About skies and dreams

There are times in life when I just lay in bed looking at the clouds in the blue sky outside my window.

It is in those moments of brief tenderness and appreciation for nature that a void opens up in my mind and my whole being becomes a juxtaposition where joy and misery go hand in hand.

It is in those moments of pause that I become fully aware of the fact that the world keeps on turning and never stops for anyone. Life does not give you an interval where time stills, and you get to be free. We are bound to it since our first breath.

And when I realize all of this, next I often think about the one question that is tearing me apart: what is the purpose of my life?

It has been months, and I try to look inside of myself, to ask myself, "what am I searching for?"

But all I feel all around me is darkness. It is not a place to call home.

I am getting old day by day and time seems to be running, the days seem so shot. I am afraid of it, of not having enough time. But what breaks me the most is that I do not know what I need more time for.

I thought about how easy it would be if we were born knowing what we were meant to do. Even just a glimpse of where we will end up in the future.

It would be so simple: if you knew you would be the next great painter, you would work for it. If you knew you would be a footballer, you would train hard for it every single day. Even if it were just living a normal life, you would be happy knowing you just need to live and not do anything more than just that.

But once again, this does not make sense to me. It is easy to think like this, but I realize what the problem would be: the lack of creativity that makes us into unique individuals.

It would be like living with yet another boundary: knowing you could never be anything more than what you are meant to be.

If I think about where I see myself in three years, I could tell you all sort of things: I want to be a writer, I want to be an artist, I want to be a game character designer, I want to be an interpreter who gets to travel a lot, I want to be a vlogger, I want to be a blogger, …

A few years ago, someone who knows me well, told me something along the lines of “putting your legs in different boats will not help you arrive at a destination.”

I never forgot about that, and I often repeat it to myself.

What surprises me even more is that, just about a month ago, someone else close to me said something similar: “sometimes people who want to do everything end up doing nothing,” and then looking at my scrunched-up face they laughed and added, “they just sleep all day.”

I laughed along but deep down I was hurt.

It hurt because I knew that it was the truth.

There are days I can’t even get out of bed, days when I just stare at my phone screen for hours, days when I don’t eat anything and days when I can’t stop eating, days when I feel like I can do everything and days when I cry because I feel so weak, days when I wake up early and tell myself I’ll keep the routine every day, days that I tell myself I will commit to one thing at a time and days that everything becomes too much and I shut myself down, the dark tunnel in which I am trapped, I stop running and just let myself fall and give up on everything. It only lasts for a while. Then the cycle begins once more.

There is confusion inside of me: I am becoming older year by year and yet do not know where I want to be.

What hurts the most is that I know what needs to be done, I make long lists or write down every step that needs to be taken in order to do something, but they end up becoming just forgotten ink on paper.

Is it impossible to do many things at once?

Once someone told me that if I have many dreams then they are not really dreams because it is usually one that matters the most. I do not know to what extent that is true.

I see the point: giving my all for the one dream that matters the most to me would give me the power to focus. I would wake up in the morning not thinking about what to do but how to continue with what I started.

What I have learnt in my 22 years of life is that life is hard. All of us, we have so many dreams, so many things we want to do. We have the same time as everyone else in the world, yet some people work hard and that effort pays off one day. Then there is me: I feel hopeless at times, I wonder to myself if all that I have thought about my future will end up remaining just that, a thought. I wonder whether all the dreams I have will never come true.

But how will my dreams come true if I do not work hard?

They say that it is never too late to do something, that it is better late than never, but it is not true. The day that I will lie on my death bed it will be too late.

There are times in life when I just lay in bed looking at the clouds in the blue sky outside my window.

And I force myself to get up, to do something, because I do not want the ghosts of all my dreams to haunt me when it will be too late.

I want to look at the blue of the sky one day and smile knowing that it was worth it fighting for my dreams, that I made it even through all the darkness.

That I lived without regrets.