An Open Letter to the Woman Who Sent Those Pictures to My Husband
My man is NOT your Get Out Of Jail Free Card
I honestly didn't know how I was going to start writing this letter, I had to wait you see, as there were so many thoughts swirling around in my mind, most of which were unpleasant.
I wanted to post the pictures all over social media, to put links under all of your Instagram posts and Facebook quotes, and I even considered printing them off and plastering them all over town, but I thought better of it. Plus I don't have a laminator any more and truth be told, such cruelty is not worth the effort, just like you.
I thought I was coping, until I saw your post, about how something happens to you that makes you want to better your life. That stung.
Nothing happened to you. You made the active choice to send illicit pictures of yourself to my partner, and you were caught.
In the end I decided that it would be best for me to write it all down, to purge this anger that is seeping through me. I'm not going to lie, there are times where this might get salty or downright rude, but you asked for it the moment you sent those pictures.
Alone But Not Lonely
This is a small town O, the denizens of which tend to find me odd, I don't particularly care for sport, and while I do enjoy a hilariously named cocktail or two, my wild child, hard partying days are over.
It doesn't help that my anxiety gets in the way of establishing new friendships, but I'm used to it.
I'm a geeky chick who would much rather find someone to re-watch Lord of the Rings with than drown my sorrows in a bucket full of vodka.
The thing is, not being into sports of drinking, makes it difficult to strike up friendships. I didn't mind, most of my friends lived in other countries and I worked full-time. When I wasn't working, I was spending time with my partner. It was never really an issue.
An Unlikely Friendship
The first time we met was at a breastfeeding support group, I went there partially to ensure that I was doing right for my baby boy, and partially because for the first time in about 6 years, I felt lonely. I was on maternity leave and I decided that I should stand up to my anxiety and try to make friends with other mothers.
I went and there you were, with a baby close in age to my own and a toddler having a pretend tea-party, I actually thought you were a cool person. We had a few similar interests, like crafting and Star Wars, I mean you crocheted a particularly awesome Yoda hat and I still think it's awesome, even if I know that you are deplorable.
What I didn't find out until later was that you knew exactly who I was before I even stepped foot in the door. I also did not know about that one particular interest we had, but to be honest, it never crossed my mind that you would be interested in him.
A Case of The Ex
I didn't know, did I dear O, that you watched our daily vlogs? Nor did I know the reason that you were so interested in my life.
You were my partner's ex.
Truth be told it never bothered me. He told me, explained that you had dated nearly a decade before we met and that he broke it off when you lied about something very serious.
Unfortunately, it bothered other people, your friendship that is, one of which was your husband. Maybe it should have clicked then:
They shouldn't be friends.
It stings now, knowing what I now know about you, that I defended your friendship, I defended you, I called you my friend.
I Was Foolish
I felt like I had no reason to believe there was even an inkling there. We made each other laugh, we went to the same meetings, for almost three years, I never suspected you O.
When I was pregnant with baby number 2, a girl this time, you gave me what I can only describe as an abundance of clothes. I was so grateful, I was so lucky to have a friend like you.
With my anxiety, sometimes I overthink things. Like when I posted about my subscription box, then you got the same one. I started getting a different one, then a few weeks later, so did you.
I brushed it off, assuming it was all in my head. That you weren't copying me. That's just crazy.
The Good Friend
Sometimes I know that I'm not the nicest person in the world, but I was always nice to you.
I tried to chat to your husband in the park, as our children played together, as a subtle reassurance that his jealousy was unwarranted.
I remember one sunny day, you went to the hospital for a scan, they assured you that you would be in and out lickety-split! Then you were stuck there for 6 hours or more.
I was so worried about you, all alone in the hospital, in the early days of pregnancy, with nothing to eat or drink on that scorcher of a day. I decided that the family would go to the park, which conveniently was right next to the hospital.
I made sandwiches for you, I even made him run over and deliver them to you, as I was still waddling about post-partum.
I sent you baby clothes and crochet books, I even took you to the cinema, to give you a break from the kids and general mom life.
It was only after the fact that I discovered what you did O. We were back from our week away, our mini vacation. We were back with the kids, at home, enjoying a regular family evening.
I was actually sharing his Google drive with myself so that I could access our snaps from our trip away. It was then I discovered the email, and it's contents.
The fact of the matter is O, that right then and there I almost left him. Thanks to you.
The Girl Who Cried Wolf
You know I'm a feminist O, I hate the idea of tearing another woman down, I really hate it, but I hate you more for what you did.
