About The Writer: DEUXQANE

Note: I am a licensed therapist.

Disclaimer: All names, if used, have been changed to aliases to ensure confidentiality and to respect the privacy of those mentioned. Aliases are used consistently for continuity throughout my posts.

Who is DEUXQANE? Why "DEUXQANE?”

I grew up playing tons of video games and stopped playing on consoles after the PlayStation 2 or GameCube stopped being popular. From there, I played a lot of PC games on Steam. I had a variety of usernames I stuck to over the course of 13 years. The newest of the pack is DEUXQANE—all caps. The name is pronounced “doo-KANE” and was inspired by a brief trip to Pennsylvania where I recall walking past Duquesne University, but I liked the letter X and the letter Q because I’m edgy. So I took “deux” (which is ‘2’ in French) and the name “Kane” and swapped the ‘K’ for a ‘Q’ and smashed the two together. That’s about it. Not much deeper than that. I think the name sounds powerful. If it comes down to it, I’d probably use the same name if I were to be a drag queen.

My goal under this pen name is to write my heart out about overcoming, failing, or enduring (in real-time) a number of experiences that I’ve been through. This will mostly be, but not limited to:

1. Weight loss, eating, diet, and mindset
2. Weight gain, eating, diet and mindset
3. Resilience and coping with injury
4. Living with and managing ADHD (and it's commonly mistaken constituents, anxiety and depression)
5. What life is like as a therapist
6. Bein’ gay
7. Gay dating in your late 20s and early 30s
8. Living as a gay man in New York City
9. Relationships (romantic, platonic, financial, familial)
10. Failure and pursuit of personal hobbies
11. Getting to know myself in real-time.

I’d like to believe much of my experience is relatable. And if it isn’t, that’s okay.

Where is DEUXQANE writing from? What's his orientation and ethnicity?

I live in New York. City, to be exact. I’m gay and biracial. I don’t steep too deeply into my personal culture right now, because I’d been raised to speak one language at home (shame I couldn’t be trilingual). I have a mild degree of pride in being biracial, and will often crack jokes about how I’d be “half offended” or “half involved” in whatever topic mentions my ethnicity. I'm about as prideful I can be without speaking the language, visiting "home," or making dishes that are kin to my culture.

I grew up first in a poor neighborhood for the first few years of my life, then an above-average one after some life stuff happened. I left my parents’ place at 27 once I decided it was high time to put my degree to use. I’ve lived in gentrified buildings and I’ve lived in more historical ones. I’ll be living in a refurbished/remodeled home with some friends of mine very soon. For the most part, I just think about how I can make the most of my lifestyle without taking up so much space. I'm not one for lavish living; I just want a place I can live that gives me enough room to be comfortable.

What does DEUXQANE do for a living?

I’m a therapist. I was hesitant on sharing this part about myself, but after a lot of thought, I believe that revealing myself to be a therapist would help emphasize whatever authority I have over any particular subject. I’m confident that I’m going to be right most of the time; but I’m also confident that I will be wrong sometimes, too. I prefer to speak on behalf of my personal experience, and will use my professional background to support my rationales for my life decisions. I consider my skills as a therapist a blessing because I find myself confident in my choices (as well as meta-choices, like being certain I lack a choice in any given situation).

I firmly belief that my experience as a therapist (as well as my personality) will emphasize how much I understand (or don’t understand—likely due to over analyzing) my own emotional and cognitive experience.

I would, however, someday like to take on a different role of becoming an artist someday. It'd be nice if the two professions could co-exist. I'm still figuring that part out.

What major event(s) has DEUXQANE been through?

I've been overweight/obese all my life, up until about freshman and sophomore year of college. I was 250lbs, and had dropped down to about 170lbs doing a ketogenic diet and a lot (and I mean a lot) of running. From sophomore year to about my 5th year in college, I had regained the weight, and yo-yo'd back from 170lbs to about 270lbs.

The culprit that led me to regaining all the weight? Pasta.

In November of 2018, somewhere around my 5th year of college (I was pursuing my master's), I decided to agree to join up with an old friend and do the No Nut November (NNN) challenge together. We succeeded in the endeavor. However, in an unexpected turn of events during the challenge, I vividly remember on the 8th day, a wave of motivation had taken over. It started with two days of exercise a week, then three, then four.

I've been exercising consistently since then. The weight fell off, and I went from about 270lbs to about 180-190lbs today. I'm still going, with the goal to reach around 150 to 160lbs. I used to use many a pre-made workout plan, then an AI-powered workout plan, and now I make my own.

I intend to speak often about this topic because for many people entering their late 20s and 30s, we have taken notice that our bodies don't function as well as they used to.

All I can do is have full faith in my trusty kettlebell, mace, and rowing machine to get me where I need to be.

Any other major events that DEUXQANE has been through?

Asides from being formerly obese, it's been close to a year since the end of my first relationship. For reference, the name I'm going to use to refer to them is Apollo. That relationship was probably the best thing I thought I could have ever experienced, really. It changed my life in ways I didn't expect. There were many firsts, but one of the biggest changes that happened was how my self-esteem has flipped itself from being self-deprecating to self-loving.

Since that relationship, despite how incompatible we were, I've walked away with an irreversibly heightened sense of self-esteem. It's currently a major event I'm still processing, maybe even still grieving. I always thought maybe a friend I've known for a decade would convince me I was someone worth loving--not someone I'd met and only known for 9 months.

But hey, I'll take it. It was great while it lasted. We ended things on good terms. I wish him nothing but the best.

Chances are, I'll definitely discuss his and my relationship in another post. I think it'd be helpful for someone else to read.

