mixed signals. I was an absolute nerd since I was into camera tech [still am, of course] yet at the same time I wasn’t picked and prayed upon like other kids that would be classified as “nerds” instead I was looked at as a “hybrid” for lack of a better term, and I’ve met plenty of amazing people from these experiences. I got the attention of some of the popular kids from a higher level without trying, and at the same time, I was looked at as a “cool kid” though if I had to pick a label, I’d say I would be classified as a “rebel” because I don’t swim in one pool or the other. I choose to swim in the river, creating my own path, because I can remember hanging out with a smaller group where I got some of my friends that had the same interests as me and some of the popular kids I’ve been hanging out with.

I remember saying to one of them who was smoking a joint, “No, thanks man. You can do it. I don’t mind, it’s all you right there but it’s not for me.”

Meanwhile, there are some of the other kids that gave it a try.

Somehow my response to peer pressure was “no, I don’t care for that” which I guess can be seen as different because most of the cool kids were doing it. I remember saying to myself over and over: “If I’m going to be a cool kid, I’m going to be one on my own terms.”

Sure enough, I stuck to that.

The only downside that I can think of while not being one of the popular ones when I had a doorway to it was when I wanted to approach a cheerleader that so happened to catch my attention through the year. I’m guessing she had a preference for the “popular” because immediately going for it, I ended up humiliating myself in front of a good amount of people since one of my friends ended up tripping me right when I was going to back out at the last second.

I fell in front of her, in front of her friends, and in front of the kids that were there in the hallway.

I wasn’t embarrassed because everyone was laughing, more so I was slightly embarrassed by the fact that I fell in front of her. She turned around, holding her hand up to her face so I wouldn’t see her chuckle, meanwhile her friends just didn’t hold back in the laughter.

Her friends hated me anyway. It made no difference, I got up.

I left the hallway.

I did end up hanging out with her and there was this friction between us where the energy read “they genuinely like each other” because I started to change the way I dressed for my sake. My style of presenting myself was changing beyond the fact that we had started to hang out together more. There was this energy of “will they, won’t they” type of deal since we did come close to being a couple. An unlikely one at best. Imagine a popular cheerleader going out with someone who somehow attracted the attention of people in different camps. Some of the other girls told me “you guys would’ve been so cute together and she would be lucky to have you because you’re so different.”

Out of the times we hung out, there was a football game one Friday night in November. I didn’t ask if she was going, she didn’t ask me. We ended up seeing each other at the game.

“Susanne!!” I shouted not far from her.

I can remember the sweet smile she had on her face as she hugged me, “You came!”

“Yeah, I thought it would be nice just to get out of the house again for a while, you know? I didn’t think you’d be here. If I did, I would’ve asked you.” I replied to her, starting a conversation.

“Well we’re here now unless you’re with someone else,” she said, looking over the bleachers to see if I was with anyone else. “Susanne, it’s okay. I’m actually alone.”

She tried to be subtle about smiling but I could read in her mind that she was rejoicing at the chance to hang out with me as I was with her. We’ve gotten particularly close by this time, and we decided to ditch the game early. Without a second’s delay, I texted my buddy who was playing tonight saying “hey, sorry I had to ditch early from the game. Hanging out with Susanne. Hoping you win tonight for us!!”

It was a slightly intimate setting where we ended up grabbing a bite to eat at a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken. Our conversation didn’t die down.

“Not that it matters, but I’m kind of curious… what do you think about me?” I asked, intrigued.

“I think you’re something different. I cannot put my finger on what it is but you stood out so much from others I’ve hung out with. You’re really interesting getting past the awkward attitude you have sometimes but you’re really neat. I just cannot put it into words,” Susanne stated.

“Thank you,” I said while she added hesitantly, not knowing if I took it in a positive way or not, “What I mean to say is…” I interrupted calmly.

“Don’t worry, I’m taking it as a good thing,” I smiled, sipping from my drink.

“Good because I meant it that way,” she chuckled. “I know you did.”

“What about me?” a brief moment of dead silence flew by before I decided to answer, “If you must know, I think you are the most amazing human being I’ve ever come to know and your boyfriend will forever walk in the trenches of regret for what he did to you.”

I should’ve known the wound was still relatively fresh before saying that because she smiled but tears welled up. I held her hand, saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“No, no, don’t be sorry. It’s just… it’s been just a few days.”

“At least you put your foot down,” I said in an attempt to be comforting. “I couldn’t have done it without you there…” I interrupted, sending her a helpful reminder.

“Now you have just as much say as the other does. That’s what should make a relationship work, it’s a partnership,” our dialogue kept bouncing back and forth before finally it dialed down to Susanne’s saddening question, “why do some men take pleasure in taking advantage?”

“Not every man sees ‘relationships’ the same way as I do,” I calmly stated. “I personally don’t agree with having a side chick or cheating on your significant other.”

“I wish he saw it that way,” she said while wiping the tears off of her face.

Another moment passed before anyone could say a word while I took a sip of my soda. “Why couldn’t I be with someone like you?” She uttered, beginning to vent, “I always go for the “popular” ones and everytime it turns out to bite me in the place where the sun doesn’t shine.”

“Oh thanks,” I said, adding a hint of sarcasm.

We both chuckled knowing the underlying meaning as to what she was trying to communicate, “You know what I mean, Guije.”

“Guije? Who the fuck’s “Guije”?” Susanne turned a bit flustered while I couldn’t help but to ask the question I had in my head in the passing second, “Is that my nickname you gave me or something?”

She admitted that she wrote that nickname for me.

Susanne wrote that name referring to me in her journal.

I don’t think I could ever forget that night we talked.

To this day, I’ve gotten used to the fact that I was different but it wasn’t in a negative way.

I chose to surrender that needless want for “fitting in” because these years taught me to be happy with who I am because changes can still happen if I want them to.

Changes that don’t come from a place of vanity, but from my truthful heart.

If being different is part of my identity, then so be it.

Author's Note

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