ashley sirianni
Stories (9/0)
Til It Happens to You
Unlike most people, I wasn't there when my mom took her last breathe. In fact, I don't even know when it exactly was. Because I didn't find her until 3 days later. Her death certificate says December 13. But it is actually 4 years ago today (December 10), that at some point, she wasn't here anymore. I wonder what I was doing. Where I was. What I was thinking. Whatever I was doing, I hoped it was that fucking important. That I wasn't there. For all the love that woman had in her heart for her family, it is disgusting she died alone. Not only alone, but that she actually thought she was better off gone.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Families
The Dreaded Grey Area of Life
I met with a good friend for coffee yesterday. Were both in our mid 30s, and we cannot believe how dumbfounded we have been to really see just how much shit we go through isn't "black or white". In fact, love, loss, relationships, friendships, dreams, goals, all happen in the dreaded grey area.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Motivation
Time - It Is Not Infinite for Us
I think about vampires a lot. And any time I can be anything fictional, it is ALWAYS a vampire. After all, they know karate, wear leather, are rich as fuck, can kill you, and are immortal. But as I enter into my almost 35th year of life, I've only begun to understand how many moments of time I have squandered by not even being conscious they were HAPPENING. And that's where I think I have my true fasciation with vampires; they get as much time as they want.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Motivation
Go See Your Grandparents
My Italian grandparents are 84. They're from another world, and a different time. Both of which don'y exist anymore. They had their honeymoon in the mountains of Italy, at my Nonna's sister farm. She said it was the best two weeks of her life.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Families
Life Isn't Perfect
I wish I was more conscious of how unconscious I was when I was a kid lol. I honestly do not think I even thought of anything. I am 34 now, and I have been reflecting on my life lately. Especially because I am not technically where I "should" be (no house, kids, marriage, or steady career). I lost my mom when I was 30 to suicide and it wasn't until that profound moment that I really even began to THINK. I have actually tried to remember what I thought about when I was even 28 and I DO NOT REMEMBER lol.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Motivation
Why Suicide Could be Seen as the Ultimate Self Sacrifice
This is me and my mom. In this photo she is very sick. But she doesn't look it right? That's the beauty of photos, they're a nano second of a moment in time. And that's also the bitch about mental health...you can't see it. I don't think even I wanted to know, or realize, just HOW sick she was here. She hid it well. Especially at this stage. Because this was after about ten years of sheer horror. She was so ashamed and guilty to show the true depths of the pain of she was dealing with.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Psyche
The Importance of Safe Friendships
Watching the people we REALLY love, go through IT, can be trying for even the MOST understanding of people. But the inexpressible importance of having a safe place to work through our lives can be paramount in actually learning and overcoming whatever obstacle, heartbreak, letdown, or fears we are facing.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Humans
But What If They Changed?
What we can mourn more than an actual person, is the loss of what we thought could be with them. I had a long distance boyfriend years ago. I loved him SO MUCH. We spent HOURS—literal hours—fantasizing about our future life. What we would do, how we would spend our afternoons, what evenings would be like with our kids, the cars we'd drive, the house we'd live in, the sex we'd have, the vacations we'd take, to who would check us in at the airport and how cute we would be with our travel gear. I spent SO MUCH TIME in this make believe world I had created with him, that I don't think I even saw my reality. And here was the reality in this specific case; he wouldn't be done medical school for YEARS to come, wouldn't marry me because of religious differences, we would never live together, never mind have children, or travel to all the destinations we talked about. The reality was, we also fought—a lot. DAILY. And we'd argue over the kids we didn't even have. The marriage we hadn't even consumated yet.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Humans
Abusive Relationship Cycles
Okay. So. "Why do you keep going back to this person?" Welllllllllll—especially when we FIRST experience these kinds of intense emotions and dynamics, we kinda wanna see if it's something WE did? Maybe we did or didn't do something to make them mad at us? The first time we hear someone say I love you, it is an intoxicating and wonderful feeling. So when that SAME person completellllyyyy snaps on you—oh my god what did I do to make them lose it like that?! The short answer—NOTHING. The long answer; their reaction has nothing to do with you. Or what you did. This is their internal mechanisms, insecurities, sadnesses, rages, all the things they have left unattended COMING OUT.
By ashley sirianni4 years ago in Humans