How old is DEUXQANE?

At the time of writing this, I'm 28. The late 20s are both an amusing and frustrating time. Among my peers, it's common to see and hear them mentioning the various limitations in their bodies, the more-frequent-than-usual ache, and so on. I don't experience these gripes (except only when I injure myself via exercise because I tend to overdo it), but it is a bit hard for me to hear that all my friends seem to be falling to the trap of decreasing mobility.

I don't want to be stiff and brittle when I grow older. I want to maintain my mobility, well through to my 90s if I can. The closer I draw to my 30s and watch how various holistic fitness and mobility influencers who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s maintain their strength, endurance, and mobility, I'm hell-bent on making sure I'm one of those people--minus the overt fame. If they can do it, so can I.

Over the course of my 2nd (and preferably final) weight loss journey, I recognize the limitations of my body and how I can't just go giving it my 100% in each workout. While chasing the numbers of progress can feel good (higher weight lifted, higher sets, higher reps), it's not worth getting injured and having your progress halted for months.

I recently recovered from an overuse injury that took 6 months to heal. It involved my hand. When I tell you it sucks that you can't grab things because it hurts? I refuse to let my ego guide my exercises now.

Does DEUXQANE have any conditions/struggles?

I learned that I had ADHD around 2020. My old roommate had introduced the plausibility to me, and after reading two books on the matter and invoking my professional clinical judgement, it's safe to say I have it. The inattentive type, to be specific.

The diagnostic criteria for ADHD, however, is rather wide. Among all my friends I can see mild (even moderate) tendencies of ADHD in all of them, and I'd be hard pressed to believe everyone around me has ADHD. I think it would be helpful to refine the diagnostic criteria for this diagnosis. I agree that the symptoms of ADHD can be ubiquitous, but should we really be calling it "ADHD," then?

In my experience, ADHD's been both my superpower and my Achilles' heel:

• It's helped me write three 40-page papers in a week's time for my Master's degree,
• Ensured I'd find some way to remain entertained at all times, never finding myself bored, and
• Allowed me to remain stubborn and resilient, despite any setback.

And this was all before I realized I had it.

Of course, depending on how you look at those points, ADHD can be a blessing or a curse. I'd prefer the former.

Does DEUXQANE have any hobbies or interests?

Yes. Many. I'll make a list and explain:

1. Writing and Poetry - I'm grateful to have a job that gives me enough time on the side to pursue this kind of endeavor. I've performed numerous times now at open mics and the occasional slam. I find myself confident in my abilities to write poetry and speak from the heart. As for writing, I consider myself verbose and wordy. Often, my writing is very much stream-of-consciousness, and you will see me mentally trail off.
2. Rollerblading - My ex, Apollo, was an incredibly experienced cyclist and mountain biker. At the time when we were dating, I had initially wanted to mimic him (thanks, anxious attachment). But after some thought, I believed rollerblading would have been a better option. My thought process was I didn't want to be that guy taking his bike onto a subway, and I wanted to have something that didn't take up so much space in an apartment. At the time of writing this, I'm still a beginner.
3. Dancing - I recently heard from an Instagram post that dancing is very much like figuring out a puzzle--except it involves using your body the entire time. I was hooked when I heard that. On top of this, dancing has such an expressive flair to it, as well as promoting coordination, balance, agility, flexibility, and style. I'm leaning towards learning house, hip hop, dancehall, lite feet, whacking, and locking. Granted, if I learn nothing, at least it's still a good workout.
4. Yoga, Rowing, Kettlebells - I was formerly an enthusiastic gym-goer and indoor runner. I used the classic dumbbells and barbells for much of my workouts, including a bench and a cable machine. However, since moving into a historical building with less space and amenities, I've done the research and learned that kettlebells and indoor rowing are two forms of strength training and cardio (respectively) that involve the entire body. I've been using kettlebells since September of 2022, and I probably won't look back. I was also an avid runner in the past, but indoor rowing has taken my heart (shoutout to my old roommate for influencing me). Yoga is one that I've picked up in the pandemic that has helped me to feel flexible in all aspects of my body, and I'm incredibly grateful for having done it for so long.
5. Digital Artwork - I recently picked up an iPad as a gift to myself a couple of months ago. It's a life goal of mine to learn to draw with it, and will likely find myself a year-long course to help me find my footing and get started. I've had a story in my soul for over a decade, and I'm just dying to put it to paper. I hope to write, draw, and animate it someday. Probably my life's goal, honestly.
6. Herbalism - This has been a relatively new interest. When I was in college, I was encouraged to do nursing as a major, and I did--for 3 semesters. Now that I'm an adult and have the means to support myself, I've considered going back to the field of medicine, but in a more botanical sense. I used to have a fantastic physics and chemistry teacher in high school and college, and to know medicine means to know these subjects. I'd love to dive back into medicine using plants. I think it would be revisiting old goals the way I want to--not the way someone else wanted me to do it (no offense, mom).

So what's the purpose of this?

I want to help others through writing how I’ve survived, thrived, avoided, or missed certain life experiences. I will definitely mention the people who have impacted me in some way. As I do this, I intend to keep the people in my life (or have-been) as safe as I can by using aliases—but I will also not hold back.

Writing for me, in this way, is cathartic—and I believe that the rawer, more vulnerable, and more daring I am, the more someone out there will benefit. I remember reading from an experienced writer that it is best to just treat your writing like a battlefield and to bleed all over it shamelessly.

So this is me doing that.

And if nothing else, well, I’m proud of me. I’ve waited so long to put myself out there.

93% of communication is non-verbal. Here is the other 7%.