Am I evil?

by ASHLEY SMITH 5 months ago in humanity

quite possibly

Am I evil?

Before I explain the details around the question I will begin with the back story, possibly giving mitigation before admitting the actual crime. Many years ago while enduring the end of what was becoming a painful marriage I made a friend through Facebook. Perhaps unusually it was through the chat function in a game, first talking the game and then getting more adult.

The chat became more adult, more what we wanted to do to each other and then daring each other to arrange a meeting. When a meeting was due we got more serious on details. My new friend explained more about her husband and how unpleasant he was. Very controlling and often violent towards her. This was probably behind her motivation to meet for some relief.

We met and got closer and had some adult fun, I even spent 9 months living closer to her then before but meeting became less. She had nearly kicked him out once but circumstances changed. Her belief that as she married him she deserved the good and bad of the marriage, his belief that he could do what he wanted won over. I had fallen deeply for her and wanted to remove her from the place that was making her physically and mentally ill. When I realised it wouldn't change I moved back to my home town and restarted life there away from the marriage and from the damsel in distress.

Plans were made for her to join me on holiday for my 40th birthday but she was ordered not to go by him and the kids. I ended up staying at their house for a few days. We had some fun but that was the last time I saw her. We kept in touch through electric means and exchanged birthday and Christmas cards.

Over the subsequent years I have had 3 relationships, the first two petered out but the third is perfect. We are a great couple because we compliment each other and our opposites attract. We spend all the time we can together and are getting married soon. With things going on around us our mental states aren't good. We are both on anti depressants and both struggling. We both try and keep each other sane and somehow seem to have an unseen rota of reaching low points. If one is bad the other usually has an ok day.

Over the last few months things have been hard for us but there are always ups with the downs, though ups are not always easy to find. In the last week I have taken my mum for scans to confirm her cancer hasn't returned, found out my best friend from time in west wales near my damsel is possibly succumbing to his cancer, found out father in laws heart op is soon and my mothers eye op is soon.

Now we get to two days ago and the point of the question. First I find out my mums cancer check was clear, so a positive. Next receive a hysterical call from wife to say she had lost her job, so massive negative. Then a few hours later i read a message in Facebook from my damsel. Her husband had died of cancer. It was the first post about it so don't know the type or duration. I just knew it cheered me up and when bad over the next few days I dream of him suffering.

Am I therefore evil for revelling in his demise? He leaves behind 2 kids, grandchildren and my damsel. I got on with his daughter a little but never his son, they didn't trust me. All I remember is the stories of my friend getting beaten, thrown downstairs and being stopped from leaving the house. If she made plans he would leave visible bruises so she wouldn't want to go out. A couple of times I saw here with thick makeup covering bruises on her face and bruises elsewhere.

I remember him as someone who regularly hurt her, humiliated her and controlled her. She is heartbroken and I can understand it. Unfortunately her kids were either unaware or just though father beating mother was normal. I was told they witnessed some incidents but didn't do anything about it.

I have sympathy for my friend and the grandchildren, a little for his kids. His parents didn't or wouldn't believe what he was like. I don't know if he inherited traits from his father or simply grew up a coward. I did decide many years ago if he ever went to far and killed my friend I would kill him. Everyone says it or thinks it at some stage but I would have done it.

So am I evil for being glad he's dead?

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'

England based carer, live with girlfriend. will write for all areas but especially mental health and disability. though as stuff for filthy seems popular will try there too

See all posts by ASHLEY SMITH