You told my partner that your husband hurts you, that he tells your children that he hates them. You told him that your husband pushed you as you held your baby and you were so frightened.
You said that it was your reasoning behind those pictures. The problem is, things don't add up.
I understand escaping. I understand needing help. What I don't understand is why you would tell him and not me. I survived emotionally and physically abusive relationships, I have never hidden that. I don't believe in shying away, when standing up can help another person through.
I would have helped you myself. I even told him that if you were in trouble and needed a place to stay, somewhere safe for you and your girls, until you could get back on your feet, I would have brought you here.
I would have kept you safe.
If your husband really was a danger, one word and I would have been there. I would have held your hand, helped you through, dammit, I would have taken a punch or two for you. Unfortunately, I'm all too aware that I can take a beating and still walk away.
You're telling two very different stories and I resent the possibility that you're lying about abuse for sympathy.
What You're Missing ;-P
That's what you titled your email.
What You're Missing ;-P
I almost left him. I took off my engagement ring and placed it on his desk. I sat in his office chair as he cuddled our little boy and put him to bed. I sat there, consumed with pain.
Hyperventilating. Anxiety taking over. Struggling to breath. Struggling to think.
We were just back home, we had had an amazing week away. A week of zero stress, just us, together. It was like a little honeymoon. It was perfect. He seemed so happy with us, so happy with me.
I understand that I'm not the easiest person to live with. Between my anxiety, bipolar disorder and over compulsive disorder, it's a lot. For the first time in a long time we had time for us.
I sat in that office chair, tears streaming down my face, my world was falling apart. The life that we had been building together was crumbling away and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I was losing my family. My sanity. My love.
Breaking Down & Stepping Up
He told me what had happened, about you sending that email O, on the first day of our holiday. He told me all about what you said to him. I wanted to, but it was so tough, trying to believe him. The doubts and the pain kept swirling, pulling me under, I had to talk to you.
I confronted you.
I told you that you owed me an explanation.
I never got an explanation, I got an excuse.
"I had a fight & I was mad at my husband and thought, I'll show him!"
O, do you remember when I said there might be saltiness at the beginning of this letter, well it's time to buckle in.
Breaking It Down
Let's go through this together O, shall we?
You said that it was a mistake, that you regretted sending the pictures straight away. That you were just "so embarrassed."
I'm sorry O, it's an awful lot of planning for a mistake of that magnitude. Just think about it.
- You got changed out of your regular clothes, got all decked out in that black pleated skirt and thigh highs. Not to mention all that time you took to do your make-up. That's effort girl!
- You sent three pictures, two from your bathroom and one in the full length mirror in front of your baby's crib. Let's be real you would have taken at least ten pics per pose, so that's 30+ photos, maybe more, who knows?
- You made sure to send the email from your alternate address and not your primary one, that was very careful.
- You messaged him to check his email.
- He laughed it off and suggested that you sent it to the wrong person. Then you confirmed that it was definitely for him.
- You then asked him what he thought of your photos.
Not to be pedantic about the whole thing, but those are not the actions of someone simply making a mistake.
The why crossed my mind more often than not in the days following. Mistake or not, you must have toyed with the idea of what would happen.
Understand. Someone else's partner is not your Get Out of Jail Free Card.
You said, you wanted to show your husband that you were wanted. It's truly horrifying that you thought that the best way to do that, was to try to destroy our relationship.
You wanted my partner, the father of my children, to want you. You wanted him to want you more than he wanted me. What, just so you could rub it in your husband's face O? Really?
What did you think was going to happen O? Were you hoping that the sight of you dressed up like a naughty schoolgirl in front of your toilet would drive him mad with desire? Was he supposed to abandon me in that hotel room and run back to you, proclaiming how much he wanted you?
Perhaps you wanted them to fight for your affections, a duel to prove they are worthy of you?
Perhaps you were jealous of our happiness and wanted to crush it so that we were in the same boat as you. You can't claim to be happy when you send pictures like that to someone other than your husband.
Truth or Consequences?
I need you to understand something O. The moment he wanted you, would be the moment that he didn't want me. He doesn't even share dessert, he certainly won't share a person.
Our relationship almost ended because of you, I mean why would someone send those out of the blue!? Initially I blamed him. Until I knew the truth.
Let me ask you this O, what if your actions had led to the demise of our relationship? Did you want to be wanted so much that you sent those pictures knowing that it could split up his family?
Did you want to be number one so badly that you wanted him to give up his family, his children?
Would you be willing to give up your children for him? Could you?
You almost destroyed my family to feel sexy.
I hope I never have to see you again O.