Abusive Relationship Cycles

Okay. So. "Why do you keep going back to this person?" Welllllllllll—especially when we FIRST experience these kinds of intense emotions and dynamics, we kinda wanna see if it's something WE did? Maybe we did or didn't do something to make them mad at us? The first time we hear someone say I love you, it is an intoxicating and wonderful feeling. So when that SAME person completellllyyyy snaps on you—oh my god what did I do to make them lose it like that?! The short answer—NOTHING. The long answer; their reaction has nothing to do with you. Or what you did. This is their internal mechanisms, insecurities, sadnesses, rages, all the things they have left unattended COMING OUT.

Here is the clincher: Romantic relationships are where human beings GO TO HEAL. So when you're an 18-year-old man for example, who has never dealt with his sad or damaging family life or insecurities, you feel, as a human being, coupled with the fact that men aren't even given the space to cry with their friends or FEEL. Well this is ALLLL gonna come up when you meet the girl of your dreams for the first time. Stakes are high. Emotions are high. Every step and word counts. And you're likely going to have some pretty colossal fights if your security is threatened. Keep in mind, this is normal, as most young people are insecure just given their biological age—you don't know WHO you really are yet! What is NOT acceptable is using your partner to literally or figuratively beat on for all these things you feel inside.

Abuse isn't always physical or sexual. Abuse includes emotional, mental, verbal, spiritual violations against another person. And when you are younger, you keep personalizing this treatment as if it were something you did. I am here to tell you, you did nothing. Even if you acted completely gross and out of line, a healthy minded person would simply cut you out of their world and move on. No yelling. No screaming. No name-calling. No door-slamming. No silent treatment to hurt you and cause anxiety. No social media wars. It would be radio silence.

We keep going back because we our abuser to see our value. To say they're sorry. That it will never happen again. That they're wrong. We didn't deserve that. This list could go ON. WE ALL HAVE SUBCONSCIOUS NEEDS THAT SCREAM TO BE HEALED. Especially if we have had difficult relationships with our parents (who are people too by the way, and not perfect by any far stretch), we have LOTS of these needs to be healed. And this can make you vulnerable to these kinds of dynamics in your own romantic relationships. Just by simply needing the kind of love you wish you got from your parents.

ISN'T DATING FUN LOL

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