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Blackouts in love always result in -someone- holding a grudge...

By Hayley MattoPublished 2 months ago β€’ 3 min read
Top Story - February 2024
Photo by Lance Reis on Unsplash

I'M SORRY my depression consumed us. I'm even more sorry yours didn't. If it had we could have been over a lot sooner.

Not that I wanted an end at all. But because that's where we ended up anyways, we might as well have saved us a lot of time. People talk about cherishing or focusing on the good stuff... and let me tell yah, having been outside the good stuff for a while I really wish none of it ever happened. This isn't usual for me. I like to think I'm rather the optimist. But with you babe, I spent all my optimism. This isn't to say I didn't have a blast, feel love more intensely then ever imaginable... that's the issue really. I believed you were my one, my soulmate, twinflame, kindred spirit, partner in crime, better half, companion, lover, any other names I'm missing? Someone I've been with in many lives before this one maybe... (I don't know if I believe that sort of thing anymore, but with you I did.)

I never saw you as my savior. I was careful at least of that one. So careful in fact that I think I became yours. One can lean so far in one direction you wrap around in a 180' and end up right where you were certain you never would.

You gave me a love like no other, had my Insides Blushing. My hand feeling the most comfortable only when in yours. Hearing your voice made me want to pay attention. You looked at me like I was something bigger than life, something intimidating but not terrifying. But the more I look back on it all the more I think you were just addicted to the comfort I brought you.

1 year sober... and I am just coming to terms that perhaps I was addicted... not to you, but to taking care of you. My love for you exceeded my love for myself. Like a drug you convinced me, that living was worth less if not with you. It went past companionship, but deep within, chemically altering my psychology to believe I existed to serve you. And without that job, I was worthless. A shell of who I was before you, before us. Like booze, you made me into a version of myself that went by another name, sometimes babe, sometimes bitch, never my name. Hayley.

Being with you started bubbly, like a crisp glass of champagne. Sugary enough that I felt hungover the next day but it was worth it. All addictions begin this way don't they? Worth the ugliness they unleash like a dirty secret after the fact. After the pleasure. Staying with you grew into a bender, less bubbly, instead cheap. Some days felt fun, freeing, loose, until you realized the pattern or maybe worse yet didn't recognize it... unsure of what day it was, and how you got this far. Holding on once our love died was like a black out, a sour mix of cheap beer & too many types of liquor. "Beer before liquor never been sicker...".

Blackouts in love always result in -someone- holding a grudge...

My love, you gave me one of life's most addicting pleasures, Dopamine. And damn doesn't she pair nicely with some Serotonin. You mood boosted me into places no pill ever could... unfortunately that meant the lows took me to the absolute wastelands of rockbottom. A place I'd wish to no one... besides maybe you, if I didn't believe you have already been there too.

Withdraw, is all I have left to compare you to... or the lack of you in my life, I suppose. People claim with medications, pills and booze, it's the beginning that's the hardest. I'm curious on the statistics of HeartBreak. On how many die from that? How soon? How long after?... Who relapses into a new flavor, lover. Who never finds one that compares to their last Addiction.


About the Creator

Hayley Matto

Just a 26yr old processing the 🌎 one sh*tty poem at a time. Need human connection or just killing time?

Read some thoughts by She.

-P.S. that’s me.

Insta: πŸ–€ Thanks for tuning in! Much Love.

Shout Out to ViM 🀍 Love 'em.

Reader insights


Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

Top insights

  1. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

  2. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

  3. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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Comments (28)

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  • Kristen Bansfield -Pen Name K.R.Fieldsabout a month ago

    This is one of the most honest and courageous pieces I’ve read on this platform. I have a (I can’t even say similar bc I felt like you read from my soul on a certain someone-it felt exact) I am 35 and have been out of the relationship for almost 10 years yet I STILL wonder at times how I allowed him so deep that there’s not one full week thus far has came and gone that he hasn’t crossed my mind. But I allow it to be okay because I do raise two children by him-but without him. I came to terms that I’d be okay with that because my two beautiful souls are half him. (Though, id like to take at least 55% the gene credit ;) ) I very much enjoy your writing and see this platform paying off more and more. I just have to get the edge to publish some of my more personal stuff.

  • Denise E Lindquist2 months ago

    Congratulations on top story! I hesitate to put the celebratory items as it is so sad. I can just hope that in writing this it was helpful and contributed to more healing! Having said all of that, I celebrate your writing, it read like poetry.πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

  • Congrats on the Top Story! You express your pain very beautifully. Truly heartbreaking, but well-written.

  • Raduxx Radu2 months ago

    Congratulations on your Top Story πŸ’“πŸ˜˜πŸ’–β€πŸ‘

  • Hannah Moore2 months ago

    A love the questions you bring to the last paragraph.

  • Dorota2 months ago

    Congratulations on your Top Story

  • Congratulations on your Top Story Hayley!!! Well deserved!!!

  • Melissa Ingoldsby2 months ago

    You broke my heart with this sad and raw piece.β™₯️

  • olymoolla2 months ago


  • Lightbringer 2 months ago

    Nice work

  • ROCK 2 months ago

    You crushed it SHE! I relate to every word, the unforgettable part of bad love; moving forward was hell and although life is different in a good way, sometimes I feel that I was stupid to be so blindsided. Reminds me of Roxy Music's "Addicted to Love" or "Love is the Drug tat I'm Thinking of.."

  • JOSIAH NWOKO2 months ago

    well deserved!

  • Kodah2 months ago

    This piece was outstanding. The format regarding to the cycle of addiction is incredible. I'm so sorry for what you went throughπŸ’•

  • I M A KING2 months ago

    Congratulations on your top story

  • Anna 2 months ago

    Congrats on Top Story!πŸ₯³

  • Congratulations on your top story

  • Babs Iverson2 months ago

    Congratulations on Top Story!!!β™₯οΈπŸ’•

  • Dariusz 2 months ago

    Congratulations on top story :)

  • Oneg In The Arctic2 months ago

    Gosh, that addicted to taking care of someone is so hard. You really do end up blacking out on a lot. This was so good and so honest and true and a bit of a call-out but I'm not mad hahaha

  • Lamar Wiggins2 months ago

    Wow! This was a lot of truth to absorb and consider. Not sure why, but I loved this line: "Like booze, you made me into a version of myself that went by another name, sometimes babe, sometimes bitch, never my name. Hayley." I guess I can see how this can be realized when the state of mind in which it started was always there. Congrats on your Top Story!

  • sleepy drafts2 months ago

    Congratulations on Top Story, Hayley!!! This is such a powerful read. πŸ’—

  • Cathy holmes2 months ago

    That is powerful and heartbreaking and incredibly well written. Congrats on the Ts.

  • Stephanie Hoogstad2 months ago

    Back to say congrats on the Top Story!

  • sleepy drafts2 months ago

    Oh, this is so beautifully and well put. It's true, when we begin to revolve our lives around serving another person to the detriment of ourselves without much return it can begin to feel like an addiction. Getting out of that headspace can be a long and painful process, but it's possible and always worth it. Thank you for writing and sharing this piece, Hayley!

  • Caroline Craven2 months ago

    Gosh, this was awesome. I totally understand that 'hit' and excitement when you first meet someone and how it's easy to keep chasing those highs... even when the person isn't right for you. So many great lines in this. A cracking piece of writing.

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