About the grieve...

I didn't grieve when they said he were gone… I didn't felt like I was sad, nor angry… I've felt relieve… I've felt that if there were still some need for closure, it finally had it.

Maybe he managed to hide his worst side, maybe they just felt something out of place but never gave attention. I don't know, and I never had the courage to ask. I was afraid of being called crazy or a liar again… I just had to learn how to live with the emotional scar he left.

He died a long time ago to me… But he didn't have died the day he decided he would cross boundaries for the first time, nor the day I've realized something wasn't right and then started to keep some distance, even though it was practically impossible… He died the day I've realized what all of that was about – the day I've realized that what was bothering me was the feeling of finally realize I've had my trust shattered.

He died the day I've realized that weird feeling that was eating me alive wasn't some “crazy stuff from my own head”. He was gone the very day there wasn't disguised intentions – the truth was there for everyone to see… But nobody was there to witness it… And he just concealed it, so nobody would think he was a bad person. He concealed so well that I've felt guilty about it for years, thinking that if nobody would believe me, maybe it was some weird dream, it was just my mind playing pranks with me - I needed many years to accept it to start to realize it was worse than I thought. It took years to realize I was hurt, and more years to realize I've deserved to heal…

I had to deal with something I couldn't prove, and nobody would believe. I had to deal with the burden of knowing that everyone would find a motive to blame me because it was easier to make me the wrong person in the situation, since I was already the black sheep and their scapegoat. And that's how I've decided I would find the motive to cut the ties – and I've found it! But now, here I am… Receiving the notice that he died and thinking to myself, “to me, he died a long time ago…” while everyone asks why am I being so cold... And I can't just say to them that it is because now I can move on, feeling relieve because he can't hurt me anymore. I don't need to grieve again for someone that died to me long ago – and I'll keep moving on and living my life and slowly healing while I stay silent...

I'm still learning how to live with my issues, but I've already shook off the denial, allowed myself to feel angry and depressed, had to bargain with myself to feel better and finally, accepted that it was not my fault, and he would get what he deserved… And he had to deal with his ghosts in ways he wasn't expecting. And now I can feel relieved, and just bury whatever I took off my consciousness with him. Now I can finally forget, even though I've decided not forgive...

... Because he's long gone, and the ones that stays have to deal with their own minds - they will cry, weep, feel their losses in the way they were meant to feel - but the dead can be forgotten, and I know for sure that they don't need to be forgiven.